My Eyes

By Kathryn Taylor

As you look into my eyes, Mommy,

Can you see what they did to me?

Can you see all the tears I've cried?

Can you see all the pain I feel,

And why it is I'm so unreal?

Can you see now why I hide?

Oh, Mom, I wish that I were blind,

Cause there's stuff here that reminds

Of things that scared me once before-

Why is it that I feel this way?

Are all these visions here to stay,

Flashing back my civil war?-

Sometimes I glare at you real mean,

'cause I get confused when it comes between

You and the past- my eyes get crossed-

Then, my gaze gets locked on you-

Your love for me slips out of view,

And once again, I seem so lost-

Why is it that our eyes become

The windows of our souls undone?

There's no other way to rescue me,

But to enter my heart through my eyes,

Looking underneath the hate and lies,

With love enough to set me free-

You see, if my past did not exist,

I would not be able to resist

Your desire for me to be your son-

So please remember, when I look at you,

I'm checking to see if you love me true,

And please don't turn away and run,

' cause deep inside I really do need

for you to be my knight on steed-

I need you to hug and love on me,

And teach me what is wrong and right-

Never letting my heart out of your sight,

Or forgetting all of what I see-

Please, when you look at me, Mom, see my whole world.

After years of abuse from my twin teen RADs, I had gotten "off color" with how I dealt with them.  I felt hopeless.  Nothing seemed to work.  Our goal had become to coexist with as little confrontation as possible.  They had no chores anymore, no responsibilities, no nothing.  All they had to do was eat, sleep, bathe and do their schoolwork.  Of course, those four things became as much a battle as all the rest.  The twins were masters at passive aggressive behavior and could torture for me hours standing like statues and staring at me, without others noticing.  I had mastered a returning glare. 

Last week, I attended a Nancy Thomas Workshop.  I had read one of her books and listened to her tapes and was anxious to hear her speak.  She made a statement that impacted me more than anything else she said in two whole days of wonderful words.  She said, that when our kids stare at us all the time, they are asking us with their eyes, "Can I trust you"  A huge chunk of my heart fell to the floor.  Like someone's life flashing before their eyes at death, dozens, if not hundreds of my tired, worn, beaten, angry, frustrated, dirty looks ricocheted through what was left of my heart.  Nancy went on to talk about attachment and the importance of eye contact.  It's vulnerability.   It's intimacy.  It is the most direct root of connecting with another human being there is.  With our children, we must have their respect before they will trust us, and they have to trust us before they can begin to love us.  I've made a lot of changes this past week.  Good ones.  The kids are still RAD, but things are different.  I thank God for people like Nancy Thomas, and so many, many other internet friends who listen and encourage one another and pray for each others' families.  Thanks to all of you out there who help keep other moms and dads afloat.

All rights reserved, © Kathryn Taylor

Copying without permission for non-personal use is forbidden.

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