Verbally Expressed by TLP (The Child) - Typed by TLP's Mom
Tuesday, March 18, 2008
I want to live in a world of light. The light comes from the heavens and it shines down on me when I am in a dark place and it fills the darkness with light. It’s not safe being in the dark because it makes me feel scared and I worry about my safety. I need to learn to fight through darkness to let my mind lead me back into the light. I have to keep telling myself positive things because the more negative things I say, the more scared I get and the more unsafe I feel. I got to believe and trust myself that I can make it, and I got to be strong and have some courage to reach the light. When I get hugs it helps bring me back to the light and I think that love is the only way to fight through darkness. Sometimes it’s scary getting hugs when I’m in a dark place though.
I kept hurting my mom and she never gave up, and every time I kept on hurting her more she just kept giving me more love. I kept trying to get her to stop loving me and it didn't work. I wanted her to back off and stop loving me because I was afraid that bad things were going to happen if she loved me. I kept looking in the past and I thought that those same bad things were going to happen to me again. I thought that if I was bad that my mom would hit me or hurt me, but she didn't. She just kept showing more love than anger. Sometimes she did get mad. When she did get mad, it made me want to fight harder. Sometimes it made me scared when she tried to love me, and I would fight just to get her away from me because I wanted my birth family back. Even though they hurt me, they were part of my life and I'm not just going to forget them because I got taken away. I never thought that life could be so peaceful, but it is now. But even after 12 years with my new family, I still think of my birthmom and I'm worried that she's not making the right decisions. I don't want to see her, but I still worry that she's not safe. I just want my birthmom to be happy, but she's got to be the one to change her life and start all over again.