I Want My Other Mommy!
by Betty Jo Hilger
In the early days of Dalton's adoptive placement, anxiety, grief, and loss were a constant presence.
Diagnosed with Attachment Disorder, he had learned that:
To trust was to hurt.
To love was not safe.
To let anyone new "In", meant pain.
He felt he would die.
Every night would be the same. This lovely child, (He was so beautiful!),
with his big blue eyes, shiny blond hair, and soft, hurting soul, became
~RAGE~
My sweet, sweet boy would disappear.
He was so scared;
He was so hurt;
He was so lonely;
He had such pain;
And he was mine.
Every night, when it was bedtime, he would scream. Raging down the hall, throwing toys and anything else which came to hand, kicking and hitting walls, he would fight to live. Heaven help anyone who got in his reach.
Yet, what was I to do?
I was his Mom.
Once we finally reached the haven of his room, the fight would escalate.
I was the enemy.
I was a danger.
I was the opponent.
He was not mine.
~I want my MOMMY!~
Here I am.
I'm right here.
~NO! My OTHER MOMMY!~
Each night, every night, this battle would go on, two to three hours at a time.
I would hold him.
I would rock him.
I would sing to him.
I would cry with him.
I would hope for him.
I would pray for us.
And we'd go on.
Each night, we would repeat this scenario, only to begin again on the next eve.
I would tell him the story, His story, of how he came to be...
One time, not so long ago, there was a Birth Mommy named Marsha. She had a baby.
That was you!
You grew inside her tummy for a long time. Then one day, when God decided it was time, you were born. Marsha loved you very much, but she did not know how to be the Mommy you needed. She had trouble taking care of you and sister Sara, and, one day, some people from the state came and took you away to a new home. Then you lived in a foster home.
This home was a temporary home, just for a little while. They could not be
"Always and Forever"
but they cared for you, and took care of you.
Later, you moved to another foster home and lived there for a year. When you lived in that home,
you went to Becky's daycare. She was nice!
After a while, your foster Daddy died and went to heaven. Then foster Mommy could not take care of you anymore.
She got sad.
Becky loved you so much that she said: You and sister Sara could live with her for a while.
Becky, and Terri, and Bobbi, and Jaime, all loved you very much;
They still do;
They always will;
but, they were not able to be
"Always and Forever"
they were only able to be your family for a while.
They loved you so much that they, and the state, decided that they needed to find you an
"Always and Forever"
family, with a Mommy, and a Daddy, and a brother.
Do you know that Mommy and Daddy wanted another little boy? We had David, but we wanted to love another little boy as well. David wanted a brother to love and play with. Then one day, the people at the state told us you could be our boy!
We were so happy.
Remember when we came to visit you at Becky and Terri's?
We brought you a big batman?
Then we looked at pictures of our family;
and our house;
and our doggies;
and our cars?
I REMEMBER!
Now you are our son. I love you so much. You will always be my boy. I will never leave you.
Nothing you say or do can ever make me let you go.
You are mine.
You are Daddy's.
You are David's.
We are yours.
ALWAYS!
and
FOREVER!
I know you want your Other Mommy.
That's ok.
It's ok to miss her.
I'm sure she misses you.
But, she is happy that you have a family
Always and Forever!
It's ok to miss them.
I know you're sad.
I'm so sorry that you feel sad.
I love you, and I'll always be here.
I'LL NEVER LEAVE!
These bouts of fear, grief, and rage would eventually end with crying, and sobbing. Finally, he would stop fighting my comfort, my touch, and my voice. Sometimes, he would softly mumble:I wish I grew in your tummy.
I don't want to grow in Marsha's.
I simply said: Me too.
It took many months, actually about two years, when, one day, Dalton was playing in the drive. The neighbor girl was over, jumping on our mini-tramp. Dalton was sitting in the driveway, in his swimsuit, playing with his toys, while we were washing cars, when I heard:
Before I was born
I grew in Mommy Marsha's tummy.
Then I lived in a foster family.
Then I lived with Becky,
And Terri,
And Bobbi,
And Jamie.
They had two dogs and two cats!
I like cats!
AND NOW I'M HERE!
I'M GLAD I'M HERE!
He barely turned his head, but he sent me a look of confirmation. Then, he continued to play.
