RAD Survival Tips
Taking Control
So many people criticize all of the strange things that we are doing to try and help our son heal. Some of these people just question us, but others have even gone as far as to accuse us of being the cause of our child’s problems. Depending on which person we happen to be talking to at any given moment, we are either accused of being far too strict… or of being pushovers and of not being strict enough. It’s very interesting to sit back and listen to other parent’s views of how I should raise my son. Some of them say that I should stop being so hard on him and give him what he is whining for… to prevent the tantrums. Others have told me that I am far too easy on him and that I should beat him whenever he tries to push me to the point of no return. As all RAD parents already know… giving in to these small battles will only lead to LARGER BATTLES… and beating him would just bring Protective Service Workers to the door. Please, if you want to help your children… do not give in to these daily battles, and PLEASE do not ever beat them. Neither of these methods have been proven to work with RAD children, and both will make your child even more sick.
I used to worry about what others thought of me when I was forced to use these different parenting methods out there in public places. Since my child was getting very good at saying and doing things VERY QUIETLY, I was well aware that I was the one who looked dysfunctional to the entire world. An example of this would be when my son would walk up to me and give me a huge hug in front of a stranger. To the stranger, it appeared that my son was highly affectionate and they may even find his actions to be very sweet. What the stranger didn’t know was that in the middle of that nice big hug, my son was putting his hands in some very inappropriate places on my body, whispering inappropriate things in my ear, or doing or saying something to make me want to push him away. To the stranger, this very sweet and loving little boy was trying to give his mother a hug and she (the lunatic mother) pushed him away and made him sit down on the floor to do some Strong Sitting (Time-In.) I very quickly learned that in order to survive raising this child, I had to STOP worrying about what other people thought, and concentrate on taking back the control. I knew that my son was using strangers as a stepping-stone to get away with poor behavior, to make me look like a bad mother, and trying to show me that he had all of the control.
These children NEED us to be in control at all times. Do not be afraid to do what you have to do in public… no matter how mean you think it might make you look. Those people are just strangers… and more than likely… you won’t ever have to see them again anyway. But your child will be your child forever… and you really need your child to know that he cannot manipulate you, or your rules when he is away from home. Stand tall… stand firm… and do what needs to be done… no matter who might be looking over your shoulder. Someday…. your child might even thank you for it.
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GOT JACKS?????
I went out and bought two sets of JACKS last week... and TLP and I sat on the floor laughing and having a blast. Do any of you remember how to play JACKS???? They are sooooooooooooooo inexpensive... and sooooooooooooooo much fun. Great way to share some quality time... laugh a bit... and work on that hand/eye coordination.
These kids really DO need us to play with them... and laugh with them. Even if they think they don't want it or don't deserve it... they really do need it... just as much as we all do
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BRICKS
Sometimes OUR KIDS start throwing bricks at us to get our attention. Or maybe they just sit down at the mall and refuse to walk... or wipe feces on the bathroom wall. My experience is showing me that they are not just 'throwing bricks at us' just for the fun of it or to tick us off. They are throwing bricks at us to send us a message... and it's up to us lucky parents to figure out what that message is.
Next time your child starts throwing bricks... before you get angry with them...
Try to take a look around you and figure out what they are afraid of????
If you can't figure it out... ASK THEM!
But don't be surprised if they don't know the answer.
Sometimes our brains just send little messages to our bodies that we can't understand. At least, not until we start to investigate a bit.
I think you sort of have to become a detective to figure out the reason why they are throwing these bricks.
Did they just smell a familiar smell that's disturbing to them… and bringing back some past memories of abuse?
Did they just see something that reminded them of someone from their past?
Maybe they heard something... a sound or a voice that reminds them of someone or something.
I think we can't just always assume that they are just MESSING WITH US.
Sometimes they really are scared... and feeling some body discomfort... and remembering some of the pain of that past abuse.
It could happen while you are driving them in the car... while you are shopping at the mall... or even when they are taking a bath.
We always assume that the staring is IGNORING... when the staring could mean that they are lost somewhere in a very painful place in their past.
We always worry that they are having seizures...
but nobody ever stops to think that those SEIZURES could actually be Post Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD) and lots of really ugly and painful memories could be rearing their ugly heads.
