Ask the Doctor
My brother is 12 years old, and I believe with all my heart that he has RAD.
For years now, we have been trying to find help for my brother. Nothing
helps. He lies (even when there is no need), manipulates (which he is a
master at), and has a need to control everything and everyone, especially my
mom. I used to catch him hitting/kicking my two young boys and see the look
of what I would describe as "evil pleasure" on his face. Now that they are
older and can tell on him, he has to be smarter about the way he does it so
he can say it was an accident. He's hurt animals as well, and when you catch
him doing something or get on to him or disregard his excuses, he gets this
blank evil look. Like he's looking through you and there is nothing behind
his stare. There is So much more but there just isn't enough room. I'm sure
you know it all anyway. I have been so frustrated watching my mom go through
this, as well as go through it with her. She is a single parent. I am 27, he is 12. So I am basically her co-parent. Finally, after my brother was hospitalized for attempted suicide, and diagnosed with schizophrenia (which he does NOT have, he answered the questions because he thought that would "explain" why he did the things he did and wouldn't be held accountable), I was telling my mom how nobody can help us because nobody sees him for who he is. He convinces everyone that he does these things because of what he has gone through. So he gets put on anti-depressants, ADHD meds, and therapy. Then he acts like all is well until everyone stops watching so closely, then we have to get help all over again. He's been in program after program. My mom told me of a school counselor he had last year that she ran into and told about the diagnoses he was given last. She said no, she absolutely did not believe that either, and that we should seriously look into RAD. I went online to radkid.org, and I felt like the page was created specifically about my brother. EVERYTHING it listed was in common with him. But everyone insists that he is just troubled and is depressed and has behavioral issues. They don't see everything. They don't see how bad it really is, the look in his eye, the pleasure he gets when he hurts someone, or gets us so mad we want to scream, then goes back to acting normal. They don't know he is lying to them, manipulating them, and putting on a complete act when they are around. Please, how do I get help? Who can I talk to that will work with us to determine what we already know and get him the right help. I feel like we are fighting everyone to get the right help and the only one who knows and has seen it is not in a position to help, only offer advice. But what she cannot do is the convincing. My mom is at her last nerve, me as well. He has gotten in my face time after time, called me so many things, always pushing us to our limit. He WANTS us to hit him, he tells us to. He is now to a point of taunting us to do it. We are in New Mexico where we are told we are not going to find a facility capable of treating this type of disorder. Is this true? Is there a therapist anywhere close that can recognize this in him and diagnose him? I love my brother, and I just want to get him the help he needs. I hope for a day that we can enjoy being with my brother and wonder how many days this is going to last before he "loses the act" and goes back the way he was. I am worried for my mom, and don't know how much more she can take. Any advice on where to start would be great. He is already in therapy and sees a psychiatrist.
Your brother, indeed, has many symptoms of RAD. RAD is like no other
disorder I have worked with and to help him would require finding someone who specializes in the treatment of this disorder. Knowledge is the key when dealing with someone with RAD so I suggest you read everything you can on the subject so you will not only understand your brother better, but will be less likely to get caught up in manipulations. Do not give up hope. Although your brother is at a difficult time as far as his age and the course of this disorder, I have worked with many individuals who have overcome the disorder. Good luck.
Dr. Catherine Swanson Cain, Ph.D., LMFT
I am the stepmother of a 9 year old with a diagnosis of RAD from a month long stay in the hospital and Conduct Disorder from the trauma network (they thought he had bonded with me.....believe it is more manipulation as I am the rescuer). Over the last two months, he has shown extreme aggression. I wait by the phone to return to school because he has kicked a kid that was on the floor, shoved a teacher, attempted to strangle a child, etc. He has come into our bedroom at night to steal his father's MP3, headphones, candy, etc. He steals from school, the store, and lies about virtually everything. His anger is uncontrollable. We have been to the ER, the therapist, called the Medical Director over the therapist. Apparently, no referral can be made unless they witness him being violent...which is not going to happen in the ER. I quit my job as a mental health case manager to find help. My husband was just laid off. I find that I am distancing myself because I am beginning to see that unless he has charges brought against him, he will not get help. Having worked in mental health, I know that DJJ is on one side and mental health is the polar opposite. Our closest RAD therapist is about an hour away. I did all the background work for his insurance and they have elected not to take anymore HealthChoice or Medicaid patients from this county (due to our LME merging with a larger mental health system). We sleep with all 4 dogs because he ripped the dog's hip out of socket (had to match his socks)and then gave the dog an ACL injury. The police say "Beat his A.. with a belt." however I know this only makes it worse. He wrote "KILL" in front of his dad's online name this week. I know something is getting ready to happen with someone or one of the dogs suffering a serious injury. I can't get a professional to listen and make a referral for respite, much less out of home placement. At the age of 4, he was dropped at his biological father's door. We have no clue what happened before as he was being raised by his biological mother and stepdad. I married his dad two years ago. I worked with children ages 0-5 who experienced trauma. I know what the future holds. I've tried everything. No one is listening. I'm tired of crying because another door got slammed in our face. I'm tired of his total lack of remorse about anything. He truly makes it clear "I don't care!" He has tried to take too many pills...ER says well doesn't want to harm himself now and not a danger to others......... what??? Can you offer any solutions, suggestions before something serious happens?
As a mental health case worker, I know you have seen it all, and know that working with RAD is very different than any other mental health disorder. Most people in the helping profession do not understand this, so I understand and can appreciate your frustration, and fear. And I do believe you should have fear at this point given the symptoms you reported. I don't know why those who are in the helping field need to "see" the behaviors in order to believe, but most of them do. And I know children with RAD can hold out for hours, weeks, and even months, to put up a facade to cover the behaviors that are only seen in the home or with someone close. I have worked with a few cases where we videotaped the behavior without the child knowing. That worked in maybe 50% of the cases, or less, in convincing someone to help. And you are right in that it will do no good to beat him with a belt like the police advised. That will not help.
Please continue to have hope, as there are still options, so please do not give up. I have seen far too many success stories. If you can find money, or a grant, I would suggest a wilderness program or something like what Nancy Thomas puts on. She moves her camps around the US. You can find a listing at http://www.attachment.org/pages_camp.php. They have a pretty good success rate if you are also ready take on, and do, all the hard work that is prescribed. It is not a "cure all" program, but rather, an educative one. But they are expensive.
