Nothingness
Imagine yourself lying in your warm bed awaiting sleep's comforting arms.
Your door opens and a familiar person enters,
you are sure for another good night kiss.
The familiar face smiles as his hand reaches
under the comfort of your warm covers,
And slides over to touch you in a way you know is wrong.
So you pretend you're a doorknob as the assault continues,
Night after night, month after month.
For doorknobs feel nothing, see nothing, are nothing.
You begin to dread bedtime.
Who can you tell? No, mustn't tell or he might find out.
Then it would be worse.
So you drift further and further away from your world,
Moving from doorknob to nothingness.
Absolute nothingness means survival.
One day you are suddenly ripped away from all that is familiar.
The nice lady in the black suit says she's your friend.
But how can you trust her, she might be his ally.
You must remain in your nothingness.
This is survival.
The nice lady drives you one day, to a beautiful house.
"This will be your new home," she smiles.
You remain in your nothingness.
This is survival.
A new family await your arrival. All run to the car to greet you.
The children look happy. The mom and dad look nice.
But so did yours.
You remain in nothingness.
This is survival.
New clothes, new toys, good food, loving people.
This cannot be real.
It is a ploy.
Soon they will sneak into your bedroom at night,
And it will all begin again.
You remain in nothingness.
This is survival.
Days and months pass. You see glimmers of hope.
No, no make them go away. I don't want to be hurt again.
So you throw things at the new family,
spit upon them, smear feces on their walls.
You remain in nothingness.
This is survival.
But now the nothingness allows anger to join it.
Can you survive?
An entire year has passed.
They have a cake for you, with a candle on it.
You throw the cake. Stomp on it. Run away.
Far away.
But they find you. They are still smiling and saying, "We love you."
You wish you had eaten some cake, but only for a moment.
Nothings cannot eat cake,
or ever let them know you wanted it.
For you are nothing, no matter what they say.
They don't know, can't know what you've survived.
For they will blame you, and think you dirty and shameful.
Just like he told you...
It was all your fault.
Back when you were in the total nothingness.
Little by little the nothingness fades away.
No... no you think, as you pull it back and cover your head with it.
For nothingness is your protection.
The warm cloak that protects you.
Your new family persists, but you can see their looks.
The glances at the dinner table when you spit your food.
Or use forbidden words.
Soon they will give up and
You can return to your blessed nothingness.
You so want to cry out,
"Please, please free me from this nothingness."
"I want to be like you."
"Want to be part of you."
Instead you kick the dog, poop in your pants,
Spit on your clean clothes.
It becomes more and more difficult to remain in the nothingness.
But why escape it, only to be hurt again.
Maybe "they" are waiting for you to feel,
So "they" can sneak in your room,
In the darkness,
Late at night,
When no one hears.
You vow silently to the you who hides inside.
"I will remain a nothing in nothingness
Until the day I die."
And then you sob silently into your pillow,
So no one can hear.
JHT