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The Writing on the Wall
I Exist
Posted on the TLP Message Board on February 20, 2007 by Jess
I don't know if you guys forget as much as I do, but as I rather frustratingly was scrubbing my bathroom counter to remove my daughter's name, I remembered something. I had a conversation with someone this year and was fussing about how she always writes her name on everything, I mean everything, from the fridge to the walls to the sink. They said . . . well it would make sense that a child who had been neglected would have a constant need to remind the world, I exist, I am here.
Wow! We gotcha baby, momma know's you're here!!!!!
Re(2): I exist
Posted on February 20, 2007 by Jodi
So true! There is no better way to let people know you exist.
I also thought it was a way of saying this stuff is mine. As in "I have a table, a couch, a chair, a dresser." For neglected kids this could be a huge thing, to have stuff that is theirs.
Re(3): I exist
Posted on February 20, 2007 by Suz
Maybe you could buy her a "Label Buddy" from Walmart and encourage her to make a name label for all of her belongings. TLP has a label maker and he used it to make name labels for his belongings... and even for all of his little critter's cages. He even made a label for me, one that I continue to wear it on my jean jacket. It says, "I LOVE YOU MOM" Makes me not want to wash that jacket though, because every time he sees me wearing that label... I'm hoping that it reminds him that he LOVES me.
Re(7): I exist
Posted on February 20, 2007 by mom2radishes
I painted my kids names on their bedroom doors. They were freaked out at first ( it is the whole name with new last name), but now they love it.
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Post those Little Yellow Post-it Notes
Post them EVERYWHERE!
Write down some positive little messages and post them on the walls,
doors, windows, bathroom mirrors, above the bed, and even in the hallways.
I AM SAFE!
I DESERVE TO BE LOVED!
I AM HAPPY!
Whatever positive messages your child needs to hear... and see...
write them out and stick them up all around the house.
Just remember to keep the messages short, sweet, and positive!
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The Focus Trick
Here is a little FOCUS TRICK that you can try with your children when you notice that they are staring, zoning out, or when you can see that their thoughts appear to be somewhere else. I learned this from a therapist and it has come in really handy for us on the days when we can see that things are not going as they should.
Name five things that you SEE.
(I see the ceiling fan, I see my bed, I see my turtle swimming, I see my pajamas hanging on the door knob, I see dad standing in the hallway.)
Name five things that you HEAR.
(I hear the fan, I hear the water running in the turtle cage, I hear the birds outside, I hear the air-conditioner running, I hear the clock ticking)
Name five things that you FEEL.
(Feel meaning… I feel my arm touching the chair, I feel my feet on the floor, I feel my hand touching my leg, I feel my butt sitting on the bed, I feel your hand on my knee.)
Before I stressed the “I feel” stuff with TLP… this little focus trick actually caused us a few more problems, because every time we got to the “Name five things that you feel” he would say, “I feel scared” and then he would start to freak out all over again. So… before you use this… please explain exactly what you mean by “I FEEL.”
So…. then it moves on to…
Name four things that you SEE.
Name four things that you HEAR.
Name four things that you FEEL.
Name three things that you SEE.
Name three things that you HEAR.
Name three things that you FEEL.
Name two things that you SEE.
Name two things that you HEAR.
Name two things that you FEEL.
Name one thing that you SEE.
Name one thing that you HEAR.
Name one thing that you FEEL.
If the child is struggling to do this… do it again immediately after you are finished. There were times when TLP was so zoned out that we had to sit there and start over and over and over again… until we could see and hear that he was back in the present with us again and feeling safe again.
Name five things that you SEE.
Name five things that you HEAR.
Name five things that you FEEL.
Name four things that you SEE.
Name four things that you HEAR.
Name four things that you FEEL.
Name three things that you SEE.
Name three things that you HEAR.
Name three things that you FEEL.
Name two things that you SEE.
Name two things that you HEAR.
Name two things that you FEEL.
Name one thing that you SEE.
Name one thing that you HEAR.
Name one thing that you FEEL.
This type of FOCUS TRICK appears to help pull the child’s thoughts back out of the past… and get them back into reality again. With TLP… as soon as I started to see the staring… or that really faraway look… we immediately started to do this. Most of the time he is laughing and relaxed and back to normal by the time he is finished with this little focus trick.
