The Negative Belief System
by Brenda Hoffman
A major key in helping your child is in beginning to understand his/her behaviors and finding out how he/she looks at themselves and the world around them. By understanding his/her belief system you can learn why your child feels it's necessary to do the things he/she does.
Children with reactive attachment disorder see the world differently than we do. In their first few months/years of life they learned that they couldn't rely upon adults to keep them safe. They actually learned that the adults around them were uncaring, mean, rejecting, violent, unreliable, unresponsive, and/or absent. Regardless of how wonderful their new home is or how wonderful you are, they'll still perceive you in the way that they have learned to perceive all adults.
These things will cause your child to learn that they must take care of themselves and that they cannot depend upon adults for their safety, hence their need for control to make sure that they stay safe. Safety nets that these children use include: pushing adults away by making them angry, grossing them out, etc. - basically anything that they can to distance themselves from you both emotionally and physically. These children truly believe that if they were to do things your way they will die because they don't believe that you can keep them safe, they believe that they MUST depend upon themselves at all times.
Just because you change their environment, bringing them into a healthy environment, does not mean that the beliefs that your child has about adults will just go away. It really is up to you to understand why your child doesn't want to do things your way (lack of trust that you're safe due to past experience), why your child tries to make you angry by pushing your buttons (because your child doesn't want you to love them - these children want to keep you emotionally distanced to ensure their safety), why your child sabotages special moments and events (because he/she feels unworthy), why your child is so negative (because they feel bad about themselves, to the point of self-hatred) you are put in a better position to help your child. You are better equipped to maintain the correct therapeutic parenting attitude needed to help facilitate your child's healing. This means that you MUST stop taking your child's behavior so personally and realize that your child would behave this way regardless of their present circumstances because of his/her illness. By taking on these positions you enable yourself to see your child as the deeply wounded being that he/she really is. You can switch your focus from your own hurt feelings and dashed dreams to focusing upon helping your child find their way back to the beginning and start the attachment cycles, regardless of their age, which will in time help your child heal their broken heart.
I encourage you to come to terms with your own personal disappointments and get down to the business of helping your child heal. You should know that with the right tools, healing is possible!
Brenda Hoffman has been delivering holistic health and wellness advice for over 7 years since receiving a BA in psychology. As a home-based professional and mother of 1, she operates a holistic wellness network. She invites you over to http://www.yourhealthyfamilyhome.com to learn how to improve you and your family's health.
Thank you!
