THE BLEACHERS
by CAT
Why does a person choose to exist rather than live? This is a question I ask myself frequently about my almost teenage son. A troubled child since the age of 4, he has been in therapy for the last nine years. Diagnosed with RAD twenty months ago, he began attachment therapy. We noticed wonderful improvements in his behavior. The lying and stealing have become almost non-existent and there was a dramatic decrease in his violent rages, but aggression towards others remained.
Due to aggression, he was moved into a treatment center. After four months in treatment, I had to ask myself if I noticed any improvement in his behavior. The honest answer is no.
During his weekend home visits, I have noticed how "therapized" he has become. When he ignores and is talked to about it he says, "I'm disassociating." Hurting the dogs is explained off as, "I have RAD and we are not good with animals." Pure and deliberate meanness to others is replied to with, "I lack cause and effect thinking," and my personal favorite... his explanation of doing nothing, "I have one foot in the past, one foot in the future, and I am pissing on the present." I wonder sometimes how long he will "piss" on his present before his future rots and stinks.
This past weekend I had a heart to heart talk with my son. I told him that I realized he has spent many years in therapy, that he had been told time and time again how he was a victim, many excuses were offered up for his behavior, and somehow rather than using these sessions as tools to grow he found reasons for not accepting the responsibility for his own life. "I'm telling you Ricky, the buck stops here." I said. "We do not believe any of your psychiatric jargon. They're merely an excuse for you to not do any work on your own heart. I am sorry and very angry that ten years ago you were hurt, and had I been there, I would have protected you. But you need to realize that the last nine years, you have been the abuser and the perpetrator in this house. Does your past allow you to continue to hurt both yourself and others?"
He had no answer for me.
Up until now my husband and I, with the help of our attachment therapist, have done all the work in moving him forward. Intensive attachment therapy gave us the opportunity to re-bond with a child who made our lives a daily hell. We became better parents. Our gung-ho effort in helping our child was exhausting. No stone was left unturned in our attempt to help our child.
Today I realize that he has a part in his healing. We have given him every tool to move himself forward, and now he must start using what he has learned; rather than spewing out sayings to divert the attention away from him. If I allow him to continue on this path then I feel I would only be turning the key on the cell in his future. He is worth so much more than that. God has given him a wonderful mind; he must learn to use this gift as it was intended.
I will always continue to give my child the tools he needs to grow. But as a friend once told me, it is now time for me to sit in the bleachers and cheer him on. He must complete this part of the journey himself. My expectations are not going to change, nor is the love I have for my son, but his heart needs to change and only he can do that. Until then I will be in the bleachers, waiting.
