Coming Home
October 2010
(TLP was Hospitalized In-patient for Two Weeks...
and he is currently in a Partial Hospitalization Program.)
Update...
IP: 98.243.191.138
Posted on the TLP Message Board on October 29, 2010 at 08:23:59 AM by Suz
We had a good night last night. Quiet and calm, but he knows that he will be answering to hospital staff everyday, so I'm not going to put much stock in what I am seeing/hearing right now. The real test will be after they have totally discharged him from the program.
I am well aware that there is a lack of trust there now, meaning... he is really going to have to work hard to prove some things to me again... for a very long time. Anyone can be good for a day... a week... or even a month... but some serious things have happened over here and I feel bad saying it, but I don't trust him right now. It makes me feel sad, but I don't. So only time will tell where we go from here... and I'm going to keep an open mind... but the trust is gone.
The hospital changed his diagnosis's again. Why not?
They have added...
BIPOLAR 1 Disorder, Mixed, Severe w/ Psychosis
and
PDD (Pervasive Developmental Disorder)
along with the other diagnosis's of Mild Mental Retardation, ADHD, PTSD, Tourette Syndrome, and Epidermal Nevus Sydrome.
I remember when he was 8 years old, the old psychiatrist had diagnosed him with PDD and Bipolar, but that was changed with this new psychiatrist. I guess he's changed his mind again.
I don't put a lot of stock in DIAGNOSIS's anymore. They appear to change month to month, depending on who is doing the testing and diagnosis. Me, I think that he has MMR, Severe PTSD/FEARS/PANIC ATTACKS and RAD issues that continue to come and go. Sometimes I just believe that the control issues become really strong when the old scary memories (triggers) kick back up... and then he becomes frightened and angry with her (birthmom)... although he takes it out on me because I happen to be HIS MOM.
I also believe that he’s understandably angry and sad about the BRAIN's report that came after that most recent testing, and about their predictions for his future. I still tell him to work hard to PROVE THEM WRONG!!!!!!!!!! The thing is, I'm not sure that he can, and I believe that he is always going to need someone available to help him in his daily living. He just can't accept that right now and he is furious with anyone who tells him differently... mostly me and his therapist. Yet, I'm still going to keep encouraging him to prove everyone wrong. I've seen him keep himself together for long stretches of time, and this past year... he has just declared war on all of us. He's grieving, I think. Grieving the results of that testing, and a future that is probably going to look different than he had planned for himself. So sad. Yet, I will not live with threats and violence again, so I hope that he's gotten that message.
One More Thing....
IP: 98.243.191.138
Posted on October 29, 2010 at 09:05:33 AM by Suz
I think I mentioned that I had put myself back in therapy, This kid was really declaring war on me over here, and I was quickly falling. I have decided to keep myself in weekly therapy for at least a few more months, because I need to make sure that I stay okay over here. If someone had ever told me years ago that I would have a therapist, I never would have believed them. But I do have one now and I am extremely grateful to this therapist for helping me figure out what is what with my current emotions. These kids will sometimes declare a war on us, and they will find our weaknesses, and then they know how to keep pushing and pushing our buttons until we get weak enough to fall. Please be careful as your children continue to push YOUR buttons. Please don't be afraid to seek out a therapist for yourself. Sometimes we need someone else to help reassure us that this is NOT us. lol Especially when outsiders are seldom witness to the intense behavior and threats and control games that are going on in the home. And we cannot stay strong enough to parent these special kids, when we are dangling somewhere over the edge between sanity and insanity. When in doubt... always find yourself a good therapist who gets it. I don't think you'll be sorry at all. Mine has assured me that I have good reason to be concerned about what has been happening here, and that in itself is worth the time and money of going to a therapist. So, apparently I am a little more sane than I thought I was. I just haven't FELT all that sane as of late. Arrgghhhh!!!!
Pacing....
IP: 98.243.191.138
Posted on November 1, 2010 at 11:02:07 PM by Suz
Okay.... so I just realized that I have been over here pacing back and forth through my house tonight. lol See... I can laugh at myself sometimes. But I AM definitely pacing. I just put some Peace and Calming oil on myself, and now I have the headphones on with music pumping into my brain. I don't know why, but music has proven to be a nice calm focus for me these past few months and I have been attempting to lose myself in it when I am stressed to the max.
Truth be told... I think I really am experiencing some PTSD stuff myself... from having to live in all of the craziness that this past year has brought to us. The hospital sent him back home to live with us, so I must have looked and sounded relatively sane to them... but tonight... as I pace back and forth... I'm wondering if I am possibly not qualified to care for my son anymore during crisis situations.... because it appears to be triggering me. Just trying to be honest over here. I started to hear it happening tonight, and I could feel myself trying NOT to go into panic mode. Also, they changed the times of a couple of his meds today... and I could feel a lack of concentration as I tried to make the changes in his weekly med container. When he came home, they had changed some of the dosages (which changes the colors of the meds I once had memorized) and some have to be cut... and then today they are changing the times of two of them and I just wanted to sit down and cry as I tried to figure out which pills were which and had to keep looking at the meds in the bottle to figure out what was what. So what's with that????? Starting to doubt whether my head is on straight enough to care for him just yet. I guess I'm going to need to do some more thinking over here... about what is best for all of us. The hospital always focuses on the patients mental health and well being... but they don't pay any attention to the caregivers mental health and well being. I think if they had given me a psychological test last week, I actually might have failed it. lol Maybe I'm just being dramatic... but as I continue to pace... maybe not.
I'm just trying to be honest and upfront with everyone here. After all, that's why we are all here together, right????? To say it like it is... so that none of us feel as if we are totally alone in our thoughts and feelings. Tonight, if only just for a moment... I don't feel okay. Sooooooooo sad and scary. But if I say that I can't do it right now (bring him back home full time).... they're going to charge me with neglect (because I am his guardian)... and what a CRIME that is to be threatened by a hospital staff member, after everything that we've been through these past 15 years. : (
Just venting... just speaking from the heart tonight... that's all...
Nov 8, 2010
TLP was released from the Partial Hospitalization Program today. He looks good... and I feel sane again. lol We spent a lot of time talking yesterday and he has admitted that although he was scared and struggling... there were a lot of things going on over here that he COULD HAVE controlled if he had chosen to control them. So... I guess we are going to try to take life one day at a time again... and she how things go. Except, this time... TLP has a caseworker who will be calling and stopping over here to check on how things are going in the home, in addition to weekly therapy (for both of us) and also the psychiatrist. So, we have lots of good support in place, and we are back to moving forward again. Wherever FORWARD happens to be taking all of us?
