STORY OF HOPE!
by Elaine
A little story of encouragement for all RAD parents!..
I have recently started working within a project which helps 16-25 year olds who have suffered homelessness and I prayed that I would be allocated a person who had been within the care system. I have found that you need to be careful what you pray for as I have got my prayer answered in the form of a 24 year old woman!!
She was in and out of foster care from age 4 upwards. Her dad died when she was 3 and her mother is an alcoholic to this day. She has a large birth family and she is the youngest. She is very small in size and has the classic signs of alcohol fetal syndrome. She is a recovering heroine addict and still self harms and has been in and out of mental hospitals, most recently at Christmas time. She is in contact with her brother (heroine addict) and sister (alcoholic). She is not in contact with any others but wishes she could be with her mother – but the mother is not interested.
I asked Mary how she felt when she was in foster care. She told me that she hated it. She especially hated Christmas time because the families would invite all their family and be so happy and would try to force her to join in. She just yelled a lot that all she wanted was her family – they were okay because they had theirs. She found it was especially hard on her birthdays also because she just wanted to be with her ‘real’ family. She never received cards from her birth family. She felt that there was something wrong with her and that she should never have been born.
Mary told me that she never felt as though she belonged to any of the families – she just felt so lonely and just wanted her ‘real’ family to love her and take her back. When she was angry the families would eventually get fed up with her and she says that in the beginning they would be so nice to her and ‘put on a show as though they cared’ and then they would get sick of her because she would often ‘trash her room’ or ‘be pretty mean’ and then they wanted rid of her. She knew they didn’t want her as soon as they got to know her and suffered her anger.
She went back to her birth family when she was old enough with no qualifications from school. The family she says now ‘are pretty bad for her – but she has no-one else who she can go to and call family’. They take food from her house and constantly fight with her. She knows her life is made more difficult with them in her life. In Mary’s words ‘I JUST WISH I HAD A FAMILY WHO LOVED ME – AND A JOB LIKE EVERYONE ELSE’.
Mary, at 24 years old now wants a family – she has realised that hers are not what she wished. Mary has been to hell and back through her own choices. Mary now becomes very attached to the workers within our project but when they leave she breaks down. In Mary’s house she has two pictures of all the project staff – none of any of her birth family. She spends Christmas with the project staff. My heart is breaking for Mary because she now wants someone to attach to but has no-one except for people who are paid to work with her, she bought Christmas presents for herself this year and wrapped them up and opened them on Christmas day so she had gifts to open. No-one celebrates the day she was born with her and tells her how special she is except for the staff in our project.
For all you parents who are tired and feel that your love is not enough and feel like giving up – please remember Mary and show your child how much you do love them. They need good memories in their future of being loved by a family – no matter what their choices are in their future – that they can return to when they have made such a mess of their life and feel that they are going to die in this gigantic world of being alone and scared with no-one to turn to – please leave a door open for them should they wish to walk through it again once more. Mary now wishes she just had a family. Even if your adoption had to be disrupted or your child is going off the rails – please, if you can – keep in contact with your child, even when you get no response. Let your child know they are still in your heart and family. These children as Mary proves can find a point in their lives where they may just need a forever family where they can be loved and attach to when they are ready.
Parents – when you feel that your love is not getting through – it is! No matter what these kids throw at you – they remember your family! They may, like Mary, look back and remember, your love, your care and understand why you had to consequence them – that was love. It may be then that they are so lonely and scared that they want to come back to their real family and make the life that they rejected when they were young. They need memories of where they can come to get that life!
