Negative Comments from TLP's Math Teacher: (not a good way to get started)
"If you can't do the work... you don't belong in high school."
"Oh... you were home-schooling... that explains it."
"I'm not your mother bird... I'm not going to chew up the answers and spit them into your mouth."
"You're not stupid... don't act like it" (to the entire class… but taken personally)
“Who says the work is too hard for you? Your Mom? Your Dad? Or YOU?
grrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Yes, I did email the school... and went there for a meeting too.
My son came home from school a few minutes ago and told me about the adopted girl at school that is worried about what is going to happen to her and her siblings if her parents were to die. Apparently her parents are older... and she said that her mother has been ill. TLP reassured her that she has nothing to fear... and that she and her siblings could all come here to live if her parents died. What a good kid!!!!! : 0
Notes from the TLP Message Board:
Yesterday, TLP told me about a movie that he watched at school. Something about... "a gang... and a fight... and one boy holding someone's head down in the water trying to drown him... and some other boy took out a knife and stabbed him to make him stop drowning the boy... and the water turned all red with blood... and the other boys face was still down there in all of that bloody water."
I'm NOT calling the school to sound like the OVERPROTECTIVE MOM that they probably already think I already am... but this is just another part of putting him back in school that I don't like.
He still watches Feature Films for Families here at home. He said something about his teacher saying that it's a PG rating and all of the kids should be able to handle it. It's not always about handling it... sometimes it's just about raising a fragile child who used to be VERY OBSESSED WITH BLOOD AND VIOLENCE... so we choose not to have him view movies with blood and violence. sigh I'm sure that there was a good moral lesson to that movie somewhere... but TLP didn't know what it was. He just remembered the blood and violence part. YIKES!!!!!!!!! Kind of scary sometimes. PG means PARENTAL guidance... and sometimes I just think that the teachers shouldn't make those parental calls for our children. But... he's in the 10th grade now... right?????? So I guess that means that he's ready to watch the blood and violence without my permission. : (
Notes from the TLP Message Board:
I kindly spoke to TLP's Study Skills teacher about the movie that they are watching in class. You know, "the one boy was holding the other boys face in the water trying to kill him... and the other boy ran over and stabbed him with a knife... and he was bleeding... and the water was all red with blood... and the boys head was still under the water in all that blood"
I was nice and kind when I spoke to the teacher. She covered her face... apologized... and said that the movie was recommended by the other Study Skills teacher and that she had not previewed it herself... because it was a regular part of the other teachers curriculum. She said that she KNEW IT WAS A WRONG MOVIE for TLP... but not until it was too late and the scene was playing.
I was lucky... this teacher knew...
and she apologized and said that she will preview all other movies from now on.
It wasn't her fault... but I'm glad that she understood my concern for not having TLP view that movie.
She's a good teacher... good person.
Notes from the TLP Message Board:
I tell TLP things like this all the time. All of these things are REASONS why he struggles so much... but they are never EXCUSES... and if he keeps trying... he can have a good life even though some things are always going to be hard for him.
Last night he was talking to me about school being too hard. He said that he wants to be in school so that he can learn more, but WHAT'S THE POINT. I told him that if he sits through 6 classes every day and comes home learning just one more thing that he didn't know when he woke up that morning... that I will be proud of him just for being there and trying.
I think this is the way that it has to be for these kids. I think we have to empathize with them that YES... IT IS HARD... and it's going to be hard because of their circumstances... but they have to keep trying.
Notes from the TLP Message Board:
Last night he said, "If they tell me something and I hear what they say, that doesn't mean that I'm going to know it tomorrow."
I told him that was okay... as long as he is TRYING to remember it.
He said that some of the teacher's are putting too much pressure on him.
I told him that although some of the teacher's might be very smart... some of them still don't understand that he learns differently than others.
He told me that it's embarrassing to sit there in class every day and not know what to do.
I told him to raise his hand... even if he has to keep his hand up the entire hour. (poor kid)
He said, "When I try to read the history book, it's like reading a dictionary. It's just like reading a bunch of words that I don't know and when I try to put them together... they don't make sense."
I empathized that I knew that he was struggling in that area.
He then looked very sad and said, "Even if they gave me a 6th grade history book, I still wouldn't remember it."
I told him to keep trying and just take what he learns and leave the rest.
He said, "I still have locker issues. (He came home without his coat again this weekend) I went my SLOWEST and still couldn't get it to open."
I told him to approach his Study Skills teacher during 5th hour and see if she can help him get his coat out of his locker.
He said, "I like Study Skills. I get a breather. I like it because we sometimes get to watch a movie. But then I have to go to Reading/Writing afterwards and I lose all of my relaxation and get more stress.
I told him that he should be glad that he gets that relaxation just before a really hard class.
He said, "I'm regretting that I went back to school because I'm not learning anything and it's like watching paint dry. But I know I need to be there because I need to live on my own someday and have a life, and a job, and hopefully a house.
I think he's GETTING IT... but this is just so hard for him... and as a mom... my heart breaks to see him struggle in all of his classes.
