The Little Prince Index

REPARENTING

A Letter to THE KING (TLP's Attachment Therapist)

TLP made quite a scene when the caseworker was here this afternoon. For some reason, he really didn't want anything to do with her today. She had to let herself out of the house while I was struggling to keep him in a firm hold. It took a long time to get him settled down, but afterwards, he let me clean him up with wet wipes and hold him in my arms a little longer. While I was holding him, I remembered what you had said to me about trying to do the reparenting stuff with him. So after holding him for about five more minutes, and thinking a little more about it, I decided to give it a try.

I put TLP on the couch and instructed him to stay there until I got back. He didn't move. I came back with a baby bottle of juice hidden behind my back, and I pulled him back up into my arms. I explained to him that I wanted to hold him, and rock him, and feed him a bottle of juice.

His first reply was, "No way! I'm NOT a baby! I'm nine years old!"

I was really impressed by his good communication. YIKES!!

I told him that I've never had the chance to hold him close and feed him, and that it would really mean a lot to me if he would agree to let me do this.

He said, "The kids are going to pick on me and call me a baby."

I told him that this would be a "Special Time" for him and I, and that the other kids would never have to know.

Surprisingly, he agreed to try it.

I know that I am always supposed to be in control, but I felt that this was something that I really couldn't force on him. I needed him to be with me on this. After he agreed, I set some very firm rules. He had to have eye contact with me, and let ME hold the bottle.

It was only awkward for both of us for about 30 seconds, and then it seemed so completely natural. In fact, I honestly believe that this was one of the most beautiful things that TLP and I have ever done together. Even if I tried, I don't think that I could ever find the right words to explain the connection that I was feeling with him at that time.

He had awesome eye contact with me and only tried to take over the holding of the bottle a few times. I can't speak for TLP, but I truly loved doing this with him, and as silly as the idea of bottle feeding a nine-year old once seemed to me... it felt so perfectly natural while we were doing it. Afterwards, he said that he wouldn't mind doing it again!

It was a great experience for me. It really brought back some extremely intense feelings for me, that were similar to what I felt the first time that I held my other two children after their birth. I can't even begin to explain those feelings.

We agreed to put the bottle away in my bedroom so the other kids wouldn't find it. I'm not sure how he would feel about me telling you about it, so I just decided to write you for now. I'll let you communicate to me if this is something that the three of us should talk about, or if it's okay for him to feel that it's just a private thing between the two of us.

I'm glad that we found you. Thank you so much for trying to help us. It means more to me than I could ever tell you without crying buckets.

-Suz

TLP and I continued on with the bottle-feeding every night just before bed. Sometimes when he was really stressed out during the day, he would even come to me and ask me for a little "Special Time." Eventually I even started to take him with me to the store to let him pick out the kind of juice that he would like for our "Special Time" together. Surprisingly, one day he actually came to me and asked me if I would buy him a few jars of baby food. I was amazed, and gladly let HIM pick out a few jars of fruit that he might want to try. We even bought a baby spoon for me to feed him with. We kept all of our reparenting supplies in an old metal popcorn tin in my bedroom, so the older kids wouldn't mistakenly run across them.

As time went on, TLP and I often found ourselves browsing the baby aisles at the stores. We looked at the bibs and pacifiers, and all of the other items that a mom might need to take really good care of her baby; and we discussed what each item was for and how they were important in the care of a new baby. Sometimes, when the time seemed right... I talked to him about WHY he needed to be reparented,and how sad it was that he didn't get all of this from his birth-mother when he was a little baby. Over time, our Reparenting Tin continued to grow and grow... and eventually, TLP had tried every baby food ever invented by Gerber. Believe it or not, his absolute favorite baby food turned out to be GREEN BEANS.

As time moved on, I found myself purchasing nursery rhyme books, and reading them to him during our Special Time. I also purchased some lullaby CD's and played them for him as I rocked him. Some days we just sat on his bedroom floor and played This Little Piggy Went to Market on his toes, or sang The Eensy,Weensy Spider complete with all of the finger movements. There was no doubt in my mind that TLP loved his special time with his mommy, loved being taken care of... and I could feel that we were really beginning to connect. There were a few rough spots though, when TLP would TRY really hard to be in control by telling me what I could and couldn't feed him, or what he would or wouldn't play with me. Although it was a very nice try on his part, I just reminded him that he had a REALLY GOOD MOM... who knew exactly what he needed... WHEN he needed it. Then I quickly reminded him that babies couldn't talk, so they couldn't tell their mommies what they did or didn't want, or ask her for their favorite foods. I explained to him that a baby just had to sit back and TRUST that their mommy would know exactly what he needed, and that she would make always make good decisions for him. In fact, I spent a lot of time saying things like, "You have a really good mommy" and "You are soooooooo lucky that your mommy knows what you need." Sometimes those words would bring a little smile to his face, or a little sparkle to his eyes; but there were a few times when TLP would become FURIOUS with me for taking all of the control with this reparenting stuff. There were times when he actually tried to REFUSE the bottle-feeding altogether. On those particular days, I would just sit there quietly and wait for him to decide to release the nipple that his teeth were firmly clamped down on. If he tried to wiggle and get down, I refused to let him down... and I HELD him very tight. If he cried... I just sat and rocked him. Even on the days where he would try to bite me, or spit in my face, I just held on extra tight and reminded him that I was a GOOD MOMMY and that I knew exactly what he needed. Even if some days he was really afraid of that closeness, and feeling the need to fight me really hard, I would just hold my ground... and TLP soon found that his mom was much stronger than he was. He found that she would always wait him out, and that she would just keep on holding and holding him for a very long time (if needed)... until he chose to comply with her wishes.

In the end, I could see that TLP appreciated the fact that I always did have that control over him. I could tell that he was very happy that I didn't give in.... and that I always managed to keep us both safe throughout all of those power battles. Most of all, I could see that he really did enjoy our Special Time that I was forcing him to have with me every day. I could see that we were connecting, and bonding, and learning that it was okay to love each other. It was then that I could feel that he was really beginning to recognize things for what they really were. Like it or not, he was my baby and I was his mother... and there was nothing that he could ever do to change that.