When he was 8 months he arrived and stayed a little while. A physically rigid, whingy baby who wanted "up' then arched his back away from all contact. 'Oh Oh!" I thought, "something not right here." But I had no idea what.
11 months he's back, to stay. Didn't smile much, ate voraciously, demanded voraciously, whined and slept a lot. Would not take a risk with anything including trying out a new toy. Didn't know how to act in the world. Watched his sibling closely for clues. Smart for a then Developmentally Delayed baby. Whew! Tried to get through to him. Love will find a way. He wasn't up to love. Didn't seem to trust it. We knew why but still...
2 yrs old. Things are worse. Extreme oppositional behaviour. Would eat all day if we let him! Actually we did once and he ate so much he vomited! Not like other 2 yr olds. Charming to complete strangers, even calls them mum! I had parented enough babies, & children to be seriously worried. Called in help.
After 6 months finally an Attachment Therapist spent time with us and him. "Attachment Disorder & Oppositional Defiance Disorder" she said. Well at least we now knew what was wrong. Taught us holding. Difficult with also having a 3.5 yr old (with 'issues') and a newborn. We persevered. It worked but never for long.
3yrs old. Moved house and city. Major backlash. Goes on and on for months and months. Too exhausted to do much holding. Too stressed. Major battles still with everything big (tiolet training, helping dress himself) and little (put your cup there, no not THERE there, THATS how it was with every request). It was his way or the highway. Screaming tantrums still an everyday' many times a day occurance. Food is a major issue. Trying to teach stranger danger. Still "loves" every stranger, and distrusts us his parents. Still food obssessed. But becoming creative. Dances and plays endless dress-ups. Loves glitter and applause. Great ball skills.
4 years old. Finally toilet trained and dressing himself a bit and complying to some things. Starting to learn stranger danger by rote. But can't distinguish friend from foe. Won't talk to ANYBODY (incl kids) he doesn't know. At least it keeps him safe. Wants to be a bellydancer after seeing one at a market day show. Does shows for us. His funny side is emerging. His talent for mimicry.
5 yrs old. Major control battles now that his language is becoming more sophisticated. Charming to his teacher at school, he's the favourite. She doesn't believe us that at home he is the opposite to school. "So kind to the other kids" she says. Not at home! Constant battles with older sibling, starting to fight with little one, a bit jealous. Needs constant attention. Any kind, good, bad or ugly. Food still a big issue.
6 yrs old. Doing great at school. same teacher. still favourite. Saves all his anger, pain and frustration for us and almost as soon as he's in from school all hell breaks loose. Still holding at times but no back up. Seen 2 different therapists whom he completely wrapped around his little finger. Getting very smart and more manipulative. Constant sibling fights, occasional times when they DO play and get on. But it seems like most days the house explodes, detonated by him. We are all exhausted by it. Still has his creative output. Does fabulous shows for us where he dresses up and mimes a song and dance. Can do any accent, and mimics people well. Can do an Academy Award winning performance in public, or in front of friends, of a poor abused child. Can scream on cue, cry, yelp from (apparent) pain. It's very impressive. Only WE know it is an act. He has real talent.
7 yrs old. New talent emerging - great soccer player! Bad loser, but improving. Control battles becoming more subtle at times. Ignores all requests he doesn't feel like doing, or lingers nonchalently until we are just about to explode then MAYBE does what he's been asked to do or something like it. Still major tantrums if sent to room, or grounded or disciplined in any way.It's the CONSTANT LITTLE control battles that wear us down, and the WORRY and the QUESTIONS. 'When are we going? Then what? Then what after that? What if that doesn't happen? Then What? What time? Where? Then where?' It's totally exhausting. And intervening when he's trying to control his younger sibling, and manipulate her more trusting nature to get what he wants. Now she's starting to behave like him!! Oh no!
8 yrs old. Exhausted. Wonder if I can offer him the totally structured environment he so needs when I have 2 other children. Worry about the impact on them. How is this affecting their development, especially the younger one who (of course) models some of her behavour on him. Would boarding school during the week work. But we'd miss him and he us. But our house would be more peaceful, not disrupted on a daily sometimes hourly basis by his needs, his demands. Sometimes I just crave a peaceful life for us. Then I feel guilty because that would only happen if he wasn't with us every day.And the youngest sometimes looks at me when I am trying to pull him into line as if to say "you are mean!" she has such a soft heart and she loves her brother, she was the first one he let in. I'm afraid she'll grow up thinking i'm someone who was unfairly "mean" to her brother.
Almost 9 yrs. It's been a long 8 and a bit years. We have had a lot of success with our son. But a lot of trauma for all of to get here. Still is. I worry about him (and us) when he becomes a teenager. I am not having a lot of success with holding these days. I think I need some help again. But no good therapists nearby. Writing this has been therapeutic. It helps me put it into perspective and to see how far we have all come. I know there are worse stories than this, our son never was cruel to animals and never harmed himself. He tidies his room better than his siblings, sometimes he doesn't have food issues, he's doing well at school, he loves music and dance, he does NOW have a level of attachment. He has a lovely heart. We are thankful for small mercies but it is a very arduous journey this family is on. We are surviving but there are still many days when I don't know how I am going to get through this.