You can also do it on your own with consultation via internet with a RAD
expert since the counselor you found would not take your insurance. I do sessions all the time via email, web format, phone, and webcam. And I am not the only one. There are many other good therapists out there that work online. You can also find them on Nancy Thomas' website. After all, the most effective treatment for RAD is not an hour session for the child in the therapist's office once a week, but in educating the family on RAD and helping them set up a plan of correction in the home, while supporting them as they do it.
And please develop a network of others dealing with the same thing you are facing. That is one of the greatest stress relievers, and educational tools, I have found. There are many good RAD forums on the web these days too and once you find others in similar situations, they can share strategies with you that worked for them.
Good luck and let me know if I can help you in any way.
Dr. Catherine Swanson Cain, Ph.D., LMFT
We have a 17 year old daughter that we adopted from a Far Eastern Russian orphanage on April 15, 2004. She developed what I thought were RAD symptoms around the time she turned 16 in October of 2009. By October 2010 we made the very difficult choice to place her in a residential care facility in Utah that claimed they could treat her for RAD. As it turned out, her male therapist was more concerned that he be her friend than being her therapist. In one session I attended in person, we live in Washington State, I said to my daughter, "Do you know that I love you?" HE immediately said to her, "Do you know that I love you?" I was shocked. He and his administration defended his actions to the end. I had a meeting with the Staff and they told me they would not do the therapy she needed to resolve the trauma associated with being abandoned in the orphanage by her parents. My daughter claims to remember her bio father but her brothers say he never came to the orphanage. The orphanage administration and the courts confirmed what the brother says. My daughter blames me, the stay at home dad for everything. For the first 5 years she treated me like her dad. Then kaboom! I was treated like dirt by her especially when mom was away. She says she has a memory of her Dad but not her mom so she can accept my wife as her mom. I am the stay at home Dad. We adopted our first children on December 24, 2000 from same orphanage. The daughter I am referring to was adopted four years later along with her two older brothers. They were first cousins to the first two siblings we adopted. I pulled her out of the institution when they admitted they would not do the therapy she needed. Now we need to get her some treatment here in Washington before she turns 21 on October 28th. What about EMDR? What about hypnosis? I believe she is starting to process the loss as she always did when I brought up her bio- parents in therapy. We told her that she should love her bio parents. Please advise. I believe that until she processes the loss of the bio parents she will always use me as an excuse for her behavior and keep trying to exclude me from the family.
As you have found out at the in-patient treatment center, there are
different philosophies to treating RAD. I spent 10 years researching
methodology for treating RAD, and all of the different styles. I tend to
follow the model of leading experts such as Foster Cline, Nancy Thomas,
Terry Levi, and Daniel Hughes. You might want to look into some of their
websites or books. It is also not uncommon for a child to target a parent,
or for the trauma symptoms to remain submerged for months to years. You might first read some of the above literature, I would start with Nancy Thomas. She has a website that lists therapists in various parts of the country that follow the philosophy I do. I have used it successfully for
many years. I also work with parents of children with RAD from all over the country, and some in other countries, via phone, web cam, or email. I tell every parent to start first with educating yourself, and maybe you have. Wilderness camps have been highly successful in the treatment of RAD. I have read good things on EDMR, not so much on hypnosis. Neurofeedback has shown promising results. It takes many sessions, from 40-100 or more, but you can be trained, purchase a machine under someone who is qualified, and then have them read and analyze your results. I had just started a project doing this on children with Autism and RAD and was beginning to see results (as were teachers, parents, grandparents, and the like) in about 15 sessions. I had to abandon the project due to an accident but really feel this is a highly successful treatment you might want to look into. Let me know if I can help you further.
Dr. Catherine Swanson Cain, Ph.D., LMFT
I am currently working with a 15 year old girl with RAD. She has been placed
in almost every type of setting that our State has to offer and now her
current residential treatment center is informing that they don't feel as if
they are helping her at all. I just recently started working with this girl
but am struggling with finding something that may work for her. I see the
potential in her and really strive to get her what she needs. We need to
have some options and may even need to look out-of-state to find an option.
Right now being at home with her family is not an option for her. Are there
any really great programs that you would recommend and that have had high
success rates with children with RAD?
At 15, treating RAD is very difficult. I would prefer treating under the age
of 10 or over 18 because the adolescent can see no wrong and no reason to change. But there are options. I have had the most success in referring a child of this age to a wilderness program or a military type school, if you have that option. There is a great wilderness program in Alabama called Paint Rock that has had a lot of success with RAD. I commend you for your concern in wanting to help this girl but it really takes intense therapy to counter the effects of RAD. If an alternative placement is not an option, please look for a RAD specialist in your area. You may be able to find one on Nancy Thomas' website. She lists approved RAD experts that might be able to help you. If you want to do what you can do to help, she has many videos and books to help. I would start with "When Love Is Not Enough." Visit the RAD websites to see what others have done as well. Knowledge is your best offense. I wish you well in your quest.
Dr. Catherine Swanson Cain, Ph.D., LMFT
Do you have any suggestions on how to help a now 13 year old RAD girl who believes that she remembers being locked in the bathroom at 2 yrs old, and now will avoid using the bathroom at all cost. She will wet herself and hide the wet clothes. She is now having periods, and I am finding the soiled pads in her room, under the desk or dresser, hidden in the dirty clothes hamper, etc. We now have no lock on the bathroom door, so she doesn't have to fear that she will be locked in the bathroom at home. I am at my wits end with this. Have tried incentives, consequences, ignoring ( can't ignore the pads though). Nothing seems to help.
I would be very neutral with her. I believe this is an attempt to get some
"poor me" attention. I would acknowledge her memory of being locked in the bathroom at 2 very compassionately, but say, "Hey. And now you are 13 and you never have to deal with that again. Aren't you blessed. Let it go." Wetting herself and hiding the clothes and avoiding to use the bathroom are very typical RAD behaviors. RAD is ALL about control. She is being in control by wetting and depositing pads. A child can only control what goes in and what goes out, so I frequently see eating or toileting issues in children with RAD. Definitely make her clean up after herself. I make kids who wet or soil put their own clothes or bedding into the washer, then park a chair in front of the washer until the cycle is done, then into the dryer and park it in the chair again until that cycle is done. Then fold the clothes or put the sheets back on the bed to help them see the significance of what they have done and to make it not worth their while. If you've tried reward systems and they didn't work, then the reward wasn't high enough to change the behavior in a positive direction. Set it higher. Remember, this is not forever. It is just long enough to change a behavior which takes 2-3 weeks depending on the child. So I would offer, maybe, money, given her age because that would be a good incentive. And I would say, "For every pad you show me you have correctly deposited, you get 50 cents." Or something like that. Make it positive. Make her want to do it. Same with the wetting herself. Kids with RAD typically do these things to get a negative reaction out of
