One First Time

So many dreams I had for you are now lost,

But were they my dreams for you or rather for myself?

The wedding with you wearing my white satin dress,

Us removing it from its box, like new,untouched by the years.

Your  happy smile and clear brown eyes,

Eyes fresh and alive, untouched by the effects of drugs.

Have I failed you, you failed me,

Or have we somehow failed each other?

Or is this no failure at all,

But rather lessons learned.

I cannot keep you sober,

Only you can accomplish that.

And, my personal belief is that

You will be unable to do so without the help of

A Higher Power.

I cannot be your Higher Power

I can only be the mom who loves you.

Have loved you since the first time I saw you,

The little brown eyed girl with no front teeth,

You had no shoes, only raggedy boots,

And yet you were smiling.

The smile I now recognize as that of a child with RAD

The toothy, "I can do this alone" smile.

Oh, how I wish we could turn back to  that first meeting,

I, with newfound knowlege, could help you today.

But, alas, I knew nothing about attachment disorders,

Was flattered when you started calling me Mommy

On your second day with us.

Now I know, and I can help

If you will just let me.

Please trust enough to cross the frozen lake

That separates us.

I promise you can make it,

The ice is strong, you will not fall into the cold, dark waters.

And I will be waiting with open arms

To welcome you home.

If only you can trust me

One first time.

Jan Heffron Taber

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