God's Blessings
by CAT
A few days ago, I was talking to the owner of the company that I work for. A Christian man, studying to be a minister, he spoke of how much he admired my cheerfulness and positivity in the face of what is happening in my life. He told me that he knew of no one else that modeled Christ's selflessness more than I. Then he went on to say that I would be blessed by God for all that I have been through. I walked away shaking my head.
His words embarrassed me, and quite honestly made me just a little bit angry. "He just doesn't understand how awful my life has become," I thought to myself. "He doesn't understand how my son rejects my every attempt to love him." I started thinking about the friends that we've managed to lose on this journey. Friends that just couldn't understand, and couldn't tolerate seeing what this was doing to our family life. The chaos and pain in our home had just become too awful for them to tolerate. I thought about our bleak financial system, and worried about what we would do now that we had spent our entire life's savings trying to reach our child, with no results. I thought about our extended family, and the difficult time that they were having as they tried to understand our turbulent life. "No," I said to myself. "I'm not cheerful and positive. They just can't see the pain that lies beneath my smile." "Where is the blessing, the payoff of our labor?," I wondered. "Where is just one moments peace, not having to worry abut my son's future." Then, I had to stop myself because it's not like me to look at the dark side of life. I then asked myself, " What would my life be like without my son?" My initial thought was, "Peaceful and Hassle Free!" Yet, after a few minutes, I realized that "Drab and Gray" might actually be a little closer to the truth.
Although my son is not currently living with me, I still love him and miss him very much. Despite his absence, I still research and still continue to try to find new ways to help him. Yet, that's all there is to it. My love for my son has nothing to do with the future riches that God has planned for me. I believe that God's Blessing is happening right here and now, through this child who so desperately needs me. It's happening through my old friends who still love me, understand me, and continue to support me. It's happening through my new friends, the ones who are living this same situation. It was then that I realized that my son was a blessing, rather than a curse.
I started to realize how much I admired my son's zest for life. His sparkly smile and quick witted humor could be so entertaining, when he chose to let down his guard. I realized how my son's ability to express what it was like living with RAD, has given me so much insight into his world. "Where would this child be without our efforts?," I wondered. "What would his future hold if we walked away?" The answer was just too horrific for me to comprehend.
I know that living this RAD life certainly does keep you stressed and busy. So many of us are so private and guarded by nature. Yet learning to help our children, forces us out of the safe nest we've worked so long to create. Parenting these children stretches our skills, and forces us to grow. Even though we sometimes find our foundations and our worth as a parent beginning to shake, we can still manage to find the hope hidden beneath the devastation and despair. As we begin to understand and change, our parenting skills begin to sharpen, and our feelings for our children begin to grow.
I can feel God's Blessings as I continue to juggle a demanding family, a demanding career, and as I somehow manage to give my best to both. Yet, it's so easy to look at those dark clouds that roll in, and start to feel as if the sun may never shine again. If we can just allow ourselves to stop and take a quick look, I know that we will all begin to see God's Blessings. The Blessings in all of those little things that happen each and every day.
