I HATE YOU!
Weekend Home Visit (January 27, 2006)
"What are you doing," TLP asked.
"Reading," I replied as I put my nose back inside my book.
"What are you reading," he asked.
"A book about how to write."
"Why?"
"Because I forgot how to write."
"I never knew how to write."
"Sure you did... they taught you how to write in elementary school."
"But I don't know how to write too good."
"You don't have to know how to write well... to write.
You just have to know how to write."
"I can't do it."
"Can you talk?"
"Yes... but I don't talk too good."
"You don't have to be able to speak well... or write well... to write.
You just do it. You write down all of the things that you're thinking."
"I don't know what you're talking about."
"Tell me what you're thinking right now?"
"I'm thinking that I don't know what you're talking about."
"Good... you could write that down. What else are you thinking?"
"I'm thinking that I want some mashed potatoes and gravy."
"Okay... you could write that down too."
"Can I have some?"
"Have some what?"
"Mashed Potatoes and Gravy"
"No... not right now."
"Why not?"
"Because I'm teaching you how to write."
"But I don't want to write."
"No... but you have to learn how to do it anyway."
"Why?"
"Because if you don't start writing down some of the things that you're thinking... your head's going to explode."
"What????????"
"Well... it's not REALLY going to explode... but you need to find a way to get all of that anger and sadness out of your brain... and your body. So... if you can write it out... write down all of the angry and sad things that you're thinking...
you'll feel better. Did you know that I write out my anger and sadness?
"No."
Did you know that I have a lot of anger and sadness too?"
"No."
"Well... I do. Everyone has some anger and sadness. When I don't know what to do with mine... I write it down. I take all of the angry and sad thoughts from my head and put them onto paper... so my head doesn't explode or something.
Do you want me to read you some of the things that I've written.
"Yes."
Here's a poem that I wrote a long time ago. Let me read it to you.
The Dream
Last night I had a dream
that I wished upon a star,
then I heard a young child crying
her voice echoed from afar.
I walked alone forever
in the darkness of the night...
the star, it seemed to follow
but the child's no-where in sight.
I said a prayer for this young child,
"God, help me set her free!
She's much to young to be alone,
please give me light to see."
The star became much brighter,
it's light filled up the sky...
her tears, they fell like raindrops
stinging in my eyes.
I started searching everywhere
a little child might be,
when suddenly I realized
the little girl was me.
"That's sad."
"Yes, I was sad when I wrote that poem."
"Can you read me another one?"
"Sure... I have a lot of them. I write all the time."
"You do?"
"Yep... let me find you another one. Oh... I wrote this one for Mary."
"You wrote something about Mary?"
"Yep... I call it, "The Ladder."
Once upon a time a child was born. Such a beautiful child. So small... so innocent... so full of life. So full of hope, and dreams, and love. She waited so patiently for someone to love her, protect her, and teach her to reach for the sky and find her rainbow.
Instead, her life was filled with pain. Her hopes and dreams were shattered, like a fist slamming against a mirror. She was taught of "love" but in doing so, her innocence was lost... forever. She tried to reach for the sky, but there was always someone there to knock her down. She longed to see the rainbow, but it was so far off in the distance... covered by the clouds, the tears, and the pain.
So many years passed by and somehow the child found the courage to reach out for help. The scars from her past are a constant reminder of the pain that this child endured. Her pain and tears have now been replaced by laughter and love. She continues to pick up the glass from the shattered mirror that once held her reflection. The clouds are beginning to fade away, and for the first time, she can see just how beautiful and how close that rainbow really is.
Once upon a time a young woman was born. So full of life, and hope, and dreams. She's waited so patiently all these years to be loved and protected. Please give me the strength to hold the ladder... while she climbs to her rainbow in the sky.
"That's sad too."
"It is... no child deserves to be hurt... EVER!"
"Can you read me more."
"Sure... hmmmm... okay... I wrote this one for D... a long time ago."
SHE
She wanders aimlessly
searching her soul
for the answers.
She feels as though she's somehow
inadequate.
She wonders why-
and wishes she could be
different.
She staggers through each day
hiding from the truth-
trying to change who she is-
wanting desperatly to be
something she's not.
Yet- little does she know
that it is she
that helped to make my life
complete.
She- that taught me how to be
strong.
She- that brings joy to my life
everyday...
because she is so beautiful-
so talented-
so bright-
and because she is everything
I ever dreamed she would be...
and more.
I only hope that she can feel
how much she is truly
LOVED!
"You wrote that for D?"
"Yes... I've written a lot of things. It helps me get the sad out."
"Can you read me more?"
"Sure. I wrote this one for M."
Untitled
The fear is in your eyes again...
it's written all over your face.
I can see the approaching stranger
is beginning to invade your space.
What are you afraid of?
What makes you hide in fear?
What causes you to panic
and try to disappear?
The mind is a powerful weapon...
does it tell you that danger is near?
Does it tell you to hide and run away
when you really have nothing to fear?
I'll try really hard to protect you
from those things that you cannot explain.
I can see that your world is quite scary...
do you feel like you're going insane?
