Don't Give Up!
by NY Tracy (BELLA)
We are ALL stressed out. We ALL feel like it’s a personal attack. But it’s NOT. In fact, it’s highly IMPERSONAL, and very SELFISH on their part.
I once read an analogy of RAD that moved me to tears:
Once there was a loving child who lived on a frozen lake. One day as they were playing on that lake, they slipped and fell thru the ice! They screamed and kicked but their family didn't hear them. They clawed their way out of the frozen water and dragged themselves to the nearest shoreline. They now can see their warm, loving home across the ice. But in order to get to it, they must step out. Step out in faith onto that dangerous ice. They remain on the shore, fear keeping them away. They’re hungry, cold, and now in survival mode.
Eventually a person who loves them comes to find them. Only they cannot drag this child across the ice. They refuse to believe them-that the ice is safe. No matter how hard they try, the child remains across the lake.
The lake in this story is love. It is dangerous. It will hurt you. Never trust it. Never step out in faith onto it, no matter who tells you to.
The sad part is that so many of our kids HAVE stepped out in faith only to fall thru the ice MULTIPLE times! And unfortunately, thinking we are doing the right thing, we lie to kids to get them to trust. "It wont hurt". (yes it will) "Love is good" (not when it devastates the soul). "I will never hurt you" (unless I get overwhelmed & can't handle you) The FEAR of us hurting them is as real to them (yelling is a HIGH trigger) as actually doing it to them.
We need to learn how to have a servant heart. Kind of like if you were a missionary in a war ridden land. Poverty, strife, famine, neglect, abuse, all present. Well, hello! Just cause your kids are wearing Nike sneakers doesn't exempt them from coming from a war zone! And if we can muster up as much compassion for these children as we do for the North Shore Animal League abused cats & dogs, then we are LIMITLESS in our ability to help them!
OK, so you wanted the "DREAM". You know- that child that was at least somewhat compliant. Who could have a somewhat normal life. Who didn't expose you to lawsuits and CPS on a regular basis. Heck! Just having a child was a dream! You even had to give up on one that looked like you. A little soul to pour your FULL heart into! To dream with. To plan for. OK. So we DID NOT plan on alarms for the bedroom doors. Or daily urination clean-up. (MY NEW SHOES!) Hiding our jewelry, our purses, our car keys! We cannot even fathom how their minds work. (ICE POPS IN THE SHOWER?!) (100 pieces of candy under your bed eaten in ONE NIGHT?! Why aren't you throwing up?! You did WHAT to the cat? OK, Where is Mommy's laptop/pda/phone? Who pee' d in my bed? Why are ALL the clothes from your dresser wet & under your bed? Gee- if I'd known you liked laundry so much, I would have let you do it! HOW did you sneak the VCR up here without my knowledge?! "Honey-can you go back up on the roof?" There’s another "garbage" hole in your dear sons screen (throwing things away is NOT an option!) He'd rather throw it on the roof- down the toilet, stuff it into his pillow case. ) WE are ALL going to write a funny children's book one day! No-one will believe us- fine! The kids will LOVE this fantasy life!
OK-so I NEVER ask a question that I don't know the answer to. The ONLY way I can get through my day is with humor (ya don't say) & to say "Wow, I can't IMAGINE what it must feel like inside their mind. How scared, how twisted, how alone & frightened they are." Their need to control is amazing. Right down to the Jibber-jabbering! My favorite conversation to my dear prince (9yrs old) after school is "So, who was the easiest one to con today?" And yes, he finally answers. His lies are not lies. Often they are "WISHES. “ I wish I was dry. I wish I had character. The only answer is "I know you wish that were true, but its not. Lets try again?" And each day I tenderly look him in his face and tear up and say "Aren't you BLESSED that God put you in our family forever? Because I will never let you con me. In any other home, you would only get worse. Here, you are getting better!" Then I kiss him. And I mean it. He is NOT here by accident. I SAVED him from sure death, and my daughter from being a sex toy for the REST of her life. I didn't save her in time, but she's healing. And if I can KEEP speaking LIFE into them, not MY insecurities and not MY FEAR (which destroys them!!!) Then we will be FINE!
