Dealing with Lying
How do you, as a parent, cope with it? I realize I can't stop it from happening but how do you manage your own reactions to it? Right now, I feel like I am surrounded by a lying volcano and apparently, this is super sensitive issue for me. I know, RAD kids and finding the things that make their parents crazy. To be fair, I am also dealing with alot of dishonesty at work right now so it is not all at home. It seems like the only place it doesn't happen (as much) is in the office with the AT. Moving in with the AT and his family would probably not be the ideal solution. Thanks for any tips you can share.
I so understand what you are saying. Lying to me is one of my big buttons. My daughter pushes it all the time, she lies about everything. It is the first thing that comes out of her mouth, almost a reflex. She even lies about simple stuff. I think it is an effort to keep me in the dark about anything and everything.
Sad to say, but I don't trust anything that she says to be true , I have to assume everything she says is a lie, until proven otherwise.
I have tried several things:
first I try not to ask - did you? will you? have you?
those are opportunities to lie.
I give her something other than what she asks for, like if she asks for cookies, I give her pretzels, and when she looks at me wierd, or objects, I say, oh I just figured you were lying about what you wanted.
If it is an obvious lie, I react by grabbing my ears- "Oh my ears are burning, you must be lying to me again".
Another thing I read to do was to agree to do something, then say oops I lied and walk away.
I haven't tried that one yet.
Over the years, I have learned to watch TLP's face (eyes) as he speaks to me. I have learned to see a LOOK in his eye that always reaffirms that what I am hearing is not the truth and I always confront him, email teachers to check stories, call parents, etc. After it has been proven that he has told a lie, he is disciplined (extra chores), made to apologize, and/or scolded for lying. When it's just harmless crazy lying that doesn't really involve anyone besides us... I sometimes just shake my head and walk away (giving no negative attention) or if it's a huge whopper of a lie... I may even laugh before walking away. Not a regular laugh, but more of a YOU'VE GOT TO BE KIDDING sort of a laugh. I think the lying improved a lot when I simply just ignored some of it... but we still hear it on occasion. Sometimes I wonder if it's more WISHFUL THINKING instead of bold-faced lies, for instance...
"Twelve different girls invited me to go to the dance with them today... but I decided not to go with any of them."
These kind of lies actually make me feel sad for him sometimes.
I remember saying something like, "Well, at least you'll have lots of date options if you change your mind and decide to go."
I say, "Oh, Pinocchio, look at your nose."
"Or wow, the tv/car window/etc is gonna break from your nose growing."
Sometimes, I just say, "Stop fibbing."
I do one of the same things as DJ's Mom. I do not ask how, why, who, etc. This gives T. less opportunity to lie. T. is an only child, so I already know it is her if something gets broken or a mess is made, etc. I say things like, clean up this mess, or I see you broke this. Whether she denies it or not, I impose the consequence.
T. often lies in the form of embellishment. She tells me about something that happened at school and then the more I am attentive to it, the more she adds to it. After a short time, I know that it could not possibly be true. Then I will say something like "That did not happen that way." If she insists that it did, she is not allowed to tell me anymore of that story. Lately, she will back up and say "ok, I didn't say/do that; but I wanted to" or "he really did... though."
T. likes power and strength, so I sometimes say things to her like, "I hope someday that you aren't so weak that you feel you have to lie, and you are strong enough to just be honest no matter what."
I wonder if saying to a liar,
"I am going to love you whether you lie or not"
May be something positive to say.