Greetings family:
This will be the easiest way to share some stuff with all of you since I will not see the majority of you before Thanksgiving. Josh will be coming home this weekend and next for visits before coming back home for good on 11/26. He has been formally diagnosed with Reactive Attachment Disorder (no real shock) and I am certain that we will be starting therapy with his Attachment Therapists (AT) soon after he comes home (read: no later than 12/1). But before we see everyone, I want to share with you some of the changes you are likely to see in the way that Josh and I interact and in the way in which he interacts with everyone else.
To use a sports analogy, Josh is being "Benched." He and I will be almost literally attached at the waist from the time he gets up to the time he goes to bed. He will have very little freedom (if any at all) to make his own choices. The theory being that if he has no choices to make, he can't make bad ones. He will make bad ones though as he tries to make plays for power and control. He has shown me that he can seek to destroy his room - he will be attempting to earn back his room, and he will be sleeping on the couch until he does. He has shown me that he likes to manipulate the rules as it pertains to what he can and cannot wear while at the group home, and he has therefore lost the ability to choose what he gets to wear, and I will choose for him. He has shown (here and at the group home) that he cannot be trusted to play with his friends/others without being a bully. He has lost the ability to play without my supervision. He has shown that he has no regard for my time, he has therefore lost the ability to have free time for him.
It may all seem VERY harsh, but I assure you that it will be balanced with fun, just structured fun.I have spoken to many RAD parents, read 3 books (so far - have literally 5 more sitting in front of me) and they all say the same thing - this is the way to go. What I am asking for from all of you is your patience and understanding as Josh and I navigate our way through this new "dance". While I don't expect you to totally understand, feel free to ask - even around Josh. This will be completely foreign to him, as I don't think he feels I am capable of this. He and I are going to sit down tomorrow when he gets here and I will lay down the new rules, and answer his questions. I firmly believe that this is going to be rough for him and for me. He will fight me (hopefully not physically, but if he does that I can deal with it) and hopefully he will learn the rules somewhat quickly.
Josh will be "repaying" people in some form or fashion if he does something against them (breaks something of theirs, argues with them, keeps them from doing what they need to do, etc). What I am asking from all of you is that if I tell Josh he has to do something to make restitution, don't shrug it off. Allow him to do (no matter how long it takes us) and if you can offer a sincere thank you when he's done, please feel free to do so.
I am not asking anyone to agree with this course of action, but if you disagree with it, be like a normal family and do it behind my back or just tell me later. I have nothing to lose at this point, and doing this will hopefully serve to make his bond to me stronger (or exist at all) but it will take time, patience, and consistency.
I just wanted to give you all a heads up!