Why won't WE do what we ask our kids to do? "Suck it up" "Deal with it" "You don't have to like it, you just have to do it" "Stop crying" "Can you think about others for once in your life?" Ha! Yup, we're weenies too. My doctor told me that I am my son's frontal lobe (reasoning.) As long as I yell, he cannot trust me to be his conscience. To take down the "sails " of my ship. My children are always going top storm, but my storming back only feeds them and coming at them with my sails UP , I loose. Hey control me. Put your sails down, they can't blow into you. They're just trying to control by overwhelming you. It’s working. (kind of like talking about your marriage in the 3rd person- not personal this isn't either) A person with ADHD reasons the same as a person 2/3 their age. Fathom that! Then stop treating them their age. They're not.
Hang onto the times when-yea- they're conning you but boy! They're bringing you a cup of tea! Nurture that! Find that "Thing" they do that makes you proud (with my boy, he is my cooking helper) and only beam at him, EVEN when he breaks you favorite bowls! Ya know you needed new bowls!
Contact the Mental Health Service near you and ask them what your children qualify for! There are TONS of things you can be getting help with! When money is tight- it just feels worse when they break your stuff! They pay for part of counseling even for some disabilities. You may even qualify for SSI checks to cushion the expense of ALL those Dr. co- pays! And camps- etc...find someone who's done it, stop feeling guilty for helping your (gulp-dare I say it!) "Mentally sick child!" You wouldn't get mad at them if they had diabetes. Now stop. Yea- sucks to be you. But sucks worse to be them. They're NOT getting what they want all day, believe me! It only looks like it. They WANT your SHAME & GUILT yelled onto/into them because A) it fuels them & B) They feel that's all they deserve. So STOP the cycle. It's NOT what they deserve. Stop letting them play you. Smile & say "Oh really?!" Or better yet, say "PUT your hand over your mouth" (that one KILLS them here), and our mini-tramp gets the work out of a life time! Anger has DIMINSHED greatly! You CANNOT stay angry while chewing a caramel (sugar rush, very similar to mother milk (trigger) plus it unclenches the jaw) and jumping for fun! My Husband thought I was nuts! Half the time I want to throw HIM onto it! LOL
PROTECT your pets. My kids are NOT ALLOWED TO TOUCH THE ANIMALS. My little prince had to first keep a plant alive for 6 months, then a fish, then a few more fish.
DO NOT give them FOOD jobs! It will IMPOWER them! As much as you want them to become "normal", grown, responsible kids, making their own breakfast & lunch, as soon as they see themselves doing this, they DON"T see a NEED for you anymore. THATS ALL YOU DO FOR THEM IN THEIR MINDS.
And- OK, not EVERYONE prescribes to spiritual stuff, but I am going to put it out there.
When I took these kids on, SIMPLY PUT, I STOLE them from Satan. Why am I surprised at being attacked and having warfare? Ha! Anyone who knows scripture knows that the more Satan rages, it's because these children are anointed! And bound to do AWESOME things for God! It ticks him off and he comes after us. So, laugh, say "yea- you lost. You have no authority here" & realize you're on the WINNING team (though it doesn't feel that way often!)
Put Praise on in your home AT ALL TIMES. God actually INHABITS the praise of His people. Something about the praise music (gratitude perhaps?) brings a different spirit to this house. And I teach them to PAUSE. "What does the bible say about that? Even people who don't believe in God think this is wrong."
If I can get them to PAUSE before doing, even for 1 second, it will STOP their Impulsive/Compulsive behavior. What better way than with Morality?
Remember- you are their BEST mommy, for now. We say "AWWW". They think, "for now". awww.
It's OK if you are not the same as before. You are being molded for GREAT things! God looked around this entire earth for a STRONG woman. A Tender Hearted woman. A KIND soul. A tough Spirit, and found you! "But I'm NOT those things! " YES YOU ARE! It's All inside! Growth hurts. Let it come out. You are ready.
Be blessed in ALL you do. May peace invade your home & may you find a place to just BREATHE.
In God I trust! HE does NOT make mistakes. My children are NOT mistakes. Adopting them is NOT a mistake. Don't listen to those who speak without wisdom. They will ask you to give up on your kids. DON'T. It's your sacrifice that will save them. Your life hasn't been put on hold, only your dreams!