Notes from the TLP Message Board:
Even though they struggle, they still CAN learn that they can have a good life... even if they do need a lot of extra assistance.
They used to get that individualized help in the smaller Resource Classrooms here in Michigan schools... and they used to be able to work at a pace where they could understand and TRY to keep moving forward. Not any more though (since they've eliminated the really small resource classrooms)... and I feel for the teachers, as well as for the children. It can't be easy on any of them. sigh
But these kids CAN still have a good life... one way or another... even if we have to bring them back home again for their self-esteem and sanity.
My kid wants to be in school. He's being told that he has a right to be there too. But the reality is... if he melts down too badly again... he may need to come back home to school again at a level that he CAN understand.
And some days I just want to hunt down his birthparents and smack them for doing drugs... and drinking... and causing him to struggle as he does. Yet then I tell myself that I should feel sorry for them too... because they either didn't know... or they had so many issues that they couldn't stop drinking and couldn't stop doing drugs. Maybe if they would have had a good support system... or parents encouraging them to do well... maybe they would have been okay too.
So... we just keep trying over here... and keep encouraging... and keep telling him that although he struggles to learn from books... he has so much to offer the world.... as we hope to stop the cycle right here and now with one child.
Yet... some days... it feels as if he's just not hearing me, because he still lets the comments of teachers and students make him feel bad about who he is as a person.
Notes from the TLP Message Board:
It's been really quiet here for the last few days but I am trusting that many of you are reading... and I really need some help and advice tonight.
TLP had a PTSD thing going on over here tonight. It started when he was responding to my questions with slurred speech and baby talk. That was when I KNEW that something was wrong. His dad wasn't picking up on the problem... and when the toddler behavior continued and the negative behaviors began to escalate... his dad chose to argue with him and get after him... which made things worse. I don't know how he can be TLP's dad for all of these years and still not GET IT some days... but he doesn't... which makes my job harder and escalates behaviors.
Okay... I'm venting tonight.... but it's been a long time since this has happened over here... and TLP was screaming that his eyes were burning... and he couldn't see... and his throat was burning... and someone was hurting him. It was horrible... and I just wanted to cry for him as he was nearly vomiting and crying that his stomach hurt... because I didn't want him to be stuck back there somewhere in the past again. I got some oils on him right away (Valor and Peace and Calming)... and put a cold wash cloth on his eyes... and he was really out of it... and screaming... cowering... and saying that he was hurting really bad. I covered him with a blanket and cuddled up there with him... and held him... and rubbed his back (which made him jump in fear)... and then it hit me. As he cried... I began to ask him if school was too hard for him... if he needed to come back home with me again. It took a long time for him to respond... and I had to ask numerous times... but then he sobbed and said that he wanted to stay in school... wanted to graduate... so that he can get a job and a house and be somebody. I rocked my 16 year old baby tonight, with tears in my eyes and told him that he ALREADY IS SOMEBODY... even if school is too hard for him... and even if he thinks he needs to come back home again to be okay.
He sobbed... and said that it's just too hard... and the days are sooooooooo long.... and he doesn't understand the work... and he feels so stupid........
and I held him... and rocked him... and told him that the school has him in the wrong program... and it's not his fault... and I'm sorry... and he deserves to be able to work at a level that he can understand... without all of the stress.
He cried... and his eye seemed to stop hurting... and his throat seemed to stop hurting... and whoever was coming back to haunt him and hurt him (from his past)... was suddenly GONE.
He's sleeping... finally!!!!
And... I think I need to bring him back home for his mental health... because the work is way too hard... way above his level of comprehension... and it's stressing him out... and I fear that this is going to trigger more PTSD episodes as time moves on.
As he fell asleep... I was sensing that he felt some relief... and was glad to hear that he COULD come back home if he needed to come back. In fact, I think that he needed me to ask him that question... BUT... he really seems to think that he needs to be in school to BE SOMEBODY.
How can I best help my child????
I need you all tonight... more than ever.
I'm not going to sit here and lose my child again... and I need to make some of this stress go away... before he completely melts down.
I don't think that the school understands what they are doing to my kid....... and he just wants to be in school....... wants to learn....... so he can be SOMEBODY.
We've been here before... but I worry about his self-esteem... and his future.
HELP!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Please tell me what you would do.
Notes from the TLP Message Board:
In the middle of one of our casual conversations today... TLP mumbled, "She sold me for money."
I stopped what I was doing and said, "What?"
He said, "She sold herself to people for money... and she sold me too."
Obviously, we talked.
Don't let anyone kid you about these children not being able to remember anything that happened in their lives before the age of five. It is just NOT true at all.
TLP was removed from his birthhome for the last time when he was 3 1/2 years old... and he remembers that his birthmom SOLD HIM to some creepy guys... for money.
I wanted to vomit.
He's getting healthier every day. Every time he breaks open a past memory... and he lives through it... he is getting stronger and stronger.
I remember rolling on the floor with this child not all that long ago... and all of that is now just a nightmarish part of our past. Sometimes it seems like it was just yesterday, and then some days... it seems like it was a million years ago.