you, which they are addicted to feeding off of, so don't give one. Make it
neutral. No emotional reaction. Contract with her rationally -- "If you do
_____, you get ______." Help her choose to make the correct choice on her own.
Dr. Catherine Swanson Cain, Ph.D., LMFT
I am the mother of an 18 month old little boy who has the ability to be both the sweetest little person I've ever met, and the most disturbed. He has been kicked out of daycare because they can not stop him from attacking babies. He attacks the family pets, he refuses to have anything to do with me, but is overly attached to seemingly everyone else. When I was pregnant, his father abused me trying to make me miscarry.. I did lose the other twin, and went through a lot of stress and still his father is not in his life. I have severe clinical depression but have never neglected or abused him. I do not use drugs or alcohol. I am a single parent, so I do work full time, so he has to be in someone's care while I work in order to support my family. We can not find an appropriate care for him, and like I said he has been removed from daycare. I tried placing him in foster care with a family with experience with RAD, a family where the mom can stay home with him and give him the attention he needs, but that did not work. He is too much for anyone to handle, and I am so scared and don't know what to do. I have mentioned these issues and I have mentioned RAD to his pediatrician and his therapists through Early Intervention but they see a whole different child than I see, and laugh it off. Is there hope for us?
There is always hope so please, don't ever give up. I have seen too many
miracles take place that I never thought were possible. But if your little
guy is already getting kicked out a day cares at 18 months you need some professional help from someone who specializes in RAD. Early intervention is great, and I did the work for many years, but what you need is a specialist to help you get your son's behavior under control. The problem is that most therapists don't treat children your son's age, so you may have to do a bit of searching. I would start by visiting Nancy Thomas' website. She lists attachment specialists around the country. You need someone who specializes in this because the treatment is way different than what you will get from early interventionists, or even regular therapists for that matter. You're going to need someone that can guide you through the healing process. Let me know if I can be of help.
Dr. Catherine Swanson Cain, Ph.D., LMFT
My son was diagnosed with RAD a year and a half ago. He is currently age 13 and was adopted at age 7. Amongst a host of behavioral issues we continue to
address, he has always been resistant to completing class work, studying and
homework (learning disability not the issue) Reward for good grades is not
motivating, setting aside study time not effective, consequences not
effective. He is aware that if he does not feel like working, he just won't
and is okay taking an "F". When he applies himself (which has not been
consistent for an entire semester)only a little he will get A's and B's. We
have had to work very closely each school year with teachers in order to get
him through school. At times feeling more committed than him. This semester
we have decided to allow natural consequences for not doing his work, not
studying, and intentionally failing exams to occur. Does this have the
potential to be successful in getting him to see why he need to take more
responsibility for doing well or will this reinforce negative feelings?
Although natural consequences are the best, I have concerns whether you son would be motivated by them in this case since he doesn't care if he gets an F. This is common behavior in RAD as the child needs to sabotage success in order to reach a comfort state of shame. Hopefully you are working with an attachment specialist as treating just a symptom is not always effective, you have to get to the root of the problem. If you don't have an attachment specialist, you might be able to find one near you on Nancy Thomas' website. You can look for parent-certified therapists by state. If you must just work on one symptom, such as not doing the school work, then putting on external rewards and punishments is still the most effective, you just have to find the right ones that work with your son. As you are finding out, and as is common with RAD, many children don't seem to want to work for anything and don't mind the consequences put on to them. But I have found there usually is something that almost every child will work for, or work to prevent. For example, adding on hard, and not pleasant chores, is a frequent punishment that I use that is quite effective. And it may be that you end up having to monitor his homework, or have someone else do it, on a daily basis until he graduates. It is frustrating when you know he is capable of the work, but passing grades are more important than not finishing high school.
Dr. Catherine Swanson Cain, Ph.D., LMFT
When my 4.5 year old ASD son doesn't get his way, he lashes out with threats
that he follows up with hitting, kicking and so on. Recently he's started saying things like, I'm going to cut you up with a sharp knife or cut out your eyes." My response is very calmly, "No, I don't think I would like that". He seems to be looking for a reaction although the other day when he was angry with me he got his little pretend kitchen plastic knife and put it in the waist-band of his little tighty whities. I was shocked but tried to completely ignore it. At the same time, if I leave a sharp knife out on the counter he comes running to me about how I need to put it away and how unsafe it is. He also scratches at my moles because he likes the reaction I give him, because it HURTS a lot. I just cover it up and go about reading him his bedtime book. Saturday when I had to physically drag him home from a city fair. He was so mad when I forced him in the front door, that he ran strait for the kitchen knives. He can't reach them yet, but stared at them. So what do I do? How do a address his anger and redirect towards other ways of showing his displeasure?
The behaviors you are describing are serious enough that I do not feel
ignoring them will make them go away. You want to put a stop to this type of behavior now before he does actually use a knife. If he is talking about it, and running to get one when angry, you can almost bet he will use one when he can finally get his hands on one. I recommend to families with children who have RAD to keep sharp knives and other sharp kitchen tools locked up so that the temptation is not there. I also use Straight Sitting, or Strong Sitting (depending upon the author) to teach a child to control their hands, feet, and mouth. It would take me several pages to write out how to go about teaching this, but you should be able to find something about this on the Internet or I can provide it for you in an email session. Please do find yourself an attachment therapist as the behaviors you are describing are serious, and common, with RAD, but they can progress to being something much worse if you do not get them under control.
Dr. Catherine Swanson Cain, Ph.D., LMFT
My daughter who came from the foster care system at age 5 is now turning 13.
She has PTSD, RAD, and ADD. My newest difficulty has to do with the onset
of menstruation. She is not responsible for her hygiene, and I have found
used pads and soiled underwear and clothing lying on the floor of her room
or put in the dirty clothes hamper. She also has been wetting her pants
the entire seven years that she has been with us. We recently have put her
in Poise pads to protect the furniture and to reduce the laundry load. She
has been keeping the same soiled pad on for 2 or 3 days at a time, even to
the point of becoming sore. I also have found the soiled pads in the washing
machine or lying on the floor of her room. Do you have any suggestions on
how to deal with the soiled pad issue? It just is so gross!