If your child happens to be taking Prozac, and this problem is becoming more and apparent (the zoning)… you may want to talk to the prescribing doctor about the possibility of trying Zoloft instead. It has been said that Zoloft appears to be a little more friendlier drug for the people who are suffering from PTSD.
Oh… and one more thing…
We also use the 5…4…3….2….1 counting for TLP when we are starting to see a lot of frustration that could eventually lead to a meltdown. It works GREAT for those days when the parent is driving, and looks in the mirror and see's that the child is beginning to zone out in the car. It can also work to help rescue a child who is starting to have some really MAJOR FLASHBACKS.
(Yes, Major Flashbacks IS a link to another important page) Go check it out! ; )
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The One-Minute Scolding Trick
I scold my child in private, and while reminding him that I am the only one that is allowed to talk until I am finished saying what I need to say. While I am talking, I try to remember that this scolding will be very painful for my child and I keep in mind that he will do almost anything to try and get me to stop (laughing, plugging his ears, wiggling.) No matter what happens, I always continue the scolding... which is always done in private whenever possible. Before I start, I always make sure that I crouch down to eye level with my child and that I am touching him. Ususally I will have my hand on his arm or shoulder. For the next minute, I make sure that my voice and facial expression communicate that I am angry or disappointed in him. As I am talking, I make sure that my child understands which rule he has broken, and the reason why I am so angry with him. I try to be sure that I stay in control and that I am scolding THE BEHAVIOR... not the child. I am very careful to tell him that I am angry because he did something wrong... and let him know that what he has done was wrong. I really try to keep the scolding brief, but I also watch for facial expressions and do not stop until I can clearly see that my son can see and feel my disappointment in his behavior (not in him personally.) I know that if I continue to talk or scold for more than a minute or so... my son will just tune me out and stop listening anyway.
I try to take a few deep breaths after that, and remind myself that I am disciplining my son because I love him and want him to grow up to be a caring and considerate person. I very quickly force myself to change the tone of my voice and facial expression, and move on to express my love and cocern for my son. I may say things like, "I love you and want you to do well," or "I know that you really do want to behave." I also remind him that he is a good person who made a mistake that needed to be corrected. I tell him that I had to scold him because he broke a family rule, and that I will continue to scold him again and again... each time he chooses to break the rules. I say this part with compassion and undserstanding, never with anger. I want to send him the message that although I love him... and care deeply for him... I am strong enough to discipline him when it is needed.
Now I need to know that my son understands why I am scolding him, so I ask him if he understands why I am scolding him. If he refuses to answer, I tell him. "I am scolding you because you threw a shovel at your brother." After I am sure that he understands why he was disciplined, I ask him if he understands WHY I discipline him when he has done something to hurt someone else. If there is no response, I will tell him "I discipline you because I love you, and care about you." Then I give him a huge hug to let him know that I am finished scolding him. Afterwards, I try to give my son a little space so that he can try to process what has taken place, but within a half hour or so... I try to pull him back in and do something fun with him (play a game, make a joke, etc.)... just in case he is worried that I might still be angry. The message that I try to send is, "Yes, I still love you.... and yes, I still want to be near you and have fun with you." If after having a little time to think things over, my son wants to calmly talk to me about the situation, I am always open to discuss it again... and to listen to his side of the story... but I will not apologize unless it is proven that I made a mistake and my son was unfairly disciplined. Meaning, if he later came to me and explained that he threw the shovel at his brother because his brother was threatening him with great bodily harm. In that case, I would go get his brother and the three of us would calmly discuss the situation in greater length.
The hard part about the one-minute scolding is remembering that the scolding is over after that one-minute and that we should not ever mention it to the child again. When I later tell my husband (very quietly) about what has happened, he should NOT walk over and bring the subject back up to the child, or scold our son again. One scolding is all a child should need, and when it is over.... it is OVER... and it is time to move on.
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Taking Care of Yourself (Yes,that means of YOU... the parent)
Exercise Daily
(Walking is Great)
Sleep!
