Sorry
November 2010
I got up early this morning and then late morning I fell asleep on the couch. When I woke up, TLP asked me if I was okay. I told him that I was fine. He then said, "You were dreaming. You were angry and yelling in your sleep and it scared me." He then handed me FIVE letters and walked away saying, "I'm really sorry!!!!!!!!"
D is my 25 year old daughter...
Dear D,
I'm sorry for messing with you and calling you the B word and sorry for being jealous of you because I wish that I could talk as well as you and make sense out of it. I'm sorry for breaking things of yours when upset. I was very angry and rude. I'm sorry that I got into your makeup as a child, and broke your haircombs. I feel bad for making you mad at me when I did wrong. I'm sorry. I love you.
TLP
M is my 23 year old son....
Dear M,
I'm sorry that it took me so long to write this but I'm going to write it now. I am sorry for messing with you and throwing things in your bed when you were sleeping. There is another thing that I am sorry about. I'm sorry for killing your lizard and letting out your snake and coloring all over your bunny. I am very sorry about putting things in the hallways so you would step on them. I love you M.
TLP
Dear Dad,
I'm sorry for stealing your gold watch to make myself look good. I will figure out a way to get you a new one. I'm sorry for screwing with you at night. I'm sorry for hitting you in the head that one day that caused me to have to go to jail. Anyways the night issue, I'm sorry for touching you and shaking the floor with my feet and sorry for stomping and making you mad. I am sorry for stepping on your foot and sorry for getting into your Cd's to. I am sorry for swearing and making words mumbled so you can't hear.
I Love you
TLP
Dear Mom,
I'm sorry for making you tired over the years. I always messed with you and made you look like the bad guy. I'm scared of leaving but I will prove you wrong by showing you that I can make it through life without any problems. I know I can do it. You were right and I'm sorry for biting you when I was scared. I'm sorry for breaking things that belong to you and for stealing. I'm sorry that I hurt Zilla and Gwenny (bearded dragons). I am feeling pain from that. I'm very sorry for messing up your whole life, but I will undo that and make it right. I'm sorry for asking for too much when we shop. I always want stuff. I'm sorry for yelling and kicking and screaming as a child in the stores. I'm sorry for arguing and swearing at you. I'm sorry when I mess with you when you are sleeping.
I love you,
TLP
Dear Mr. Joe, (therapist)
I'm sorry for coming in your office and acting like there's nothing wrong. I'm sorry for spitting on you too. I'm sorry for acting like it's my mom and dads fault but really it's mine. I'm sorry for swearing at you when I was a child. I'm sorry for being scared of you. I'm sorry for messing with you. I'm scared to. love you.
TLP
I gave him a HUG and thanked him for my letter, telling him that I loved him too... but that he was going to have to work hard to prove that he really is sorry. I told him that letters are a good thing... a good start... but that TIME will tell us all how sorry he really is.
His sister had dinner with us tonight. He handed her the letter and took off to his room. She read it, sighed loudly... and then tore it up into pieces and threw it into the trash can. Some people might say that was a bit harsh... but I TOTALLY GET IT!!!!!!
I walked away to tend to dinner and didn't hear what his dad's reaction was.
His brother and his girlfriend decided not to come for dinner tonight, so TLP can give it to him tomorrow night at his hockey game.
I think it's good that he came up with the letters on his own. It's always a good start. But I am sort of where his sister is. I didn't tear mine up. I didn't sigh. But I was thinking... uh huh... this is nice but what's going to happen the next time you don't like what I say. It's kind of like in the song,
"I wanna say I'm sorry but I know I'll do it again." : (
Yep, I'm glad to hear that he's sorry today... but he's going to have a lot to prove to a lot of people over here. A letter is a really good place to START though.
I hope that this time he knows the reasons, so that he doesn't do it again... because I know that he really doesn't want to hurt us anymore. Yet, sometimes families just get too close for comfort... and I think it does become a matter of survival for them... a false fear of KILL or BE KILLED.
...and all we really wanted to do was love him all these years.
Maybe you should play this song at your house too. Maybe it'll get them thinking somewhere.
Maybe you will all get some apologies somewhere too.
Me... I'm just really TIRED!!!!!!!!!
And, I no longer expect anything from him anymore...
and I am still working hard on detaching my heart from his... as sad as that might sound.
I still love him...
I'm just choosing ME over him for the first time in 15 years.
I realize that it's time...
because if I don't detach...
I'm not going to survive for very much longer.
But... I DO love him...