We pulled back the Neurofeedback again this week... and we've got oils blowing through the house in the diffuser... and the memories are coming back. Is it the oils... the neurofeedback... the school stress... or EVERYTHING????? I guess it doesn't really matter... so long as this horrible stuff is coming out.
Yesterday at breakfast, he was randomly talking about his stay in that bad respite home and about some of the unfortunate things that happened to him over there. As much as it hurts to rehash all of this... he needs to be able to make some sort of sense out of it all... before he can continue to move forward.
So today, we've both been inhaling PEACE... and exhaling all of the garbage.
And life goes on...
it always does.
Notes from the TLP Message Board:
We've come too far to let the school situation take us down again... but all of this could have been prevented if they had just planned better for these special education kids. Algebra... what were they thinking????? And... he just wants to be in school... so that he can BE SOMEBODY. So sad. Doesn't the school realize how the anxiety, stress, fear and helplessness of being in the wrong school program is causing him to meltdown? Don't they realize that this kind of extreme pressure sends him into panic mode... and brings up some of the OLD feelings of
anxiety, stress, fear and helplessness? Why can't they get that part??????
Notes from the TLP Message Board:
I think that it would be hard to video tape what is going on over here... as it is much different than in past years. He doesn't fall onto the ground and tantrum and then curl up into a ball like he used to. He's much older and healthier now... and he just starts to pace back and forth... and sounds terrified and overwhelmed... and then I notice that he starts to respond to me with slurred words... and babyish babble type of talk. It would be hard to video tape someone pacing back and forth from the kitchen... to the bathroom... to his bedroom.... etc. When he was younger, YES... that would have worked though.
He's still not totally back to normal yet. Still temporarily out of school.That's the part that they could never understand. It's not like I just bring him home and all of the stress is gone... and he's back to his usual self. Now he is beating himself up (not literally)... and feeling stupid... and like a failure... and I am having to constantly reassure him that he's okay... and that this is NOT his fault. Like last night for instance, he was struggling a bit... and obsessing about not being able to be in school... and his tone of voice turned somewhat angry... and he was venting at me... and I could hear his frustration building... and I RAN for the Idaho Balsam Fir and swiped him across his temples. Then I waited... and after a few minutes I added some Grounding Oil to the lower back of his neck. Then I waited... and saw him relaxing... and then I put a few drops of Peace and Calming on his wrists... and continued to wait. About 10 minutes later... he was SOBBING. It was showing itself as anger... and I recognized the anger as being sadness and frustration... and I did what I knew would help bring him out of this... and it worked... and he apologized. All of this would be very hard to capture on a video tape... unless I wired the entire house.
Today... he is calm and relaxed... for now. But it takes a lot of hard work to repair the self-esteem damage caused by people who didn't mean to hurt him... but did. Sigh
Notes from the TLP Message Board:
I don't know if it's meeting anxiety for tomorrow's meeting at the High School... or maybe I'm just coming down with a bug or something... but I am finding it almost impossible to focus enough to get my thoughts in order for the meeting scheduled for 12:00 PM Tuesday. I had a meeting today with the AT... and I felt like I was lost somewhere in a fog... unable to think clearly. I was aware of it... and put some Valor oil on me (because that happened to be the only oil that I had in my purse) and I just felt TIRED... and STRESSED... and FOGGY BRAINED.
I sat there practicing my breathing.... and that combined with the oil helped a bit. But I am not feeling right tonight, and that worries me.
I feel good about the fact that I will have the Attachment Therapist and Behavioral Aide at my side tomorrow in this meeting... as well as my husband... but I still worry because I just feel like it's TLP and I against the world sometimes. I mean, I appreciate their help... and I know that they will be working to help us get TLP's needs met... but I still can't help but feel as if I should just collect my child and take him back home to school again. I say this because I am watching TLP stressing out every day... and not much has changed since the last meeting... and... Arrrghhhh!!!! I'm telling my child that he has a right to be in school... but my gut is telling me that we are soon headed for another meltdown over here unless we can get them to understand how the PTSD/attachment piece affects him differently from day to day. Meaning, one day he might be able to do something better than another... depending on how he is fairing emotionally from day to day. Okay... maybe I'm just tired. Maybe I'm getting sick. Maybe my anxiety level is just UP tonight for some reason.
Notes from the TLP Message Board:
This might sound weird... but I am just too emotionally tired today to try to put this meeting into to many words. lol Might be because I somewhat sleep deprived myself the night before the meeting (to get all of the info typed out and ready to give them) and I haven't quite recovered from getting 3 hours of sleep... sigh... but it did go well. I felt confident that 5 out of the 6 teachers GET IT... and are going to try to help TLP survive the school year with some self-confidence. Two of the teachers were just plain awesome. The AT did an awesome job explaining that some days he (TLP) CAN do some of the work... and other days he just CAN'T. And I think that most of them really got that part after the AT explained the Emotional/PTSD/Attachment/Trust piece.