Personal hygiene issues are very common in RAD. I am assuming that you have had your daughter medically examined to make sure there is no biological reason for her enuresis (wetting). If there isn't, you can assume it is a behavioral issue. Issues of hygiene come from a core base of shame. This is one of the psycho-social stages we all go through (see Erik Erikson's psycho-social stage of shame versus autonomy. When a child's emotional development is disrupted by abuse, neglect, or some other disruption, the child often get stuck in this stage of development. Thus, they try to keep themselves in a state of shame because that is comfortable. Hopefully your daughter is seeing someone that specializes in the treatment of RAD. You can find a listing of qualified professionals on Nancy Thomas' website. If not, this is such a common problem with RAD that you can find many remedies on her site and from RAD forums. I typically educate the child on RAD, on the shame versus autonomy stage, and help them understand how their behavior today is related to what happened to them in their past. Do make sure that your daughter is made to be 100% responsible for her messes. You will definitely want to put some rewards and consequences for appropriate and non- appropriate hygiene. Make sure the rewards are something she truly wants so she will work for them and make sure the punishment is something she absolutely hates or they won't work. Good luck.
Dr. Catherine Swanson Cain, Ph.D., LMFT
I am trying to help a family, that has a male, 14 year old RAD child. They are searching for a 30-45 day inpatient treatment center in East Tenn. or Southwest Va. The young man has been through 8-10 local in-home providers (all females). The child was abandoned by his Mother and he has a very difficult time with female therapists. His adoptive family has 3 teenage girls in the home and the parents are afraid he is going to hurt them. If you have any suggestions, it would be greatly appreciated.
I would be very reluctant to put a teenage child with RAD into an
in-patient treatment facility because it would be like putting him in a
candy store. I don't know of a facility that treats RAD specifically,
except some of the wilderness programs, which are excellent for RAD. There used to be one here in middle TN called Three Springs. They merged with their sister affiliate, Paint Rock, in Alabama, but I recently heard they may be closing. You can find them online. Treatment lasts 12-14 months and costs about $65,000. Another alternative would be a military like camp. You can find summer camps that follow either of these philosophies too. They are constantly changing so I would also check the internet for current programs. Good luck.
Dr. Catherine Swanson Cain, Ph.D., LMFT
I have not seen this talked about here, so perhaps it's something else, but
I'm curious. R seems to have no idea where her body is in relation to other
objects. She is 7 years old and adopted from a disruption at age 4 1/2, but
the other Mom had her only a couple of weeks. She is wild and often flinging
herself around, dancing or jumping or laying backwards off the furniture. I
have been hurt I don't know how many times in the evening watching tv from
her sitting on my lap flailing an elbow or knee or head. It's the same thing
with objects she may be carrying, from a play guitar to a ball to a
jumprope. All things can become deadly in her hands. She will fling the
jumprope around instead of using it correctly, throw the ball too hard or be
too wild with the toy guitar. Sometimes she hurts herself, a lot of the time
it's me. I don't think it's all on purpose, I have watched her for a long time now. She just seems careless and too rough and unaware of how her actions can affect other people. For a long time any drink that was anywhere near her would get spilled. I could go on, but you get the point. It was suggested on the forum that I post this question here. Is this a facet of Rad, or something else? If so, is there a way to settle this behaviour down without drugs? Thank you so much for your help, I look forward to your answer.
Your daughter's not-knowing-where-her-body-is-in-space-and-time is a a
classic RAD symptom. It is also a symptom of other disorders and for
children with sensory integration (SI) issues which is common in RAD, the Autism spectrum disorders, or ADHD. The good news is that it is very
treatable and I treat it all the time in my practice. It would take me more than a response to this question to teach you exactly how to do that and I would be glad to do that for you in an email session, or if you want to learn on your own, I recommend the book "The Out Of Sync Child." I am at home and don't have the author's name at the tip of my tongue but she has a sequel or two to that book on how to treat SI issues and I trust them so much that I buy the books whenever I can find them at a used book store and give them out to my parents. I also recommend Nancy Thomas' book "When Love Is Not Enough" and her Strong Sitting technique. I use this all the time too as a way for children to learn self-control and where their body is in space and time. You can just google her name and you will find her website. For any parent of a child with RAD, her readings are a must. Good luck! I hope this has helped.
Dr. Catherine Swanson Cain, Ph.D., LMFT
My 17 year old son has a history that is extremely complex with multiple layers of physiological, psychological, and attachment issues that have been problematic and affecting functioning throughout his life. And yet, with constant supervision and ongoing therapy throughout the years, he has made remarkable strides compared to what might have been anticipated, given his early history. This report states that my son should be monitored carefully on a 24/7 basis. It notes that his reasoning skills, his awareness of the environment around him, and his ability to problem solve is more like a 6-10 year-old level, but his impulsive control difficulties and factors of attention concerns make him even more dangerous as he will likely not stop to think about consequences or outcomes of his behavior. We were advised to seek out an attorney who can help us secure the necessary guardianship papers, and work with us to develop financial strategies to ensure that our son will be cared for throughout his life; and that funding is available for ongoing treatment, residential care, etc. This report also states that our son would likely would be best served in a group home or semi-independent living program with very careful monitoring. Can you advise me as to what some of our other options might be for our son, as he is expressing a need to be independent in his adult life.
Launching a child, especially one with both psychological and cognitive
needs is a scary thought so the first thing I want to do is bring you
hope. I am working with a family that adopted four kids with RAD ranging in age from 18 to 10. The oldest and youngest both have several
psychological and cognitive deficits. I have been working with the family
for about two years. We have specifically worked on teaching the oldest
survival and daily living skills but he so lacks common sense and cause
and effect reasoning, we knew he could not survive on his own in the real world. He is also very gullible and persuadable, making him an excellent target. When I first met him, he could not write his name in cursive to sign a check (not that I thought he could handle money, but it was a step in the process.) He didn't understand the value of money, couldn't make change, couldn't budget, etc. Yet he was determine to live on his own and make it in the world. He is very violent and the family home has numerous holes in the walls, broken windows and furniture, and the like. He has thrown his disabled father to the ground more than once and injured him. He is heavily medicated but unless you stand over him and watch him take the medication and make sure he eats and drinks to ensure the medication goes down, he would bring it back up and hide it. To make a long story short, the family could no longer take the violence and disruptions in their lives. The younger children were suffering and they were scared to death. The boy finally stole about $7000 of items from their safe, took all the other kids medications, and took off. He was picked up by police who found him sitting on a street corner crying, not knowing what to do. We racked our brains. The family did not know what to do. They did not want him back in the home and they did not want to abandon him. We were able to find a half-way-house that would take him in. He qualified for free because of his cognitive disability. He has 24/7 supervision. Someone goes with him where ever he goes. He is responsible for chores, laundry, attending church functions, attending school, etc. They teach life skills and make numerous trips into the community to help him and the others survive. He is delighted there. He feels independent, even though he isn't, and he is safe. He has new friends a sense of pride, and an outlook for the future.