I'll always stand proudly beside you
and help you along the way.
I'll protect you from all of your demons
until we can chase them away.
"You wrote that for M?"
"Yep... I was sad."
"You wrote LITTLE PRINCE for me!"
"I've written a LOT about you. Do you want to hear some of them?"
"Yes!"
"Hmmmm.... this was the first poem I wrote about you.
Do you know what TERMINATION means?
"What's that?"
"Termination is the word that they use when the judge decides that a parent can no longer take care of their child... and the court tells the parent that they can no longer be the mommy and daddy for a child because the child isn't safe. So the judge terminates the rights of the parent so that other parents can adopt the child and give him or her a family that takes good care of them.
Termination
The door is closed.
Termination!
They say those words
as if they have no meaning.
I hear the sound of water running...
or, are they tears?
Not his...
he doesn't understand.
Falling... falling...
who's going to be there to catch him?
There's a face at the window.
It's him!
He's smiling at us.
He's singing...
"I believe I can fly...
I believe I can touch the sky."
His words echo through my mind.
There's a stairway leading to
NOWHERE!
What lies ahead?
It's dark!
Too dark to see.
I'm afraid!
Afraid to step into the darkness...
yet, afraid not to.
"Do you love him...
or do you feel sorry for him?"
Who said that?
Does it really matter anyway?
He believes he can fly...
why can't we?
"You wrote that for me??????"
"Yep. I've written a lot about you."
Can you read more... more about me?"
"Sure. Well.. this one is sort of about you... and me... and a lot of other kids."
In a Perfect World...
In a perfect world... all babies would be conceived of love. In a perfect world... all babies would be properly planned for in advance... and their mother's would surely glow with the beauty of the miracle that lies within their womb. In a perfect world... the heavens and the earth would rejoice and give thanks for the beauty of each of God's most tiny miracles.
In a perfect world... all babies would always be blessed with the tenderness of their parent's eagerly awaiting arms. In a perfect world... all babies would know that their existance on this earth was forever meant to be... and would
learn to rest in the comfort of knowing that they were a true gift
of their parent's undying love.
In a perfect world... no baby would ever feel unloved or unwanted. In a perfect world... no baby would ever know hunger...and no baby would ever feel pain. In a perfect world... no baby would ever feel abandoned... would ever know fear... or would ever be harmed by the hands of those who claimed to have loved them.
But... we don't live in a perfect world...
so we have RAD...
and look what it's done to them...
look what's been destroyed.
Let us dry their tears and move forward.
Let us tear down those walls they've built up around them...
and rebuild...
in the name of love...
in a little more perfect world.
"What's wrong?"
"That was sad."
"Yes... sometimes the world is a sad place. That's why you need to write."
"Hey... what's that?"
"Another Poem that I wrote."
"Who did you write that one for?"
"You."
"What??????????? Why did you write that??????
Do you HATE me?
"No!!!!!!!!"
"So why does it say I HATE YOU?"
"Because YOU hated me."
"I don't hate you."
"Well... when I wrote it... sometimes I thought you hated me. So I wrote a poem about what I thought you might say to me if you had the chance."
"Will you read it to me."
" You might not like this one very much."
"I want to know what you wrote."
"Okay... but it might make you sad.
I HATE YOU!
I hate you in the morning...
I hate you in the night.
I hate you when you're near me...
And when you're out of sight.
I hate the way you touch me...
Or kiss me on my head.
I wish that you would go away...
I wish that you were dead.
You think that you're my mother...
But you couldn't be more wrong.
So just take your stinkin' kisses...
And kindly move along.
I'll never let you hold me close...
You'll never get my heart.
It's better that you know this now...
Right from the very start.
I ALREADY HAVE A MOTHER...
AND YOU CANNOT TAKE HER PLACE.
SO YOU MIGHT AS WELL QUIT TRYING...
AND GET OUT OF MY FACE.
But, until then...
I'll see you in the morning...
And I'll see you in the night.
I'll be frightened when you're near me...
Yet, scared when you're out of sight.
I'll hate it when you touch me...
I'll wipe your kisses from my head.
And though I do not mean it...
I might even wish you dead.
I'm so scared that you're my mother...
Sometimes... it just feels wrong.
But, maybe someday I'll let you hold me...
Maybe someday... I'll belong.
"How did you know that?"
"Know what?"
"What I was thinking?"
"I didn't... but that's what I THOUGHT you might be thinking."
"I don't hate you. Not anymore.
"You don't?"
"No.... I love you!"
"I love you too TLP... but sometimes I'm not always so sure that you love me. Sometimes it really feels like you hate me."
"I don't hate you. Sometimes I just get really mad."
"That's why you need to learn to write about the mad... and the sad."
"So you won't think I hate you?"
"So you won't say all of those mad things to me.
I'm going to get a pen and paper...
and you're going to tell me what you're thinking right now.
I'll even write it down for you. "
"Okay?????"
"Okay... so tell me exactly what you're thinking right... NOW?"
"I'm thinking that I really want some mashed potatoes and gravy." : )
All Poetry: Copyright © Suzanne