I shared A LOT of his background with them (in writing).... and told them all to read it... and shred it. I used to not like to do that but sometimes it helps bring about a little empathy and understanding. So I took the AT aside and said... "in this particular meeting... the confidentiality rule does not apply." I told him that I needed him to help them get it... regardless of what he had to say to make them get it... and that there was NOTHING that he could say to them that would upset me more than one of the teachers already had. sigh
Anyway... he spoke freely... as did Mr. S and I... and I think they got it.
I'm still concerned a bit about the one teacher that actually made me feel as if this meeting was needed. I think it's just her personality, but she speaks with a hint of sarcasm... and even though Joe told her that he doesn't understand sarcasm... and would think he was being picked on... I don't see her changing much of how she runs her classroom. Her words were asking HOW CAN I HELP... but I wasn't really getting the impression that much will change... if that makes sense.
Some people are just very BLACK and WHITE in their thinking.... and not very open to seeing all of the beautiful colors in between. I think that she might just be one of those people that's going to have to push my child over the edge... and then live through the fallout of what happens next. For TLP's sake, I hope that doesn't happen... but if it does... he has some good people to help him through it... and this teacher will get a true education.
Otherwise, GOOD meeting... and I trust most everyone there wants to help TLP succeed.
Notes from the TLP Message Board:
I forgot to mention something....
before the planning meeting, I was sleep deprived... nervous... and anxious...
I got there a little early and talked to the AT for a few minutes... and something he said MADE MY DAY... and helped give me the courage I needed to get through this meeting.
He said that he recently ran into someone (school staff) who knew me from the past... someone who he had met at a conference and directed to the TLP website. He said that the man was speaking about me... and had told him, "I misjudged that woman many years ago."
I immediately guessed who the man was.
I told the AT that I had hated that man for MANY years because I knew that he had judged me harshly.
Anyway... it was really good to have the AT tell me that prior to the meeting. I think it somehow empowered me... and in just that brief few minutes... it made me realize that these people (school staff) can't always just GET IT unless they've lived it themselves.
I know that I have been wrongly misjudged by many over the years of raising my children... and I can't help what other people choose to believe about me. What's important is that I KNOW that I'm a good mom... and a good person.
But it did help my self-esteem that day... just knowing that this one person finally got it.
And life moves on.... ; )
Notes from the TLP Message Board:
Thankfully, there was no school Monday and Today for a mid-winter break. He had a few hours today where he seemed to be pulling himself together, and then as soon as it began to get dark... he started to resort back to the childish behavior. I put oils on him and gave him a sleep med (which we only use in emergencies now)... and he is sleeping soundly.
Tomorrow... is his actual IEP meeting. My husband took off the day to come with me... but I think that he is going to be at home with TLP tomorrow while I attend the meeting. I ALMOST called and canceled it today... but decided that if I did... the meeting last week with the AT and Behavioral Aide would have just been a waste of their time. Plus... we could use the updated IEP.
I still believe that he belongs in the smaller Cognitive Class... but the school isn't budging because he apparently tested a few points too high for that class. That is where he has been for most of his school career.
We don't have an emotionally impaired program here... but they do ship the kids out to an EI program in _____________. It might be a good program for some kids... but we tried TLP in that program in 7th grade and he only lasted about two days. Those kids are more STREET SMART... and TOUGH... and the teachers and counselors told me that TLP didn't belong there.
He needs a SMALL (maybe 12 kids) resource room with special ed teachers that meet him where he is academically and emotionally and help him move forward one day at a time. We USED TO have such a program here... but we don't have one anymore. So... he's a tiny bit too high functioning for the Cognitive Program... and not street wise and tough enough to make it in ______________'s version of an EI program... and we pretty much are limited as to what we can do with him.
There is a private school in ___________... which works with challenged kids (Mikesmom was looking into that one a while back) but it costs $7000 per year for just a HALF DAY of Math, Science, English, and History. I think it was something like 12,000 a year for the full day. Realistically, on ONE INCOME... we're not going to be able to afford it. They have scholarships available... but we make too much to qualify for a scholarship of any kind. Yet... they don't take into account that we are paying for psychiatrists... Behavioral Aides... therapists... essential oils (Kathy... I hope my husband doesn't see what I ordered today... lol... yikes)... and we have a child in college... and another that is going to need some help paying for an EMT program very soon.... and on and on and on. We just can't find enough money to afford such an expensive school... and there are still no guarantees... because PTSD can be just a bit tricky at times and tends to scare the hell out of school staff. Or... they don't recognize it as being PTSD and try to discipline for it... which sends him spiraling even further. And... I COULD maybe get a job while he's in school all day (if he could make it there)... but what do I do when he is sick... and when he has a PTSD moment and they call me... and during the summer vacation... etc. No... I don't think that TLP is ready for his mommy to be employed outside of the home yet.
I listened closely at last weeks meeting. It was hard to hear the AT tell the staff that out of all of the children that he has worked with over the years... TLP has been the most challenging. He told them that it was predicted by other professionals that TLP wouldn't even be living in a family right now ... that he would have more than likely been growing up in a residential facility. It was hard to hear... but then... it was also so good to be reminded of how far he has come over the years. We're survivors. Some days I don't know HOW we've survived... but we have... somehow.
