the evening sun scattering its last ray of light.
a little boy- ALONE
silently awaiting the return of the impending nightmare.
as the shadow slowly begins to take form.
the fear... the pain... the tears-
the hand reaching out to muffle the screams.
the shiver of stolen innocence.
a little boy- LYING WOUNDED
lost within a nightmare,
A nightmare of which there is no escape.
a little boy- ALONE
lost in the midst of another nightmare-
Screaming... Crying... Pleading
for someone to help help him.
the footsteps approaching
the shadow slowly beginning to take form
as the hand reaches out to embrace...
to offer comfort.
Now, imagine that you're that little boy.
IMAGINE YOURSELF EVER TRUSTING AGAIN!
Copyright © 2004 Suzanne
Trust does not come easy with these children. As I begin to learn more and more about TLP... and of the confused memories of his early childhood abuse... it's amazing that he has come as far as he has already. It is so difficult to ride this new roller coaster ride with him. It is so hard to sit here and be witness to all of those confused memories, and see the pain... fear... and confusion in his eyes as these memories present themselves to him.
Deep down... I do believe that he loves me now. Deep down.... I believe that he trusts me too. But I don't like what pre-puberty seems to be throwing our way. It almost appears that it's somehow triggering some of those past sexual abuse issues for him. I really worry about him as his body is beginning to send him all of these new and confusing messages. So, even though his emotions and reasoning skills are much like that of a five year old, I still had to find a way to have that BIG sex talk with him... in a way that he could understand. But, how can a five year old mind really comprehend all of those physical changes that are about to take place.
Sometimes I get so tired and frustrated. Sometimes I wish that we would have known about RAD before the age of nine. I wish that we could have gotten started with the Attachment Therapy sooner... when he was smaller... and a lot easier to physically manage. I wish we could have had a little more time with him... with the therapy... before puberty. Sometimes I just wish that we could turn back time... and start again... knowing now... what we didn't know then. : (
I'm so afraid. Afraid that we're not going to survive this new stage of life with him. Afraid that he still doesn't trust me... or love me... quite enough. Yet, relieved that there is at lease SOME TRUST... and SOME LOVE. Hopefully enough to get us through the rough roads that lie ahead of us.