(Overly-tired RAD parents are going to struggle, so get off the computer, turn off the TV
and try to get a little more sleep. If you can't get to sleep, try taking 3 mg. of Melatonin)
Eat Brain Foods
(Fish, Nuts, Olive Oil)
Protect Your Brain Cells
( Eat Brightly Colored Fruits and Vegetables and Drink Green Tea)
Keep Your Mind Working
(Do Crossword or Sudoku Puzzles)
Use Young Living Essential Oils
Relax
(Light a candle, turn on some relaxing music, and take a hot bubble bath)
Find a good Respite Care Provider
Don't forget to get away for an occasional dinner out, or a movie.
We NEED this respite time even more than the average parent.
Pamper Yourself
Go get your hair cut, buy yourself a new outfit, get a manicure, a body massage,
or whatever you feel that YOU need to help yourself look and feel better.
Get With Nature
Go for a walk, ride a horse, sit in a hayfield, go fishing, plant flowers or vegetables,
ride a bike, sit on the porch and sip lemonade, etc.
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Take a Road Trip with Your Child
You might be surprised of what you'd learn if you buckled up your child on a regular basis and started taking a few little road trips. One on one time is so important with all kids, but it is especially important with RAD kids. I have recently found that time spent driving in the car is a great time to talk to them about any problems that might be going on. I don't mean for you to jump in the car and start jumping on them about every issue, I mean... use that time to really TALK to the child, to get to know them better, and to connect with them. Remember, these kids are all about avoidance, and it's kind of hard to avoid someone when you are trapped in a car that is moving 70 miles per hour. In fact, the really cool thing about car conversations is... even if they appear to be one-sided (with you doing all of the talking)... they still have to listen. Even if they plug their ears and you think that they are trying to block you out, they still hear you. So use this opportunity to tell them some of those things that you need them to know. "I really DO love you and care about you," might be a really good place to start a road trip conversation with your child. In fact, you might even be surprised by their response. ; )
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Play with Your Child!
Please take the time to play with your child. Playing is such an important part of the bonding experience. Even when you are so stressed out that you don’t feel like playing with them, DO IT ANYWAY! Do something to get yourself and your child laughing out loud. Be silly! Be unpredictable. Be crazy! Do something totally out of character, and start making some really silly and happy memories to replace some of those sad ones. Don't be afraid to get right down there on the floor and get dirty! Just... PLAY! If you can start forcing yourself to play (even if you don't really want to)... you will be surprised at how much easier this gets as time goes on. Once you see that REAL smile forming on their face, and once you begin to see that little twinkle in their eye... you will know that you and your child are beginning to connect. So... go grab that super soaker squirt gun, run into the living room where your child is perched in front of the television set, and open fire on him!!! Just remember not to get mad when he grabs the spray nozzle from the kitchen sink and returns fire on you. Just play... and laugh... and have a little fun everywhere you can. If it's anything like my house, the fun will still be happening as you are both mopping up the floors, because large wet kitchen floors are so much fun to slide across on your knees. Just be careful not to do it too many times because I found out the hard way that this will actually rip the skin right off your knees and you'll have scabs for weeks after this fun activity is over.
It really doesn't matter what you do, just start making some happy memories for you and your child. Over here... it appears to be the element of surprise... and SHOCK... that gets the laughter started. I have been known on occasion to do some really strange things, like jumping into the swimming pool fully dressed, chasing him through the yard with a leaf blower, or picking up a cucumber (fake microphone) and breaking out in song as I dance my way across the kitchen. The song R-E-S-P-E-C-T by Aretha Franklin seems to get the best reaction from a child who is bordering on being rude, and seems to get him laughing and back on track again.
Oh (sock it to me, sock it to me,
sock it to me, sock it to me)
A little respect (sock it to me, sock it to me,
sock it to me, sock it to me)
Whoa, babe (just a little bit)
A little respect (just a little bit)
I get tired (just a little bit)
Keep on tryin' (just a little bit)
You're runnin' out of foolin' (just a little bit)
And I ain't lyin' (just a little bit)
(re, re, re, re) 'spect
But when he gets really angry and starts screaming out the "I Hate You's...."
that's when I know that it's time for me to reach for my microphone again... and start breaking out in song. Except this time, I know that "A Song for Mama" by Boys II Men... is the song of the hour.
Mama, mama you know I love you
(Oh you know I love you)
Mama, mama youre the queen of my heart
Your love is like
Tears from the stars
Mama, I just want you to know
Lovin you is like food to my soul
