Risking Judgment
I was recently directed to a Website for "RAD Survivors". I was shocked by some of it, but have to admit (although I know many will disapprove) I totally agree with some of the points made. I have felt this way for a very long time, but have been quiet since I didn't want to risk judgment.
Nancy Thomas is a wonderful woman, whom I believe has healed some very difficult children, and adopted one of the most damaged with success. I feel, however, that the component missing by many parents who follow Nancy's teachings is… LOVE. Love means (to me) being firm, not backing down, holding the non-dangerous way, strong sitting and many of her ideas. I do not, however, believe in ever, in any circumstances, humiliating a child. That is not done with love. Our children have been abused, humiliated, tossed aside, and already feel like Handi Wipes when they come to us. Further "therapy" when not accompanied with love, increases the child's feelings of worthlessness. I have heard horror stories, of children being shut in their underwear, in a room with no heat, when the outside temperature was below zero. This is abuse. Child Protective, if notified would find it to be abuse.
My child went (with my former spouse and me) for a three-week intensive RAD therapy out of state. Both of my children had to stay in a "therapeutic" foster home. There were two permanent foster children there. I was shocked by the foster parent's treatment of the foster son, especially. I later heard, directly from the foster parent that he had a "complete nervous breakdown" and was institutionalized. My own child was held by a two-hundred pound "therapeutic" foster parent; face down in the dirt because she cried over the size of the woodpile she was expected to move. She also had to sleep in a bedroom that was apart from the rest of the house where the others slept. She was terrified.
I wanted to leave the second day, however, my ex insisted upon staying as we had already paid a great deal of non-refundable money. I watched the holding therapy, saw two women who obviously had their own anger issues, venting them on my child. I often left my ex to watch while I walked in the woods, praying for God to show me what to do. It represented the three worst weeks of our lives as a family.
The therapist, after a particularly angry holding, told me it was difficult to "pretend" to be angry. I responded that it seemed real anger to me and she looked down. My ex and I also had couple’s therapy. I recently found my notebook from the couple’s therapy. In it I had written that I felt my husband had no moral fiber. That he didn't have the same values as I, and that I was most unhappy in the marriage. The therapist’s response was for us was to return to our hotel, get naked and have sex. This, to a couple who had not been intimate for over fifteen years.
The "therapeutic" foster parent's husband returned from a trip, took my older daughter outside to tell her the rules, and she somehow obtained his cell phone number. The foster mother reported to me the next day that my child had somehow obtained her husband's cell number. Although my child lies pathologically, I believe her that he gave her the number.
I believe having closed circuit TV in the RADishes room with the entire family watching it over dinner and laughing, is abusive and humiliating. This is true especially since the RADish had to toilet on camera. This is a story that has bothered me for several years.
Adoptions have been reversed. I believe this to be more kind than keeping a child one is unable to cope with, or love. Love is the major component here. We must love the unlovable or fail as parents to RADishes. Any behavior modification without LOVE will fail. And do not deceive yourselves into believing our children will not recognize lacking love. They know. I knew as a child that I was unloved and I wasn't even a RADish. Finally at age sixty-nine, I have been able to share with a therapist that my mother never loved me. After sharing my childhood, my therapist agrees. I know the pain of humiliation as a child, of being on the outside, of wanting to die. Perhaps this has made me more understanding of what our children experience.
Realizing that many may feel I am aiming this at them, I am not. I have seen such fine examples of discipline with love here on TLP that I have kept coming back, held on to the good, and let go of the negative. Suz's love for TLP defies anything I ever believed before coming here. She has followed RAD treatment, but done so with total forgiveness and love. Lori's love for the "little guy" is awesome. I feel I have failed with one child, but succeeded with the other. I've not done any of this alone, but with the support I've found here (at TLP) and through some excellent counselors. But the greatest help has been constantly asking my Higher Power for help, as I didn't have the foggiest idea what to do. I just knew that some of the RAD treatment I've watched has been done without love and with humiliation of the child.
So many of you are awesome parents, but I also know RAD parents who do not post here. Some did in the past but are gone today. I feel everyone here today does everything they do with love and concern for the child's self-image being damaged any further. I have received emails from the RAD survivors Website, probably because I went there, and have been asked to share horror stories. I will not do so, but wanted to express myself to you, my friends, and the village, which has been so very helpful and supportive of me even when my own bio family was not.
I hope I've not offended anyone, but if I have, perhaps you need to explore your own relationship with your child/ren more completely. I have said this with love and concern, not malice, and hope it will be accepted the same way.
Love, Jann
