Why Failing is Okay: Template Letter
Dear Teacher,
Thank you for your note dated October 1, 2004. We understand your concerns about ___’s grades. However, we are thrilled with how well she is handling the increased responsibility, increased social demands, and that she is being exposed to more challenging material. She is progressing exactly as we predicted in her IEP meeting, and we couldn’t be happier that she is growing in self confidence, making friends, and no longer proud of her ability to “trick” her teachers into believing she can’t do the work. For mentally healthy kids, getting good grades is a matter of honor. For a child with RAD, getting bad grades and “tricking” authority figures is a matter of survival.
As you know, ______ suffers from a mental illness called Reactive Attachment Disorder (RAD). RAD occurs when a child’s brain “wires” wrong due to early trauma. Essentially, everything routes through the fight, flight, or freeze part of the brain instead of the thinking part of the brain. Our job, in utilizing therapeutic parenting techniques, is to force ______’s brain to “re-wire” correctly and route all information through the thinking part of her brain, where she will be able to make rational, logical choices that will bring her happiness and success. Unfortunately, we are re-wiring a brain that has had 11 years of trauma and reinforced bad behavior, so it is going to take some time to undo all the damage. That said, ______’s refusal to perform in school is a direct behavioral representation of her mental illness.
Since moving in with us 1 ½ years ago ______ has gone from a girl who couldn’t speak in complete sentences, dress herself, or follow more than one direction at a time to the chatty, capable, happy girl who continues to improve every day. People who are not familiar with the therapeutic methods required to successfully treat RAD encourage us to cut her some slack, lower expectations, coddle her, and reward any effort no matter how meaningless. When a normal child is coddled and rewarded for not performing, they turn into a brat. When a child with RAD is coddled and rewarded for not performing, they turn into a serial killer. With that in mind, when one becomes the parent of an attachment disordered child, one’s view of success and priorities are forever rearranged. This is why we ask the school to understand that our priorities deal with developing _____’s conscience, teaching her to make responsible choices, and drilling into her the concept of cause and effect. When her maladaptive behaviors are no longer working for her, she will be motivated to change. No amount of cajoling, bribing, or explaining the value of school work will change _____’s mind. She will perform when not performing stops being an effective method of manipulation for her.
The concept of choice is very new to _____. From her chaotic birth home to her many, sudden moves in foster care, _____ was taught that everything is out of her control. Nothing was ever the same. Every holiday was spent in a new place. There was no telling if there would be any care, food, the same bed to sleep in, or the same parents there in the morning. She is still struggling with the idea that her decisions will be respected and that she has the right to choose how her life will be. We would rather see ______ fail 4th grade when the consequence is taking it again, than see her fail at life later, because she never learned the real life lesson that refusing to perform does not bring rewards. In _____’s academic past, she was offered passing grades, when she didn’t pass. Teachers wrote for her when she refused to write. Moms dressed her when she refused to dress herself. These false experiences of success lowered her self worth because she knew, in her heart, that she had not really accomplished anything. Denying ____ an opportunity to achieve (or even fail) by her own choice is, in effect, robbing her of an opportunity to learn some very valuable lessons. If we protect ______ from experiencing the consequences of her choices, then she will not have a clear understanding of cause and effect. It is cause and effect thinking that will enable her to break the cycle of violence taught to her by her birth family. It is cause and effect thinking that will motivate her as an adult to get out of bed in the morning and get to work on time.
_____ is not a normal child. Where other children were fed, loved, and cared for, ____ was neglected and abused. For us to expect her to behave, respond to stress, and develop like the normal child of loving parents would not be rational. Also, sympathy will not help _____’s brain development. In fact, sympathy, “going easy on her,” and lowered expectations only serve to reinforce _____’s disfunctional behavior. For example, thus far in school when _____ has refused to perform, the curriculum has been “dumbed down,” and _____ has been given special attention and privileges. When _____ continued to fail, everybody then looked for a reason to explain why she appeared unable to complete her work. They decided she couldn’t see, was retarded, has a learning disability, had ADHD, or didn’t receive enough help from her family, et cetera, instead of focusing on the already professionally diagnosed true cause of her behavior: RAD. As we already have a diagnosis, and we already know what methods work to ensure that she will perform (and have seen those methods work 100% of the time), why waste anyone’s time by trying techniques that have been shown to only make her mental illness worse? Why try to find a reason that is more comfortable and more familiar, when we have the solution to the puzzle right in front of us? Denying the truth does ______ no favors. Yes, it would make everyone’s life easier if just brushing ______’s hair could cure her illness, or giving her Ritalin, or have someone give her the right answers and write them down for her. But these things will not make her better. They will not make her an academic success; she will just look like one on her report card.
We suggest following the tried therapeutic methods proscribed by ______’s therapist to achieve the desired outcome, passing grades. We know these methods are time consuming, emotionally draining, and seem overly strict, but they are necessary if we hope for ______ to have a truly successful and happy year. Just as we would not offer a cookie to a diabetic or withhold insulin because we don’t understand how it works, we cannot deny ______ the appropriate treatment to cure her mental illness. In our time parenting ______, we have followed the attachment therapist’s advice and have seen truly amazing results. We suggest that you set up a meeting with ______’s therapist to learn more about RAD and therapeutic teaching methods. We understand that we are asking a lot, but ______’s success in the future lies in the foundation we create for her now. We will be happy to support you in any way we can.
Please contact ______’s therapist at your earliest convenience, and he will provide you w
ith effective strategies for managing ______’s RAD.
Sincerely,