So.... I know that we can't just let a wrong school placement take him down. That would just be WAY CRAZY on our part. Especially when he doesn't have to be there.
We were in this EXACT place last year... and we walked. We can walk again if need be.
I think I need to keep him home tomorrow... go to the IEP alone... get it updated and written... let them know that he isn't okay... and when that is over, I will be searching for a good place to take him for private testing. If he scores a few points lower than he did at the school testing... I will bring him back (maybe in 11th grade)... and tell them to put him back in the Cognitive Classroom where he belongs... with his friends... where he can have some kind of successes.
If he tests a little too high again...
then I just don't know.
I do know that I have a headache though... and I am headed to bed.
Thank you everyone... for listening... and for being here for me.
HUG
Notes from the TLP Message Board:
I went to that IEP meeting alone today. My husband stayed home with TLP who did not attend school. The meeting was postponed shortly after I arrived... and the papers were signed giving the school 30 school days to have him retested. I felt heard again today... which is awesome because this was the third school meeting this year where I felt that people were listening. Although today... I wasn't able to contain my emotions and I cried through this entire short meeting. They still listened. Maybe even more than at the other two meetings. TLP will be home again tomorrow. We are awaiting a letter that needs to be written by his AT... stating that TLP may need to miss some school until a new plan is put into place for emotional reasons. In the meantime, a staff member suggested changing his schedule from a full day to a half day... until the testing is completed. I was told that they will TRY to get his half day scheduled to where he can be with three teachers who are understanding of his special needs... meaning that he shouldn't be in that math class. Anyway... he is home (for now) and I cried a bucket of tears in a room of strangers and feel stupid... but this is MY KID... and he wants to learn... and I want him to learn at his level... so that he can find some success somewhere.
Oh... they said that I can ask to have him retested again (by another staff member) if after this testing... I don't agree with the results.
I told them that I would be seeking out independent testing for him too... just to make sure that we were all on the same page.
So....... we wait.....
and... our new oils arrived today... along with our new diffuser (which I absolutely LOVE). We currently have FORGIVENESS blowing through the livingroom for all to breathe in.
And I do forgive them (the school)... for they know not what they are doing to my child's emotional health.
But... some of them are listening.... and hearing us........ and trying to figure out a new plan.
For that, I am extremely grateful.
Notes from the TLP Message Board:
He had a good day today. A really awesome day, in fact. Now tonight... he appears to be struggling a bit and we just put him to bed early to attempt to prevent a problem. sigh
He's currently laying in his bed saying, "My birthmom is here"... "My birthdad is here"... "My bio-brother is here." Of course, he is using their names as he says this. Prior to bed, his behavior was somewhat regressed. I need him to fall asleep. He needs to fall asleep.
Maybe he just had too much GOOD today. sigh Sometimes I think it's still those guilt feelings coming back... you know... "If I truly allow myself to love these people... I'm somehow going against my birth-family." He doesn't actually come out and say this... but it definitely comes out in his behavior/actions from time to time.
I hope we got him to bed quick enough... so that we can prevent any problems tonight.
I still see him emotionally struggling since going back to school... and having to come back home again. I think he honestly feels like a failure.
If he only knew how proud I am of him for going back to try again. I tell him... but I don't think he really believes it. I think he thinks that I'm just doing the mom thing by saying that. sigh
Notes from the TLP Message Board:
I was dealing with a 3 year old child named ______ over here tonight. He was speaking as if he was 3... in a scary place...constantly talking about "the black men"... "the black men doing it"... and sounding paranoid and frightened. His eyes were darting off back and forth... and everywhere. I used GROUNDING... PEACE AND CALMING... IDAHO BALSAM FIR... and FORGIVENESS. His mood suddenly changed... to a happier two or three year old... rambling on about COOL (school)... and the sucker that his teacher gave him. He thought the FORGIVENESS smelled like "the tall sucker with all the pretty colors." He then started asking me, "Why did she call me _____?" ... "Is _____ my real name?" I told him that when I first met him that people called him ______. He started chanting, "_____..._____... _____..." and became very young again in his speech... as he almost coo'd and giggled and started calling out for "Pappy." I grabbed the "PRESENT TIME" and put that on him. Then I played a GUESS WHAT KIND OF OIL I JUST PUT ON YOU GAME... not that I'm all that creative but he was starting to scare me. : ( Not so much that he was acting so young... but because of what can happen when he goes back there in his mind. So... I started the guessing game myself. "Is it............ PEACE AND CALMING????....... or is it GROUNDING????????.... or is it......... etc etc. I was relieved when he started guessing some of the names of the oils... although he was still giggling... and acting very young. I eventually told him that he was wearing PRESENT TIME... so now he could be 16 again... so that he could know that he was with me... and living in _________... and SAFE. He giggled... acted way young... and talked about "the tall building... and looking down... and about how small the people were." Then he was rambling... and started calling out the name Pappy over and over again. I clapped my hands in front of his face... and he jumped. I asked him where he lived.. what his address was... but he didn't know. I told him our address... he looked confused. He again asked for Pappy.... and was slurring his words. I asked him if Pappy was a good person. He said "Pappy hits me sometimes." As he talked about Pappy, he started sounding a little more alert... with a little less giggling... but then he was rambling on a little about basements... and pool tables. I started some of the tapping. Then I started doing the counting with him... "5 things that you see... 5 things that you hear... etc." I got some more Idaho Balsam Fir and put that on him... then I talked to him about being 16... and being safe... and told him that it was okay to remember things... but as he remembered... he needed to be able to stay in the here and now... so that he would know that he was 16 years old... and safe. A short time later, he told me that he was 12... and then he said he was 16... and then he told me his address... and telephone number... and he was back... and very TIRED. I laid there talking to him for a little while about this... that... and everything... and then I kissed him goodnight and left the room. He's quiet now. Sleeping.
