The Little Prince Index

Daddy

Daddy's eyes were sad with doubt-

his horrible fear... finally out.

Daddy's eyes were filled with tears-

too big a secret... so many years.

I bit my lip and listened close

to the startling words my daddy spoke.

"I love you Daddy," I tried to shout-

I moved my mouth... no words came out.

I sat and listened... never spoke-

Fought back tears...nearly choked.

Daddy closed his eyes... drifted off to sleep-

leaving me alone to weep.

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Caught...

in a tangled web

of confusing memories.

Trapped...

in a seemingly endless maze

of disturbing thoughts.

Drowning...

in a dangerously deep pit

of untold secrets.

Hiding...

from the very truth

that would set her mind to rest.

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LIFE OF LIES

In the darkness of my being

My heart and mind stand disagreeing

And words play over in my mind

Haunting... burning... intertwined.

Calm voices whisper in my ear

To soothe the threat of falling tear,

And walls of brick protect this heart

Forbidding it to fall apart.

If many a tear could wash away

The painful truth of yesterday,

Then why do I stand afraid to cry

As if pure weakness tears imply.

Filled with sorrow and regret

This life of lies I can't forget,

But the truth I long to one day find

Lies buried beneath words that escape my mind.

So confusing to this battered heart

This secret longing to impart

So whatever will become of me

If I refuse to set these feelings free?

As I gaze up in the evening sky

I sit and wonder where and why

This emptiness reached deep inside

And caused my death before I died.

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SEARCHING

She stood by silently contemplating life's path.

Her memories roamed to far off places

where angry voices seeped through the cracks of the doors.

Carefully, she sifted through the masses of jumbled words.

Searching for something...

anything...

any small piece of what would one day become the truth.

Yet, relentless was she to understand

what would one day cause these tomorrows of disarray.

As she stood back staring at the unknown reflection

reality quickly breaking loose...

eyes eroding with silent tears

she studied herself just a little more closely.

Searching for something

anything

any small glimpse of the stranger.

The stranger buried deeply within herself.

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Truth

Trenchant arguments within her mind

cast obvious signs of distinction.

Her existence

the never-ending strand of her life

sadly misplaced

undefined...

merely a wrinkle lost somewhere in time.

Distant cries of broken heart

sadly whisper life's truth.

She listens closely

searching for her future's past.

Invisible stains

painted upon her heart

seek to stop her mind from speaking

of a world which is no more.

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The Flame of Truth

She sits alone

by candle's light

weeping cowardly tears-

as night melts on into day.

Sitting alone

she dances the flame of truth-

'til memories ignite

and the flesh of denial burns clean.

Blistering and bleeding

brushing away ashes of time

she returns to her safe little corner of the world-

obvious truth revealed.

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Me, Myself... and I

"Hey you over there

are you listening to me?

Don't you dare turn your back on reality!"

She stared long and hard...

no expression at all-

as I tried to break through all those cracks in the wall.

"This is not about us...

This is her cross to carry-

This was HER lifelong lie that SHE needed to bury."

Her emotions were locked-

tucked safely away.

Yet, I just wasn't fooled by her passive display.

"DONT YOU DARE LOOK AWAY

WHEN I'M TALKING TO YOU!

You asked for the truth, now you see this thing through!"

The glare I observed

as she stared in my eyes...

confirmed I was someone she clearly despised.

"BUT YOU DON'T UNDERSTAND...

WE WERE BORN A MISTAKE,"

she screamed and she cried, as she started to shake.

I had hit a nerve-

the tears started to fall.

I just sat and I watched her

saying nothing at all.

"I HATE HER... I HATE HER...

I HAVE A RIGHT TO BE MAD!

All I ever wanted... was for him to be my dad."

I rose to my feet...

kneeling down by her side-

then holding her closely...

together we cried.

Just Me, Myself... and I.

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Identity

Who is she, but body and soul-

Yet forced by fate to play this role?

With little or no reason why

this world she's known became a lie.

To what avail does her purpose serve-

Is the question behind her lack of words.

Weep not, dear lost and angry child-

The facts will slowly be compiled.

It matters not what seeds were sewn-

Your identity is surely known.

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I Love you, Daddy!

You will always be "My Star!"

February 2004

For those of you that do not know me well, this dedication page to my father may have taken you quite by surprise. You see, about two years ago, my father unknowingly slipped out a deep dark family secret. He confessed that he was not my biological father. My father has Alzheimer's, and doesn't remember that horrible night in the hospital, or anything that he told me as I sat at his bedside. But I remember it quite clearly, and I will never forget the pain... the anger... and the tears of betrayal that I saw in my father's eyes that night.

It took almost a year for me to find the courage to confirm his heartbreaking story through DNA testing. Luckily for my father, he doesn't remember that part either. But, my entire world fell apart the evening that I opened that envelope and discovered that my father, the first man that I ever loved...the man who had raised me my entire childhood... the man who was always there for me throughout my adult years... was NOT my biological father. It was then that I began to take my own heartbreaking journey back into time.

I now understand that my father didn't have to be there for me. My father CHOSE to be there for me. At any time, he could have just turned his back and walked away... but he CHOSE to stay. Despite the circumstances, despite his anger, despite all of his pain, my father CHOSE not to tell me... and CHOSE to love me as his own. Sadly enough, it took me 40 years to realize what an absolutely amazing father I've been blessed with.

I know that the circumstances are not quite the same, but I just hope that it doesn't take all of our children 40 years to realize what amazing parents they have. I hope that someday soon they will understand that we CHOSE to be there for them. That we could have just turned our backs and walked away from them at any moment... but we CHOSE to stay. Despite the circumstances, despite the anger, despite the pain, we still CHOSE to keep on loving them... because that's what being a good parent is all about.

I wish that I could just sit down and talk to my dad... and tell him that I know the truth. I wish that I could HUG him, cry with him, and thank him for never turning his back on me. But all I can do is create this special page as a tribute to "My Star" ... and then continue to be there for him... as he always was for me.

-Suzanne

Keeper Of The Stars

-Tracy Byrd

(Midi added with special thanks to Margi Harrell of LLERRAH Music)

It was no accident me finding you

Someone had a hand in it

Long before we ever knew

Now I just can't believe you're in my life

Heaven's smilin' down on me

As I look at you tonight.

I tip my hat to the keeper of the stars

He sure knew what he was doin'

When he joined these two hearts

I hold everything

When I hold you in my arms

I've got all I'll ever need

Thanks to the keeper of the stars.

If I could do things over, I'd live my life again...

and never take for granted the love in daddy's hands.

-Holly Dunn (Daddy's Hands)

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Alzheimer's slowly robs a person of their mind and their dignity.

Infidelity slowly penetrates the heart and soul of its survivor's.

Both are equally devastating to a family.