Flashbacks...
We had a rough night over here last night. It wasn't a BAD night... and it wasn't anything about a child being manipulative... or naughty...
this was all about a little boy who has been severely hurt in the past...
a little boy who woke up SCREAMING from his sleep...
who was THRASHING around on his bedroom floor...
fighting off all of his abusers.
We wrapped our arms around him and tried to hold him and keep him safe, as he thrashed and thrashed and fought to get away from us.
Tonight was really intense, and we couldn’t seem to keep him with us for more than a few minutes at a time. Every time I thought he had come back to us... he was quickly slipping away again. Going away to another place and time... with so many different people... mean people... angry people... disturbed people... people who were hurting him over and over again. No matter how hard we tried to make them stop... they just wouldn't stop. We couldn't make them stop hurting him. So we just laid with him on his bedroom floor and held him tight... trying to keep him safe until the pain stopped.
TLP still continued to relive that pain... over and over and over again... for a very long time.
He doesn't remember who most of those people are. They're just PEOPLE. People who were doing some very horrible things to his body. Very cruel people... who for some strange reason... thought it was okay to hurt a little boy.
I tried to ease my mind and TLP's... by assuming that these people must have been very hurt by someone as a young child too. That these people didn't know any better... or maybe they were just so disturbed that they didn't even know that they had hurt him.
But that doesn't STOP the pain for children like TLP. That doesn't make the abuse stop.
My entire family was on the floor in TLP's bedroom last night as we held him very close... spoke softly into his ear... and a few times I even panicked with him and cried... as we all tried to remind him where he was... who he was... and that he was safe now. M tried to get him to look around his room and see his new baby anoles... but he couldn't see them. I tried to get him to look at his daddy... and his brother, M... but he couldn't see them. I got up right in his face and tried to look into his eyes... make him see me... but he couldn't see me.
His eyes were darting back and forth... he was fighting to get away from us... and all we could do was hold him very close... and talk to him very calmly... and reassure him that we were with him now... that the abuser was gone... and that we would NEVER let anyone hurt him like that again.
He wasn't listening to us though. He was panicking... panicking because as much as we tried to reassure him... and calm him... the abusers just kept coming back... again and again... to hurt him all over again.
I felt so sick last night. So sick that I thought I might vomit. So sick... that for a moment... I wanted to go find these people and kill them for what they've done to my son. So sick... that I made M run to the telephone and call THE KING (our attachment therapist) at his home. I needed someone to reassure me that we were going to be okay... that we were going to get through this. I was so scared!
We started counting with TLP... just to make sure that he was still with us.
"Look around the room, TLP... where are you... what do you see... who are you with?????"
TLP started to play the game with us...
He told us he could see the ceiling fan. Then he started to panic again... so we we explained the rules again. He wanted to stay here with us... I could tell that he did... but something/someone kept pulling back away from us again."
"Five things, TLP. Look around your room... and tell me five things that you see."
No response. Eyes darting back and forth. His body struggling to get away.
"What do you see????? WHO do you see?????"
I put my face up close and held his face towards mine.
"It's Mommy, TLP. You're here with Mommy. See… it’s Mommy Suz… and I’m here with you. We’re all here with you. We’re all trying to keep you safe."
Panic set in as TLP became hysterical. "Oh My God, you're hurting yourself,” he screamed. “You stabbed yourself! You stabbed yourself in the arm! You’re BLEEDING… What are you doing?????"
"I'm not hurting myself, TLP. I'm not bleeding. I’m safe... and so are you. I'm here! Daddy's here too... and so is M... and D! We're all here with you, Baby! Nobody is hurting you tonight! All of the bad people are gone now! You are with the people who love you now. The people who love you and are trying really hard to help keep you safe."
"What do you see TLP?," his dad asked him again. "Look around the room... tell me five things in the room that you see."
“You’re in your bedroom, TLP,” M said in a soothing voice. “Look… there’s Larry… and Laura… and Luis. You’re in the bedroom with your Anoles. You’re safe. DO you see them? Do you see your Anoles?”