I wonder if there is such a program in your area?
I have another girl I counsel in Ohio who is 17 with RAD. She is sexually
provocative and passively devious doing things like putting poison in the
family food, or sabotaging things in the home during the middle of the
night. We put her in a wilderness program about a year ago. She is set to come out some time this spring but the family cannot take her back. We were able to find a military academy for her to go to until she graduates, and then she will go into the military. I have had really good luck with RAD kids going into the military because of the strict routine and structure and the 24/7 supervision.
I have two other families of 18 and 19 year old kids with RAD and who have cognitive deficits where they can never function on their own. One of these families converted a well house into a small, one room home for
their child to live in. He LOVES his independence. They manage his money and have strict rules about what he can do and where he can go but it is working. We are working on getting him a job now and he will pay rent to them. The parents of the other girl rented a small home about 3 doors down from their own for their daughter to live in. Again, they handle her finances, help her with shopping and diet (she over eats horribly), and help her set up schedules for cleaning, laundry, and such. She will never live independently but this is working out for the most part. The family gets pretty exasperated from time to time when she does things like run up a bill on pay-for-view movies, or one time she received one of those credit card offers in the mail and took the card out and charged it to the max! They have her working at something like a GoodWill where she gets a little bit of money. She gets disability which they control and use toward utilities and rent. They are tiring a little at providing her care and are looking into a half-way-house for her too near Nashville. It looks like she will qualify and everything will be paid for through disability.
Anyway, just wanted to let you know that there are others out there in the same predicament and there are success stories in overcoming the problem.
Dr. Catherine Swanson Cain, Ph.D., LMFT
My 14 year old son has been back in contact with us since December 09. I
have been avoiding confrontation with him at all costs as he is not living
back in our home. Sometimes he has been pleasant, other times he has been
foul to me. He even went as far as phoning me the other evening just to try
to bait me into an argument. I bought son a phone and limited contract. I
have now been advised that he planned to try to figure out my details and
password and try to get more things added to the call plan. We have removed
the contract from the phone and I wrote him a letter explaining our reasons
and advised that until he is willing to apologize for the treatment he has
been giving me, and apologize for considering to commit fraud using my
details; we will not move forward. He has also been letting my daughter down
consistently by not turning up for planned visits etc, so I advised that he
should also commit to either be in her life or not. Our daughter is not too
affected and understands that her brother can often make very poor choices.
I just wonder why, when I am not attempting to be the authority in his life
that all his hatred is mostly all still directed towards me. Yes, he has
been treating others badly but not anything like the treatment I still
receive. I would say that he has become 100 times worse since leaving our
home and I am now scared to even try to confront him on my own.
Your son is using you as his target to vent his anger and frustration. It
probably has nothing to do with you. People tend to target someone they
can trust to still love them and help them through the venting. When he is baiting you, he is looking for action. If he gets you mad, hurt, or upset,
he wins, so try very hard to be neutral, cool, and calm. Easier said than
done. But you have been very wise to require him to be consistency in your daughters life or out. No relationship can be healthy without trust and if she can't trust him, their relationship will go no where. You are also making the right decision to cut off the phone until he can take
responsibility for his actions. So it appears you are doing the right
things in order to help your son.
Dr. Catherine Swanson Cain, Ph.D., LMFT
Our 12 year old daughter, adopted from Moscow at age 17 months, has
"attachment issues". I put this in quotes because we have been struggling
for years to obtain clinical insight to her issues so we can apply the
appropriate help. ADHD, OPD, impulsivity, control issues, attachment
disorder, all labels have been applied. She is now a real handful at home -
damaging the house, angry at Mom, lying stealing, etc. A potential
resources has been recommended - a respite worker trained by Nancy Thomas.
What do you know of this type of therapy?
Nancy Thomas is one of the most "hands on" knowledgeable people alive in the daily care of children with attachment issues, as well as ADHD and ODD. She has helped hundreds of children over the years. I highly recommend her book "When Love Is Not Enough." I always keep 2-3 copies of the book at my office so I can share it with families I see. Visit her website and you will find other books and videos that are very helpful. Others to follow are Terry Levy, Daniel Hughes, and Foster Cline. I am partial in that they share my philosophy on the treatment of attachment disorders. I have spent years not only researching this type of treatment, but also providing it. This philosophy is controversial and those of us that follow this philosophy are sometimes criticized for it, but it works. Good luck to you!
Dr. Catherine Swanson Cain, Ph.D., LMFT
Our story is long and frustrating as all the other stories I have read on
this site are. So, I will cut right to the question. We adopted our son at
age eight from Hong Kong. He came to us with ADHD. He has been diagnosed with a mood disorder (presents as bipolar) and RAD. He is medicated for the first two, and the medications seem to be helping. He has had attachment therapy over the years, but never really commits to it. He is now 14 and has stated he is not interested in going anymore. He has also stated that he has other priorities in his life that are more important than building relationships with us as family members. He would like to leave our family. He is open to having a new family,or going into a military boarding school (he has been obsessed with war for as long as we have known him). So, the question is this, what would be best for him? Our son is obviously old enough to only do what he wants and so there is no way we can force him into any type of therapy anymore. We have tried and it has been a waste of time, energy and money. The entire family (three other children) are as tired as we (his parents) are at trying to help him. He does not want it. He is only interested in himself. We are considering other options. What would you recommend for such a teen?
Sorry to hear of your situation and I sure do understand your frustration. At 14, if your son does not want counseling, he probably won't benefit from continued counseling. If the child isn't willing to work hard to make personal change or see the benefits of counseling, there is
nothing you can do to convince him or her. On a positive note, however, I know of several success stories where individuals joined the armed forces. The armed forces teach discipline, self control, pride, team work, personal responsibility, etc. so that direction may benefit your son, especially since he is showing signs of interest in taking that path. I know your concerns about his obsession with war and killing, but even so, I have seen positive results.
I know it must hurt to hear him say he wants to live with someone else but if you can, try not to take it too personally. It isn't a rejection of
you. It is a rejection of himself and his never ending search for what he
feels he is missing inside. His unhappiness is just being projected on to
you. It is very common for the teens I work with to harbor the desire and
fascination of finding a new life with someone else. But those that do
quickly find out their problems follow them no matter where they go. I
usually try to talk the child into staying put with their original family
with a reward at the age of 18 for having done so, like helping him get
into the armed services, a cash bonus, or some other persuasion. I help
the family put down ground rules, however, and consequences if the child chooses not to follow them.