I hate PTSD!!!!!!!!!!
I am NOT Sending TLP Back to that school!
Thursday, February 26, 2009
Dear Governor_________________,
In your plan to develop the best educated, most highly trained workforce on the planet… you neglected to put a plan into place to strengthen and expand the educational opportunities for special education students like my son. In fact, your plan is not working to keep MY CHILD on the path to a high school diploma at all, which is going to make it nearly impossible for him to be successful in this new world of work you speak of. Your rigorous graduation standards are killing my 10th grade child’s self-esteem, because his school doesn’t have a program that meets his special needs anymore.
My son was in a Cognitive Classroom for most of his school career, and he tested a few points too high for that program at the end of his 8th grade year. Normally, children like my son (with a very low IQ) would be moved into a small resource classroom where special education teachers would work with him at a level that he is able to comprehend. In my sons case, even though he is 16 years old and in the 10th grade… he would have been working to master multiplication and division. Instead, he was dying in an algebra class that he has no chance of comprehending due to his low IQ. I’ve pleaded with the school, and they continued to apologize and say that he had to be in that class. My son also reads and writes at a 3rd/4th grade level, and he should be allowed the opportunity to attend a small resource type classroom where they can meet him where he’s currently functioning… and attempt to help him move forward one day at a time. Needless to say, this isn’t happening.
My son began 9th grade at ____________ High School last school year and melted down emotionally before the first marking period was completed. We had no other choice but to take him home and home-school him. He was crying every day that the work was too hard, and he seriously had no clue what he was supposed to be doing in most of his classes. Most of the teacher’s TRIED to help him, but no matter how much they tried to help… the material was still way above my son’s ability to comprehend. The other children laughed and called him a retard, asked him if he even knew how to read, and taunted him until he couldn’t take it anymore. We brought him home because the school didn’t have the proper program to teach him without killing his self-esteem and making him feel stupid.
This year (10th grade)… he asked if he could go back to school to try again. My son came to me and told me that he NEEDED to go back to school because he wanted to get smarter. He said that he wanted to get a high school diploma like his brother and sister, so that he could be somebody… and get a good job… and get married… and buy a house. I re-enrolled him at the beginning of second semester and he was thrilled. He woke up every morning and we could hear him singing in the shower, and talking about his dream of attending KCTC in 11th and 12th grade, so that he could learn how to fix cars and BE SOMEBODY.
Last, week… he melted down again and he had to come back home. Again, the school tried to make the work easier and simplify it to the point that he might have some chance of comprehending… yet he still couldn’t survive in those classes. At home, he cried and said that the history book looked like a big dictionary of words that were too hard for him to understand. He cried and said that he didn’t understand the Math. He said that his math teacher told him that he didn’t belong in high school if he couldn’t do the work. He cried and said that he had no clue what he was supposed to do in his Technology class. He cried and said that the kids were smirking at him when he was trying to read out loud in his English class. He cried and he cried and he cried… and then he told me that he couldn’t do the work and needed to come back home.
My son was adopted many years ago. He had a rough start in life because he was born addicted to Crack Cocaine. He was then physically abused and neglected for the first 3 ½ years of his life… as well as sexually abused by numerous people. He had a drug addicted birth-mother, and an alcoholic birth-father. His birth-mother prostituted herself in front of him, overdosed him with drugs to keep him quiet, left him home alone all night… and then she passed out for most of the day. When she was having an extremely off day… she would cut herself and smear her blood all over his body.
I have spent the last 13 years attempting to save this kid and keep him moving forward, when the experts predicted that he was a lost cause and would someday be living in a state run residential treatment facility. My child is a fighter, and he has managed to survive situations that you couldn’t even begin to understand… and now SCHOOL is taking him down. We tried putting him in the emotionally impaired program, and we were told by staff that he didn’t belong there because he was a GOOD KID. All of his friends are in the Cognitive Classroom, which is all he has ever known… and he misses them so badly and wants to be with them again. Yet, he is being punished because he tested a few points too high for that Particular program. We should be celebrating his success, and instead we are grieving it… because he is stuck in these classes that are too far above his ability to comprehend. He should be working on multiplication…. not crying over algebra. He should be reading 4th grade level books… not trying to sift his way through 10th grade English, History and Science Books that may as well be written in Japanese.
