Dear RAD Parents,
We aren't finished with this fight yet.... but our child is back home and I am soooooooooooo nervous.... yet happy to have him back here with us once again. I love him more than words could ever even begin to express..... bad behaviors and all. But it wasn't always that way. Love... trust... and relationships take time with everyone.... but they take a lot more time with people who have been extremely hurt when they were young. Remember.... WHY should your child trust you when he has never been able to trust anyone else in his entire life?
You have quite a challenge ahead of you. You not only have to gain his love and trust.... but you also have to wade through the mess that someone else has caused... just to get to the point of trusting. When you get there.... LOVE comes next.
PLEASE do not give up on your child. Your child needs you. Just get some breaks (only with people you personally know and trust)... take really good care of yourself FIRST... find a way to stay connected with your spouse... and other children.... and smile at your child a lot.
HUG him 18 times a day (even if he/she wipes feces on you and tries to push you away.)
YUCK !!!!
.... and try to replace as many of those BAD memories with good... happy... fun... loving memories. There will be many ups and downs... and life may not ever be the perfect picture of what you once thought your family might be... but it CAN get much better.
We're going to make it over here. I know it... and I feel it in my heart. YOU can make it too. Find your soft.... loving.... encouraging voice.... and use it every day. And if you screw up.... and get angry once or twice... that just means that you're only HUMAN. Remember that we all screw up.... and we can all apologize for our mistakes.... HUG our kids and move on. Every day is a new day. Accept your screw ups... dust yourself off.... take a short vacation without the child... and get back home to try again. If you need to send the child away for a time to recuperate.... DO IT. Your child will survive and you will be better able to help him when you are better rested.
Always HOLD your child (safely but firmly) and keep him safe when he needs it. DO not hurt the child.... but hold him tight and remind him WHO YOU ARE.... and that YOU ARE NOT hurting him... just trying to keep him safe.
Gently hold him accountable for poor behavior, as you remind him that he is loved deeply... that he didn't deserve to EVER be hurt by anyone... and that you know in your heart that he is good... and loveable.... and worth all of the pain that it's going to take to help him become the happy and healthy person that he's always deserved to be.
PLAY with this child. Play hide and go seek.... tag.... blow bubbles and pop them... etc. Have FUN FUN FUN with this child.... but NEVER let him hurt you or others. Always hold him and keep him safe during those times.
If we can do this..... I'd like to believe that YOU can do this too. We're not all that amazing. We're just normal people... like you.... and this is just such a HARD job...
but I don't believe that HAPPILY EVER AFTER only happens in fairy tales.
If you pray..... PRAY. Every day. If you're not sure that you believe in prayer.... it can't hurt to pray anyway.... just in case.
It might just take 10 years or more.... and you'll be so stinkin' tired.... and sometimes really really scared....
but one day.... when you look into your child's eyes and see them shining right back at you....
Oh My........ I promise you that it will be worth every one of those grey hairs that you've earned in getting there... and it'll give you the HOPE and COURAGE that you need to keep on keeping on.
Please hang around the TLP site.... and be sure to introduce yourself on the Message Board.
I hope to come back very soon to write our HAPPILY EVER AFTER ending. Or..... maybe it'll just turn out to be a MUCH HAPPIER THAN WE ONCE WERE ending. But as far as my son is concerned.... that would still turn out to be a MUCH HAPPIER ENDING than he would have had without us over here routing for him.