Good luck to you. Best wishes and joy at this holiday season. Just know
that you are not alone. I talk to people every day facing this same kind
of situation.
Dr. Catherine Swanson Cain, Ph.D., LMFT
I am a foster and adoptive mom of eight kids ranging from almost two to eleven years old. Of my four adopted, only one (our six year old) has the RAD diagnosis. I believe that our seven year old has it, but the therapist doesn't want to label her RAD for long term reasons. That therapist has hinted at many of the suggestions you have in these posts, but never put them strongly. I've wondered in the past if the therapist is right for my daughter but having read the posts it sounds like she does know what she is talking about - just lacked the confidence to mandate I do such and such. Of my four foster children, two of them (ages four and six) are showing some symptoms of RAD; but they are young and I am not convinced they have it. They may just be copying the behaviors of the older two.
1. With my 7 year old, we have been on the verge of residential treatment for
about 6 months now. The only reason it hasn't happened is because the local
one has almost never produced positive results. (I worked in related fields
for many years before becoming a mom.) Today, my daughter broke my husband's hand in one of her rages (kicked a door shut on him). My thoughts again returned to RTC. Reading your posts reconfirmed my thoughts that it is not wise. Her therapist has mentioned a therapeutic foster home but made no
movement in that direction. I am not excited about that option as I feel we
are finally just starting to address her attachment issues primarily at home,
but now in therapy as well. We will begin filial therapy in FE when the therapist
returns to work. My question is, what the best way to proceed? When
does one seriously look into Evergreen or Three Springs? When would one
seriously consider a therapeutic foster home? Do I give the filial therapy
the 12-16 weeks it takes and see how it goes, or are there points like today
when I say, that we can't wait that long and we need something more immediately?
2. We are in the process of adopting the four foster kids (with a possible
5th sibling). I can't foresee us not adopting them as they have been with us
for two years and my husband (and I of course) are very attached to them.
Both the seven and six year old that I have already adopted are not excited about the adoption potential. (We haven't told them yet that one is legally free and the other three are almost). Part of me says that is part of life - if I had
given birth to these four, I wouldn't kick them out due to the RAD kids. So
why would I now? The RAD kids have to learn to deal with life and not be catered to. The other part says I am being irresponsible. That I have a commitment first to the kids that I have already adopted and I should stop foster care and pour all of my energy into their attachments, both for the RAD kids' sake and the safety of the foster kids. Any thoughts?
I commend you for your efforts and attitude. You hint of the type of
personality it takes for success in a foster/adoptive mom with children
with RAD. Tough love with strict boundaries are equally as important as
love and nurturing.
I am not surprised that your therapist suggests attachment strategies that
you have read about but seems to not quite want to commit. I commend her for knowing about RAD treatment in the first place as it has only been identified since 1994 and most therapists don't understand or treat it. Those of us who treat RAD are often criticized or threatened because the approach that must be used goes completely against everything anyone was ever taught.
You are also well informed to know that residential treatment most often
does not work with RAD because of this. I taught behavior and special
education courses for years at the University of MN before becoming
infatuated with why the strategies I was teaching were not working with a select population of children who suffered abuse, neglect, abandonment, etc. It was because they suffered from RAD and it is still difficult today to convince those in the helping profession to understand how to address RAD issues.
I have found therapeutic foster care (if the foster family is educated and
trained in RAD) quite effective but you can't just enroll your child into
one of those. There typically has to be a failed adoption, trouble with
the law, or some other precursors before this treatment strategy will be
paid for or considered by DCS and the state.
I am tracking a couple of kids in wilderness camps and am pleased with the results. Three Springs shut down in TN where I live and joined Paint Rock in Alabama due to economic issues. Paint Rock was the female equivalent to Three Springs and they are affiliated. I love the philosophy behind the programs and how life is lived there. One of Three Springs' supervisors joined me in my practice last year when the program closed and she had tracked many children with attachment issues who benefited greatly from the wilderness approach. I have toured the facility personally and independently interviewed some of the kids and was greatly impressed. At this time, I am convinced this might be one of the most effective approaches to RAD at this time as it models the original works of many great experts on RAD who promote recreating the trust cycle through deprivation which allows the child to become totally dependent on others, while removing control issue.
Evergreen is good too. After all, those are the "forefathers (and
mothers!)" of attachment disorder treatment. I think treatment places like
Evergreen are excellent to get someone educated and started on the
treatment of RAD but they are short lived, usually only two weeks in
length, so the family must then have a trained RAD therapist in place to
help them through the rest of the process, which Evergreen will help set
up. But the two weeks alone is only to jump start the process, not rectify
it. Treatment at places like Paint Rock usually take 10-14 months, so
there is less burden on the family (but greater cost). Some attachment
experts suggest a child will need 2 months of intense therapy for every
year of age.
I do filial therapy with all RAD cases. I won't take on a client that
won't agree to this type of therapy. I would highly recommend you try it
if you have the emotional, physical, psychological, strength to make
changes on your own with therapeutic assistance. And it sounds like you have the right spirit to try it. If a family does not, I do not recommend going this route as it takes great energy and balance.
About adding more children -- if you haven't already done so, visit Nancy
Thomas' website. I have no idea how many children she has taken on to help either through consulting, adoption, or foster care, but I know it is in the hundreds. You need to set your own limits on this. I have some
families that can't handle one child with RAD and I have one family I am
working with right now with nine children with RAD. You need to ask
yourself where your limits and capabilities are, and know that if you
decide to take in more children you have some hard, but rewarding work in front of you.
Good luck and Happy Holidays.
Dr. Catherine Swanson Cain, Ph.D., LMFT
How effective are voucher systems and point systems for kids with RAD?
Our current therapist, who I don't think is trained in treatment for RAD, has suggested that it is time for us to try this, as our daughter ( 12 yrs, and with us for 6 yrs) does seem motivated by rewards. Just wanted your thoughts.
Typically reward systems don't work well for children with RAD because they function from a base state of shame. They will sabotage any successes in order to stay in that shame base because it is comfortable. Yet, if rewards work for your daughter, by all means, use them.
Dr. Catherine Swanson Cain, Ph.D., LMFT
I am dating a teenage girl with RAD. She is 18 yrs old. She was never
diagnosed with RAD, but I am convinced that she does have it. I've done
the research and she has all the signs and symptoms. We've broken up a
couple times and right after, the pain she experiences is overwhelming for
her and she begins to hate me and want me dead, stuff like that. Then we get
back together and she's fine. Well this time she's let me back in but the
attitude is worse, the drug and alcohol abuse is worse, and she fights me
on everything and makes it extremely hard to help. She pushes me away and
doesn't let me love her at all anymore. I'm just wondering what I should do
when she rebels against me, and gives me a hard time? I know she does it
to push me away, to protect herself, but I don't know how to handle it. What
should I say, and how should I react when she does something inappropriate?