TLP stopped thrashing… and looked over towards his Anoles with a very confused and disoriented look.
“Tell me something else that you see, TLP,” his dad said. “Look around…. Do you see the fan?”
“Yes… I see the fan,” TLP said as his eyes quickly darted around the room.
“What else do you see, Bud,” M asked TLP. “Do you see your bed?”
TLP looked around his room and nodded. “Yes, I see my bed.
“TLP… Mommy is here with you. Do you see your Mommy,” I asked him as I could feel my heart still pounding inside my chest.
“Yes… I see Mommy,” TLP said quietly.
“That’s three, TLP,” said his daddy. “You need to see two more things. Look around your room and tell me what you see.”
“I see Daddy… and M,” TLP said as his eyes continued to search back and forth around the room.
“Okay, that’s FIVE things that you see, Bud. Now… tell us FIVE things that you hear,” said his brother, M.
TLP listened closely, and began to name off everything that he could hear. “I hear the furnace… I hear the ceiling fan…. and the clock… and I hear M clearing his throat.”
“That’s only four, TLP,” said his dad. “You need to hear one more thing. Listen closely, and tell me what you hear.”
“I hear you talking,” TLP said quietly. “I hear daddy talking to me.”
“Yes, you do hear your daddy talking,” I said feeling somewhat relieved that he was coming back to us again. “You hear your daddy talking because he’s right here with you… in your bedroom… with mommy… and D… and M. We’re all here with you in your bedroom in your NEW home… and you are VERY SAFE.”
“Five things that you feel, TLP,” his sister D interrupted. “Tell me five things that you feel.”
TLP started to panic. “I feel… I feel… I feel SCARED!!!!!!!”
I could see that we were starting to lose him again, as his eyes began to quickly dart back and forth around the room.
“TLP,” I said as quickly as possible. “You don’t have to be afraid anymore. You’re safe. You’re here in your bedroom with your Mommy, and your Daddy, and with D, and M. TLP… do you feel your feet touching the floor?”
TLP looked as if he were about to panic again. “TLP… your feet,” I said tapping them with my hand. “Do you feel them touching the floor?”
“Yes,” he said. “I feel my feet touching the floor.
“Do you feel your elbow touching the bed,” D quickly asked him.
“Yes,” I feel my elbow on the bed,”
“Good,” his dad said smiling. “You can feel your feet touching the floor, and you can feel your elbow on the bed. Now… tell me three more things that you feel.”
TLP sat up on the bed and I could clearly see that he was straining really hard to feel something.
“I feel my back against the mattress.”
“Good,” said M. “What else do you feel?”
“I feel the fan blowing my hair.”
“Very Good,” I said. “One more, TLP… tell me one more thing that you feel.”
“I feel… I feel… I feel LOVE.”
We didn’t stop right there. We stayed right there in the room and started again. In fact, that particular night we all stayed right there with TLP until he was able to do this two more times without being afraid. When we were finished, we knew that he was back with us again. We knew that he felt safe. We knew that for now…. he was going to be okay, and that all of his abusers were finally gone. Everyone was so tired. TLP laid down on his bed and fell fast asleep. His dad went into the bathroom to take a shower… his brother, M, escaped upstairs to his bedroom… his sister, D, flopped down on the living room couch to watch television… and I turned on the computer and began writing, while the memory was still clear in my head, and I wrote and I wrote and I wrote… until the tears finally stopped. We were okay now. We were all going to be okay. TLP was fast asleep, the house was quiet again, and this family had successfully survived another intense storm.
My hope is that in sharing some of these experiences with all of you, that somehow… your lives might begin to make just a little more sense and that you will learn some effective tools to help get you through all of the storms that blow your way.
God bless us all… for all that we do for our children!
Even though the rest of the world may never truly understand…
there is much comfort in knowing that we still have each other…
and that we are not totally alone on this difficult journey.
HUG
-Suz
