Reality...
I believe that the mind and body always remember. That's why these kids are struggling as much as they do. I think they just haven't made the connection yet between the body stuff and the memories. The oils have helped both TLP and I with making those connections.
I know that some people might be skeptical about my talk about the oils. I want to assure you (and everyone) that I would not be spending the money to buy them if I did not see them working for us. They are a bit expensive... but when it comes to our mental health and sanity... I have decided that this is what we (my family) needs to stay well. I do not receive any financial kickback from talking about these oils... just in case anyone was wondering. I was introduced to them... have learned to play with them a bit more... and have seen what they can do for us.
Something happened over here tonight. TLP asked me if I would drive him to ______ St.... to find the BP gas station and THE BARN. I was worried about doing that tonight and told him NOT TONIGHT. He continued to beg... saying that he needed to go to _______ St. I caved. I thought maybe he needed to do this to heal... since he has been way off these last few days. We went. We found _______ St. Found the BP Station. Couldn't find THE BARN. But... we found a 'barn looking' empty building... and he made me stop... and he ran up to the porch... and looked in windows... and said,
"I think this is the place... but it looks different."
He talked about what happened in the barn with his birthmom and the men. He told me where he was. What he was doing. And..... he was almost 4 years old when he came to us.
Before we left, I saw him fill his pockets with oils. I asked him what oils he was bringing... just in case I needed to borrow them. He said... "I'm bringing INNER CHILD and IDAHO BALSAM FIR." He said he wanted the Idaho Balsam Fir just in case he got scared. Interesting. He also told me that he had been putting the INNER CHILD on himself this afternoon. Interesting!
It was too dark to see much out there tonight...... so we will take a drive back there sometime this weekend in the daylight. Maybe we will park and walk the neighborhood. Maybe not.
Something is definitely coming up from the past though.
He also asked me if we could drive down to ____________ St this weekend.
?????????
He said he thinks he used to live there.
?????????
I guess I better find a map and find out where ________ St. is... because I haven't a clue.
A Note from the TLP Message Board:
We're having Easter dinner at 5:00 PM today with just the five of us. Keeping it quiet and calm. We're grilling steaks this year, instead of the traditional Easter ham that we usually do. I think we all just need a change.
TLP is talking a lot about his birth family today. I think that we just have to come to expect that holidays are a family time... and that these kids will be thinking about their other family too. So far, it's just talking... wondering where they are... if they are having an Easter dinner with anyone... etc. No poor behaviors. KNOCK ON WOOD
I am trying hard to be very empathetic... and to listen to him. I know that this is soooooooooooooooooo hard for these kids... the NOT KNOWING part... the worrying... etc. Each year it appears to get easier though. I think it's because he feels free to speak of them openly to me, knowing that I am not threatened by the fact that a part of him still misses them and worries about them. He hasn't said it to me yet, but I think he wants to find them... and I think that he will be doing that very soon. I can't explain it... but it's just a feeling that I get when he speaks of them as of late. There's such a sadness in his eyes and voice.
Yes, I think that I will soon be helping my son find his birth-mother... and surprisingly, I'm quite okay with that. Yet I still don't think that he will be happy with the lifestyle that she is leading... as I'm pretty sure that it's going to be way different than the way he currently lives his life.
A Note from the TLP Message Board:
I made a HUGE decision today. I did this without contacting the AT... and without talking to my husband. I knew that it was risky... but I honestly FELT that the time was right... and I just did it. I told TLP that I was surfing online and I found his birthmom's Myspace.
There are no words to describe the look on his face. I held my breath thinking,
"Suz... I hope you didn't just make a huge mistake."
He followed me to the computer and I told him... "You may not like what you see when you get there. The photos that she has posted pretty much tell us that her life has not changed all that much."
He said that he still wanted to see them.
He was sitting beside me as I logged in to Myspace. "Are you sure," I asked.
"Yes," he said almost with a pale look on his face.
We sat there together and looked at all of her photos... some of them were nude or very slightly dressed photos. He said nothing. He just sifted through them one at a time with me. I could see him REALLY looking hard at her... and then he said that she shouldn't be putting photos like that on the Internet for all to see.
We talked about IMPRESSIONS that we give to others by the photos of ourselves that we present to the world.
He saw that she had a photo of him up on her Myspace. It was a photo of their goodbye visit... almost 14 years ago.
I said, "See... she has your photo up there... she hasn't forgotten you."
He cried.
Then he hugged me and cried some more.
And then he wanted to see the photos again.
And we sat and looked at them again.
I pointed out a photo of his Uncle and told him that he looked like him.
He said, "Yes... I do."
We talked about how we wished that someone would tell his birthmom that she wasn't going to attract quality people into her life with those kind of photos up there.
We talked about how sad it is that it looks as if her life hasn't changed all that much.