Thank you, and I appreciate your help very much.
You really need to ask yourself if this is the type of relationship you want
to continue being in because your girlfriend's off-again, on-again behavior will most likely continue unless she decides to get help. There is really nothing you can do to make her change except convince her to see a counselor that specializes in attachment disorders. I wish you luck.
Dr. Catherine Cain, Ph.D., LMFT
If a child was misdiagnosed with everything from ADD to Bipolar and is now
an adult living with RAD, is having a child a fatal combination?
I am not sure if you meant as an adult you have RAD or that you raised a child with RAD to adulthood. Either way, no, it doesn't have to be a fatal combination. I have worked with adults with RAD who have recovered. It is much harder and takes more time, but with the proper counseling, it can be done. An adult with RAD raising a child can be problematic but there are so many factors in whether or not the child is affected such as the child's personality, social support, or available resources.
Dr. Catherine Swanson Cain, Ph.D., LMFT
I have a son who is eight years old. He has ADHD and Bipolar. My husband and I adopted him when he was 6 months old. We tried without meds and now he is on meds. We are having problems in school. He is hitting kids, and he has been suspended from school 3 times in the past week. I need help and
information on how to cope, and maybe you can tell me if you know someone I can see or talk to in Santa Maria California. Please help!
Go to Nancy Thomas' website. She has a listing of therapists who specialize in RAD and you may be able to find one in your area. If you cannot find someone in your area, look for a Licensed Marital and Family Therapist (LMFT) as they typically work with children and families. I also work with families on RAD issues long distance via webcam, email or online forum. You can access my services at www.letstalkcounseling.com. Above all, educate yourself on how to work with these types of behavior. Nancy Thomas' book 'When Love Is Not Enough' is an excellent start. Good luck!
Dr. Catherine Swanson Cain, Ph.D., LMFT
I have a 19 year old daughter that I legally adopted when she was 7. She was
my husband's biological and he raised her as a single father from 9 months.
Without going into too many details, we had her in counseling for years off and on. Shortly the therapist would say she was fine and release her. I started
blaming myself, believing that it was my fault and that I was a horrible parent, yet I tried so hard. All I ever wanted to be was a mother, but I felt guilty and thought I was causing her to be this way. When she got pregnant at 17, I felt like I was going insane and I started seeing a psychiatrist. No one ever diagnosed my daughter with RAD until I went to a psychiatrist and he hit the nail on the head and said she had RAD. I went home and immediately and looked it up on the internet only to see that the diagnosis fit her to the T! On one website she had 40 out of 47 symptoms of RAD. I was so angry that NO ONE ever diagnosed her with this! I was angry because at this point she was 18 with a baby and out of our life. I have been through more hurt since she left then the 11 years I've raised her because of the way she has rejected me, said horrible things to me, and lied. I love her so much, but now that she is on her own, is there any hope to her getting better? Is there ANYTHING I can do to help other then pray? I could write a book for over the last 11 years of techniques we tried and behavior issues that we went through. I have never felt so hurt and rejected. It was hard raising her, and I would get so angry and lose my temper because
I did not understand. I tried every advice in the book! I desprately want to have a relationship with my daugher and despite everything I love her more then life itself. I am so broken! Is there ANYTHING that can be done? I welcome any advice. Thank you!
As you are finding, living life with someone with RAD is often painful and confusing. Just know that others, and I, feel your pain. It is not uncommon that your daughter was misdiagnosed. MOST of the individuals I see with RAD are misdiagnosed. RAD was not even identified until 1994 when it was added to the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual (the Bible that experts use to determine a diagnosis). When I first started researching RAD in the early 1990s, there were only a couple of articles about it. Even today most professionals don't recognize it.
Is there hope for your daughter? Yes. Always. But she is going to have to want to get help and she will need to find someone who understands and treats RAD in adulthood. She is also at an age when I don't see much progress, particularly in someone consumed with caring for an infant. The best thing you can do for yourself is to educate yourself on RAD. There are several good support groups on the web for those dealing with RAD in adulthood and you might want to visit them for support. Most often adults with RAD are diagnosed with some other diagnosis like Bipolar Disorder or Borderline Personality Disorder. You might want to look into those areas as well. Good luck to you.
Dr. Catherine Swanson Cain, Ph.D., LMFT
We are now in the process of court hearings to regain custody of our 12-year old Russian/Adopted/ADHD/ODD/RAD son. He has been in counseling for 6 years and on April 17, he told his psychologist that we were going to kill him. She then turned us in to law enforcement and social services because she believed him. At the same time, our two biological children were taken away from us and put into a Safe-Home for two nights. Through the aide of an attorney, they were released to us. We have a tentative trial date for August and we are concerned that we will lose, despite articles that we have secured regarding RAD. In essence, both the counselor and Social Services believe that he is telling the truth and are completely unaware of the "Crazy Lying" in RAD children. Any thoughts?
I am involved in a lot of court cases and I know from experience that your best defense is knowledge, expert witnesses, and believable witnesses. It would be worth it for you to hire an expert witness who specializes in the treatment of RAD. I find that DCS and those not living with RAD on a day-to-day basis do not understand how deceptive some of these children with RAD can be and how lying -- not just innocent lying like another child might do, but complex, calculated, destructive lying -- is one of the major symptoms of RAD. I work with families who are torn apart, like your family has been, on a daily basis, and mostly it is because DCS and the judicial system are uninformed about RAD. I have actually offered free workshops to DCS and the judicial system, along with school systems in my area, and have been turned down. My heart goes out to you, but if I were you, I would do three things:
1. Find an expert witness. It might cost you from anywhere between $500-$2000 but it is worth it. Find an expert in your area from Nancy Thomas' website. She has them listed by region. You can just type her name into a major search engine and you will find her site. Or if your own therapist is knowledgeable enough, you might want to use him or her.
2. Educate your attorney on RAD. Take excerpts from works by Foster Cline, Terry Levy, Nancy Thomas, Daniel Hughes, my own book, etc. Give your attorney the abbreviated versions these authors have written about the symptom of lying in children with RAD.
