Merry Christmas
December 25th, 2005
Dear TLP,
Merry Christmas! I am so glad that you were able to be home with us to share this special family day. I have to admit that I got a little worried last night as you began to challenge your dad, but I was glad to see you pull yourself back together so we didn’t have to bring you back to the residential facility on Christmas eve. Whether you want to believe this or not, you are FAMILY… and if possible, families should always be together on Christmas. Thank you for stopping the fight last night. Thank you for deciding that you wanted to be here at home where you belong.
I know that you are sad and maybe even a little angry that we chose to have you live away from home for a while. I really wish that there was some other way, because I missed you so much these last two days that you were away. My heart kept telling me to drive back up and bring you home, but I know that this is not what you need right now. Being a mom and dad is such a hard job, TLP. Moms and Dads hate to see their children hurting, and they want to be able to kiss their children and hug them… and make all of their pain go away. But, unfortunately, Moms and Dads cannot do everything. They can’t always be there to stop others in this world from hurting their children… even if they really wish that they could. And they cannot just wave a magic wand and make all of the pain go away forever. All they can do is be there everyday, and keep loving their kids, and try to make them understand that they feel their pain.
TLP, it wasn’t fair that the people that brought you into this world hurt you. Mommy’s and Daddy’s are supposed to be there to love and protect their children. Children are supposed to be able to trust their parents to always keep them safe. I’m so sorry that your birth parents made bad decisions. I’m so sorry that they hurt you, and let others hurt you, and so sorry that you were not able to trust any of the adults in your world.
For ten years, your Dad and I have tried to love you, and protect you, and show you that there are some good people in this world. For ten years, D and M have tried so hard to be a big sister and big brother to you. As a mom, it hurts my heart so badly to see you fighting us… and pushing us all away. It hurts to know that your birthparents succeeded in destroying ALL of your trust in people… especially the people that want so desperately to help you. TLP, we love you! Mom… and Dad… and D and M. We love you, and we want you to be here at home with us. But we are tired. Tired of fighting you. Tired of trying to prove our love to you. Tired of living in the shadow of your birth family… the people that hurt you. We’re not like them. No matter how badly you abuse us… we are not going to hurt you. But we’re tired. Very tired. Too tired to fight anymore… and we all need a long break so that we can help ourselves get strong again… so that we can continue to help you. Tired Moms and Dads do not do their best jobs helping their kids. Mom and Dad are tired. Tired of trying to prove our love… tired of fighting… tired of being angry with you… and we needed help. That is why you are not going to be at home for a while. Not because we don’t love you… but because we DO love you. We love you enough to know that you need more help than what we can give you here at home right now.
I know that you are scared at the Residential Facility. I know that you are worried that they will hurt you. I can’t PROMISE you that you will never get hurt again… but I know that they have a good staff there. Please find a staff member that you can talk to. Please try to get all of your mad/sad feelings out so that you can come back home very soon.
Miss Respite Provider was supposed to help us. Miss Respite Provider said that she would keep you at her home so that our family could rest for a little while. I didn’t want to send you there, but I needed to be with my dad… needed to have some time to say goodbye to him… and thank him for being such a good dad. I didn’t forget that you needed me… and I really wanted to be there for you… but my dad needed me too and sometimes moms just need to be there to help other people too. My first choice would have been to keep you here at home with us… but you were fighting us so badly. I needed you to go away for awhile, so I could take care of my dad... and myself. I knew that I couldn’t be the best mom for you at the time, and I knew that you were not going to stop fighting and let me have the time I needed to say goodbye to my dad. Never for a second, did I ever think that you wouldn’t be safe with Miss Respite Provider and her family. If I had known that they were going to hurt you, I PROMISE that I never would have sent you there. I’m so sorry. I’m so sorry that you were hurt by these horrible people. I can’t help but feel as if I’ve somehow failed you… by sending you there… and by not being there to help you when you needed me the most. So, the tears that you have been seeing from me are not just tears about Grandpa B dying… and Grandma D dying. MOST of my tears these last few months have been tears of guilt about sending you to Miss Respite Providers house. This family has spent 10 years trying so hard to keep you safe… and I made a really bad decision. A decision that I cannot change… no matter how badly I feel. I know that I’ve told you this a hundred times… but it wasn’t fair that they chose to hurt you. : ( These people said that they could help you… help us… and they betrayed our trust. As a mother, I want to go over there and POUND them into the ground for what they’ve taken from you…. and from our entire family. I feel so guilty for feeling like I want to hurt another person in this world… and I won’t hurt them because that would be wrong… but I can guarantee you that I will be there in court and do my best to make sure that they are punished for what they’ve done to you. That… I promise you.
I am glad that you are having a good day today. I am glad that you are choosing to stay here and be a part of our family. BUT unfortunately, Dad and I need to take you back to the Residential Facility tomorrow. We need to continue resting so we can be healthy enough to take care of you when you come back home… and we need you to spend some time thinking and talking to the staff… and deciding whether or not you want to be a part of this family. We can’t force you to love us… and we can’t force you to stop hurting us… but we can send you to live someplace else… until you figure out what you want in life. I hope that in the end, you will decide that you want to he here at home… with parents who love you… and a brother and sister who so desperately want you to love them too. I hope that you will learn that we ARE your forever family… even if you choose not to live here with us. I hope you will find that you love yourself… that you are a good person…. that you never deserved to be hurt by anyone. But most of all… I hope that you will learn what to do with all of your sadness and anger… so that you don’t continue to lash out and hurt all of the people that truly love you.
You have a lot of hard work ahead of you… but I know that you are strong. Please choose to help yourself. Please let yourself ask others for help.
I love you,
Mom
