In the past several months I have met many parents of children with Reactive Attachment Disorder. It's amazing how difficult the care of a child with this disorder is on a family. Unlike any physical or mental illness, there is no clear path for a family to follow. Traditional talk therapy does not effectively treat this disorder; families spend years listening to the "experts" advice and actually seeing their child's behavior become worse.
In my own case, I faithfully took my son to talk therapy for years. He would go into the counselor's office and shut the door. Behind this door he would be a charming, well-mannered young man. Bright and articulate, with a smile that lit the room, he could manipulate his many counselors into believing he was the person he presented himself to be. Having a captive, ignorant audience, he would begin to spew his twisted crazy stories. Creating a scenario of him being a victim of unfair treatment, his counselors, experts as they had spent forty hours in a classroom and had a certificate to show for it, could not help but agree that this was not a case of behavior disorder, but definitely a case of poor parenting. I remember my son coming out of the office with that smirk on his face, almost laughing as I listened to yet another ignoramus tell me that I should be more tolerant of his "issues".
After years of such nonsense my son became an expert of manipulating most adults he came into contact with. Effectively isolating us, my son became very powerful. Taking control of our household he began to destroy things in the house, getting up every night and stealing whatever he felt like taking and yet his behavior did not stop there. He started to threaten my husband by making abuse charges to put him in jail, screaming at us that he hated us and wanted a different set of parents, and started hitting me on a regular basis. I can remember meeting the protective service worker after the first of many abuse charges. She suggested that we go to court and charge him as incorrigible to get him out of the house. I do not know why I did not follow her advice. I now think that I was so busy reacting to every situation that he created, that I could not think. I did not share any of the events that happened with anyone in my family. Guarding his feces spreading incidents as if they were a dirty secret, I felt as if I were at fault. After seven years of the expert's opinions I felt like I was indeed a bad parent, and moving my son out of our home would just cement that as fact. We lived, my family of five, being victimized by this child daily. My son was indeed very strong and in control. I do not know how much longer this would have went on if it were not for my sister-in-law. We had yet another crazy day that ended in him running screaming across the field, only this time Lisa, who had witnessed some of our hell, walked him back home, looked me in the face and said "you have got to do something!" Going to bed that night I knew that we could not live this way any longer. I had to make a change and gain control of our lives.
Placing my son in a residential facility was the best decision I made in his healing process. Not only did we gain the diagnosis of reactive attachment disorder, we were able to rest and become educated, heal ourselves from the war and develop a plan to heal him. Residential placement was also very positive for my son as he realized that both his mother and father were no longer allowing him to control our household.
We are now on our way to recovery, my family strong and happy. The work involved in healing is very difficult for my son, but we are strong and determined that he will heal.
Listening to other parents with children who have RAD, I sometimes worry. Every one of the parents I have met, have been wonderful loving people. Without support or any treatment plan, some parents fall into a deep pit of despair. Depression and isolation prohibit them from finding any joy. Anger and resentment build until thoughts of getting even fill their every waking moment. Unfortunately a RAD child cannot heal with anger. Both the parent and child become locked in this battle for control. It is in this battle that a RAD child is most powerful, and a moment of anger can forever change your life.
Residential placement is not failure! It takes so much strength to say, "You are out of control and can not live here until things change." Even if the placement does not treat RAD, a break to regain your footing and develop a plan for healing is a blessing. A RAD child must heal with love as a guide, their parents strong, committed and in control of their treatment plan. Forgiving them is essential, but difficult when you are in the midst's of a war. You are not a bad parent! Please, do not worry about what anyone else says. I know that you have convinced yourself that the next situation will be fine, that you will gain control and everything will be normal again. That this state of continuous chaos is how you must live. Somehow the pain you feel is normal and deserved. Your life becomes something you must endure rather than your gift to enjoy. Don't let this disorder consume all of your energy, or jeopardize your safety and sanity. If you need a break, be it short or long, take it. It is better to regain your strength than to surrender to this disorder. You need to be strong and find some joy every day.
Jesus tells us "this I say to you do not be anxious" hope is the fuel for our future. I pray for all of my friends, that they find hope in their journey of healing, and joy in their RAD children.