3. Find creditable witnesses who have witnessed your child lying, if you can. I know this is sometimes hard as no one sees the lying except the family, but if you have someone that can give first hand knowledge of your child's lies, it would be worth the effort. Maybe a neighbor? Teacher? Relative?
I hope this helps and good luck to you. I hope you will come back to The Little Prince website and let us know what happened.
Dr. Catherine Swanson Cain, Ph.D., LMFT
My 11 year old is from the foster care system. She had RAD, PTSD, and ADD. He was placed with us at 5 1/2 years old. I've noticed a RAD behavior from the beginning of her joining our family 6 years ago, ( she over uses stuff.. soap, glue, shampoo, toilet paper etc) However, recently it has escalated. At school the teacher bought some books and invited the children to take a book to read. I found 15 in her backpack. Also found in her backpack 21 sheets of paper that she had written "Happy Mothers Day" across the top of, nothing else on the paper, no drawings or writing etc. What could be driving this behavior? It is annoying to me, but mostly it concerns me that she has some need that isn't being met.
I often see the type of behavior you described in your daughter in children who experienced neglect, and in those cases the behavior typically stems from left over memories of having a need not met, whether that need was physical, such as with food, or emotional, such
as not even love. Even when all the needs are currently met, the
child's brain retains the memory of the need and tries to compensate for it. Often, as is the case of your daughter, what that need is isn't known. Your daughter most likely doesn't even know what it is. These types of behavior can linger on for years, as you are finding out. I have had the best luck with taking a cognitive behavioral approach, explaining to the child where the excessive use of materials comes from and why. I then teach the child what is an appropriate amount of glue, soap, toilet paper, etc. to use and then have the child practice using the set amount. If that does not work you can tack on a reward and negative consequence for not adhering to the agreed amount of material she is using. Of course it is difficult to do this for every single situation (e.g., the 15 Mother's Day papers in her backpack) but it will help correct some of the problem.
Dr. Catherine Swanson Cain
My 15 year old, who never gets sick, said he didn't feel well around 8 pm.
He crept into the walk in closet with a big quilt. He spent the next 1 1/2
hours dragging his quilt and going under the bed, dining room table, my bed,
his bed, and couch...until he fell asleep in my bed. I didn't know what to
do, so I followed him around, which seemed to annoy him. Finally I went to
bed. Was he having a flashback?
It could be that your son had a flashback but more than likely he really didn't feel good, was looking for solitude and comfort, and was having a hard time finding them so he regressed back to a more child-like state. If he did have a flashback that traumatized him, things to look for would be changes in sleeping patterns (can't get to sleep, stay asleep, night terrors, waking up early, or sleep too much) or changes in eating patterns (hoarding, stuffing, refusing to eat, or eating too much). You might also see a change in personality, such as becoming more aggressive, angry, or subdued. If no symptoms develop, I would take him for his word that he simply did not feel good and was having a bad night.
Dr. Catherine Swanson Cain
How do I know if I have RAD? I was a child of a bipolar mother, and beaten
and slaved on a farm and sexually abused/alienated by my father. At the
beginning of my life I was given to my aunt, and then adopted out at age 16.
I don't know if I can fall in love.
I have worked with many individuals who have suffered extreme abuse that do not have RAD, and many that do. It is not what you suffered but how you overcame what you were delivered. It would take a specialist to determine whether you have RAD or not after doing a detailed assessment so I cannot tell you whether you have RAD or not.
Dr. Catherine Swanson Cain, Ph.D., LMFT
We are adopting a 4 year old girl diagnosed with RAD. We want to be ready to
start the healing. What should we do? I know that she is currently showing
the following signs (Superficially Charming, Crazy Lying, Controlling, and
Pushing). She has not been pushing for 4 months. Her Grandmother was
Bipolar, but not her biological mother. She has been in foster care since
she was 5 month, and has had several changes in placement. This was because of supervision issues, and because they were physically punishing her. Then they gave her back because she was very controlling, not bonding, and pushing the little 2 year old boy whom was very attached to the mother. Can you please help?
Congratulations on your adoption. If you are not well read on RAD, begin there. I highly recommend Nancy Thomas' work for adoptive and foster parents because it is so practical. A must-read book is her 'When Love Is Not Enough.' My own book 'Attachment Disorders: Treatment Strategies for Traumatized Children' will give you a comprehensive understanding of how attachments are formed and what behaviors are critical in both the parents and the child.Other great authors are Daniel Hughes, Foster Cline, and Terry Levy.
If your daughter has not formed a healthy attention you will most likely need attachment therapy which would include holding therapy. This would have to be supervised by an attachment expert. Be careful in choosing a therapist as I am seeing more and more so-called attachment experts surfacing that are not what they claim to be. Nancy Thomas has a list of proven therapists across the nation on her website.The two most important factors in your home are consistency and routine. These two strategies are the base for any type of therapy. It would also benefit you to join a support group, either online or in person as you will need plenty of support. Good luck to you.
Dr. Catherine Swanson Cain, Ph.D., LMFT
I know someone who adopted a little girl about 6 years old at the time.
She has an injury and has accused the mom. The mom has been formally
charged with assault causing bodily harm. The child has had a documented
history of self abuse (causing injury, that was not disclosed at the time of
adoption). This mom is a very loving devoted mother who also has 2 birth
children. She also works with students with severe behaviors for a living.
Her family and extended family have been torn apart and turned upside down.
Her husband left, and knows she did not do it but can't handle the pain of
the situation. I have 2 questions. First, what is the prevalence of
children with RAD making false accusations? Second, what can I do to help?
Her lawyer says that if she seeks counseling anything she says can be
twisted and used in court. The social worker in the case has already done
a really bizarre job of doing that (twisting things) to the point where the
documented injuries were changed to match the girl's story. I know that
doesn't make a whole lot of sense but it's a complicated case. My friend
is terrified, ripped apart and no one is helping except the lawyer.
In severe cases of RAD where the child has symptoms of attention seeking behavior, a lack of conscience, and the love of drama, I see issues of lying and making false accusations in more cases than not. As far as counseling goes, if your friend seeks out a good counselor, disclosure of what she says is not supposed to be an issue. HIPPA law suggests that counselors not put anything in writing in the client file that might harm a client. If a counselor is subpoenaed to court by an attorney he or she is supposed to still not disclose information and plead client-counselor confidentiality rules. The counselor is supposed to not disclose anything unless the judge orders him or her to and then the counselor is supposed to plead to the judge to be released from that subpoena. I am sure your friend appreciates just having someone to talk to and the support you offer. That is probably the greatest gift you can give her. Good luck.
Dr. Catherine Swanson Cain, Ph.D., LMFT