(Almost every photo included a bottle of beer)
And then he cried again.
I told him that if he decides to contact her, that he should let me know and I will help him.
He said he doesn't want to contact her.
I told him that if he changes his mind, I will help him.
He said, "I won't change my mind."
Then he walked over to a chair and sat down... looking as if he was in deep thought.
Then the tears started again. Except this time, they were different. They almost appeared to be happy tears. And he was smiling as he cried. And he said,
"She's okay!!!! She's alive!!!! That's all I needed to know!!!!"
I hugged him as he cried HAPPY tears... and as he told me that he has worried and worried and worried about her all these years. He said he didn't want to see her... didn't want to be a part of her life... but he just needed to know that she is alive and well... and see her face.
Then he told me that he felt sooooooooooooooooooooooooooo much lighter. He said that he felt soooooooooooooooooooooooo happy. He said that he felt so calm that he thought he was going to be able to sleep tonight without worrying about her. He told me that he thought about her every night when he was in bed, and he was worried that she was dead, and he couldn't get to sleep because he couldn't stop worrying.
Then he asked if he could send an email to his AT. I let him send one. His email was short... and simple... and to the point.
"Mr. Joe, I feel everywhere is good. My life is good and I know I'm cured. My body feels light and everything looks brighter. I feel more aware of myself. My body doesn't hurt anymore. So this is what it feels like to be healthy. -TLP"
Then he asked me if we could go shopping to buy some stain for the livingroom floor... and we went shopping.
Only time will tell... but I'm glad that I did this today. Only time will tell if he's going to contact her in the future. But for today... I feel more tightly bonded with him... and I'm glad that I followed my gut instincts that kept telling me that he was ready... and needed this... so that he could continue to move forward.
And on we go.........
A Note from the TLP Message Board:
I was 99.9% sure that he would NOT be okay with her lifestyle. Looks like I guessed right this time. I'm not always that lucky. Okay... wait... it's not about luck at all. It's about knowing my son very well.
We had a good day today. Calm and peaceful. TLP sold a picnic table. He was thrilled. The Bearded Dragon ate a pear. He was thrilled. I took him shopping for some new clothes and shoes. He was thrilled. All in all... a very good day. Bedtime was quiet and calm. I hope that he has a really good night's sleep tonight with peaceful dreams.
A Note from the TLP Message Board:
I told TLP that I saved his birthmom's Myspace account in Favorites... so that he could go there to check in on her whenever he was worried about her... or wondering if she was alive and well. Surprisingly, he said,
"No... I don't want to go look again. I want to give her privacy."
You know... I think that might have been about the most mature thing that TLP has EVER said in his entire life. After he said that, he said...
"I'll just keep checking the obituaries... so I will know if she ever dies."
For some reason, that comment made ME sad, but the more I think about it...
I do believe that that was also a very mature thing to say on his part.
We're having a good day today. I'm staying close... just in case though.
TLP got his first cell phone. He doesn't call anyone besides his family members YET...
but he has one, so he looks as cool as his friends do. He has to buy his own minutes for his phone. We did it this way so that he will understand the value of a dollar. So far, he is being very careful not to waste too many minutes.
When TLP first got his telephone... he was very proud of it. I waited until he was driving to the store with his dad and I called his cell # with some lame reason. I think it was to tell him to add something to the grocery list for me... but my husband said that he was sooooooooooooooooooo excited when his telephone rang. He said that TLP picked it up and said, "It's for ME.... it's Mom!" : )
Tonight... we have a child here for respite. She will be here all weekend. Anyway... TLP was in his bedroom with the door shut... and I was in the kitchen with our respite guest... and my cell phone went off. I had a text message from TLP. It said...
"Can you give me a mommy hug and pretend I didn't text you. lol"
SUCCESS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
And apparently it's not cool anymore for me to hug him in front of our house guests. lol
He IS growing up!!!!
This is just way awesome!!!!
A Note from the TLP Message Board:
Tonight TLP and I were out buying crickets for the Bearded Dragon, and running a few more errands and I was acting like a dork. lol I can't even remember now what we were laughing about (or maybe I just have a selective memory) ... but it was something really silly... and it escalated from there... and we were both acting like really goofy... and roaring. I'm so glad that we can laugh and be silly and have fun together now... but it's been a long road getting there.
A Note from the TLP Message Board:
TLP and his dad are taking off to Detroit tomorrow to go to a Red Wings game.
They are planning to spend the night in a motel.
I am going to be VERY VERY sad and lonely.
NOT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Oh quiet night... I can hardly wait!!!!!!!!!!!!
These are the tickets that TLP bought for his dad for Christmas...
with the money he earned selling picnic tables and benches.
So.... he is very excited about this trip. Maybe even more excited than I am.
I hope that they have a great father/son outing together.
This mom plans to be LAZY! ; )