Although I understand and appreciate the fact that you want to embrace a culture of life-long learning, and prepare our children for this new economy… I beg you to please do something to help the children like mine who want to be in school so badly. My child deserves to be in school, and school has now changed to the point where my child can’t make it in school due to his low IQ… comprehension difficulties… and language deficits. There is something very wrong with this!
I beg you to go back and take a second look at these special children like mine. The children who really want to be in school… and want to learn… and want to have friends… and who really just want someone to give them the opportunity to grow up to BE SOMEBODY. Please consider bringing back the smaller resource classrooms, where these children with the really low IQ’s can go to have some type of success in school… even if they are only working for a Certificate of Completion and not a regular high school diploma. My son deserves to walk across that stage on graduation day, and if something doesn’t change… he will never have the opportunity to do this. My child’s future and self-esteem is depending on you to make some changes.
-Suzanne
Notes from the TLP Message Board:
He's perfectly fine today. Happy... pleasant... helpful... etc. He did mention, "I was really thinking about my past a lot last night." I told him that I knew that he was... and reminded him that when he is thinking about them... that he has to TRY to stay in the present. Try to stay age 16. I decided to chance it... and I asked him who "PAPPY" was. He said, "I don't know. I think he was my grandpa or my uncle or something." I told him that he was talking about Pappy a lot last night. I asked him if he could remember if Pappy was a good person in his life when he was young. He said, "Sometimes he was nice to me." Then I changed the subject. I don't want to push him. I just want him to know that he CAN talk to me about people from the past, if he ever wants to.
The PTSD episode didn't last as long as it has in past years. Maybe only about a half hour or so. I didn't have to call for outside help. I never felt threatened in any way. So that is great progress. The thing is... I think I have developed my own PTSD from dealing with some of his past episodes of PTSD. In past years, he would fall into a very dark, scary, angry place and it scared the hell out of all of us. There were times... many years ago... where this would end up with an ambulance here... and a trip to the emergency room... and sometimes to a psych hospital. It's hard to forget those times... and I think that I struggle not to panic sometimes when I hear the age regression/PTSD stuff beginning to happen. Although now I know enough to get those oils on him, and I think that is actually helping to pull him back to the hear and now. Today, I still find it interesting how the one oil... FORGIVENESS... smelled like that sucker that some preschool teacher gave him. I don't really care why or how these oils work, it was just really good to see an almost immediate change from a dark place... to a safe, sweet, candy memory. Even though he was obviously quite young... he was still brought back to a safe place... safe memory. And he was able to stay here with his family... where he belongs.
Notes from the TLP Message Board:
TLP is a good person... and I am also guessing that the company that he is volunteering for on occasional weekends (painting and repairing rental houses) will also write him an awesome letter of recommendation. The owner of the company bought him a really cool tool box complete with tools for Christmas. TLP was soooooooooooooo excited.
TLP is enjoying the seed work over here and it has been keeping him busy. We are also doing some good talking as we are constantly together. Today we made a bunch more newspaper pots... and planted 60 more plants over here. We also went to a thrift store yesterday and bought a bunch of larger pots to replant some of the plants that we are going to keep over here for food. I will send you a picture soon... of all of our plants. It's fun to watch them growing. TLP was watering them again today with the rainwater that he caught in buckets outside. lol He's really liking this little hobby.
Just a side note... that whole "needing to be in school for the socialization" is highly over rated. Kids can be soooooooooooo mean sometimes... and most of the adults that TLP encounters DO make him feel special. Of course, we pick and choose where he goes... and who he's with... but the woman from Dollar General just beams when he walks into the store. The woman who TLP bought that hanging strawberry basket for her little girl. She is also the lady who TLP brought seeds for... so her daughter could plant. And when he is there... he is often straightening their shelves... lol... so they love that. Then when we went into the thrift store... they asked him when he was going to come back and help stock their shelves. So... he gets some really good feedback from the adults in his life. I would like to get him back volunteering at the thrift store... but he gets a little scared in that particular store. It's in a good area... and it's perfectly safe.. but it has a high percentage of Hispanic customers and he is AFRAID of Hispanic people. Kind of sad... since TLP happens to be Hispanic too. I believe that this is just another one of those things that he has to work through... and I probably should keep him going back... so that he can see that he will still be safe there. But I see the fear in his eyes... and I watch his eyes scanning the crowded room... and some days it is far too overwhelming for him. It's hard to explain this stuff to people... but it happens to be our life.
Notes from the TLP Message Board:
TLP deserves to be in school. He wants to be in school. I received this letter yesterday from the school which said that they don't understand WHY I brought him home again. They talked about all of our meetings... and said that they were attempting to help him... and I pulled him out. As if... "I" was not giving them the chance to help make this work. They don't get what happens when they stress a PTSD/RAD child to the max and he melts down. They could never get what it's like to see a very large 16 year old go back to speaking in baby babble... and regressing. They haven't a clue how stressing a child out day after day turns the stress to fear... and how eventually, the fear brings up all of the OLD STUFF and triggers the PTSD all over again. And... how could they get it????? If they don't live it... they could never get it.
Notes from the TLP Message Board:
TLP is usually pretty truthful most of the time. In fact, now he even apologizes for past lies and behaviors. A little over a week ago... we were at a pet store and he stopped and texted his brother. He told him that he was sorry that he killed his basilisk many many many years ago and offered to buy him another one. So.... please don't get frustrated and lose hope. Sometimes these kids do get it in time. With TLP, I actually said to him many times, "You know that you can tell me the truth, and I'm not going to beat you... right?" He would smile a nervous smile and say, "Yes... I know." But truth be told... I'm not totally convinced that he was always all that sure that he wasn't going to get beat for telling the truth. I think that we just need to keep the lines of communication open... and keep telling them that no harm will come to them for being honest... even if they did kill the basilisk. sigh Even if they did break the window. sigh Even if they were outside climbing on the roof. Yikes!
Notes from the TLP Message Board:
TLP built me a table yesterday. Then he stained it for me. It's very cool!!!! A few days before... he made me a outdoor planting box with a picket fence back... to grow our peas. He also fixed a broken drawer in my kitchen yesterday too.
Last night, we were cleaning and sorting through old vases and such... and he found 2 small flower pots that he had hand painted for me many many years ago. On one of them... it said, "I love you... TLP." I sat them aside, and he said, "You can just throw those away." I shrieked and said that I was keeping them. He then said, "No... just throw them away... because I didn't really mean it when I wrote I LOVE YOU on it. I just wrote it cuz the teacher made me do it."
Oh my!!!!!!!!!!!
Last night, he asked me to buy oven cleaner so that he could clean our oven. I did... and he did.
Today.... he went outside and put a new coat of stain on my garden bench without being asked. He also stained the wooden handle on the barbecue grill. He spray painted our bon fire pit... and also spray painted the pole to our basketball hoop. Now he is outside in the garage taking off the door. I saw him removing it... and RAN to see what he was doing. He said, "The door doesn't shut right. I'm going to shave a little off the bottom."
In past years, I would wonder what he did wrong.
Today... I'm just glad that he's MY son
March 17, 2009
Dear Representative _____________,
I am writing on behalf of a young man in your voting district named TLP. TLP is the most active volunteer in my non-profit organization, The Dinner Garden. He spends the majority of his free time packing seeds, growing seedlings, and growing vegetables to donate to people in need. He frequently taps into his own funds to provide for those less fortunate.
TLP has a long resume of community service, but I think the thing that makes him so extraordinary is that TLP was born a crack addicted baby and into an abusive family. After several long and traumatic years, TLP was adopted into a loving family who has worked tirelessly to turn TLP from a rage-filled, hurt child into a compassionate young man.
TLP’s dream is to graduate from the same high school as his siblings. Unfortunately, the special needs class where TLP was previously enrolled is no longer available to students. Due to the abuse TLP suffered at the hands of his birth family, TLP has lost the ability to function at the same level as other students his age. TLP’s brain compromise is severe, caused by his biological mother’s drug use while she was pregnant.
He will never catch up to his non-traumatized peers academically or emotionally, and without special education resource rooms, TLP’s family feels forced to home school him to preserve his self esteem. TLP feels stupid when placed in classes where he doesn’t understand the material. He feels isolated and humiliated when he can’t answer questions in class and can’t keep up with assignments.
While he may not graduate with the skills of a student who is college bound, TLP still deserves to graduate because of the progress he has made. He longs for the opportunity to achieve in a public school academic setting that is set up to meet him at his level. He deserves to walk across a graduation stage with his class because by the time he is ready to graduate, TLP will have contributed more to a peaceful, prosperous America than most of the kids in the United States.
I am sure you agree that all students are entitled to a fair and appropriate public education. It would be a shame to see such an inspiring student lose his sense of self worth because there were no appropriate academic programs available to him. I would appreciate it if you would please look into reinstating the special needs classrooms and resource rooms. TLP and the other special needs kids deserve the opportunity to explore their academic potential.
Sincerely,
Mom2Radishes (A TLP Mom)
Notes from the TLP Message Board:
TLP got this great idea to refinish the hardwood floors in our livingroom and hallway. I thought... cool... why not?????????? He's been sanding for two days now... and the house is a dusty mess. Please don't ANYONE stop over unannounced over the next few days. AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!! Guess we'll be getting to that Spring cleaning really soon.
He's also making an outdoor playground/cage for his bearded dragon for this summer. It's looking awesome. I think it's so cool that I can trust him with power tools now... and that he has such a neat hobby.
Between those two projects... he's keeping himself really BUSY over here.
Of course, mom is running behind him with a broom and dust pan. lol
ACHHHHHHOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!
I don't like all of this dust in my house.
Notes from the TLP Message Board:
I woke up this morning to a clean house. TLP let me sleep as he cleaned and cleaned and cleaned. He even had THEIVES oil blowing in the diffuser. lol
I'm soooooooooooooooooooo glad that we are not dealing with the school craziness anymore. Right now, we are just relaxing and working on projects around the house. When I can see that he is okay again... we will get back to the homework again. Until then... we're just going to concentrate really hard on keeping him emotionally healthy.
And life goes on...
