Well... I think it's fairly safe to say that this third year of Attachment Therapy has definitely been the most challenging of all. Okay... I'll just cut through all of the crap and be really honest with all of you. This year was a LIVING HELL for all of us, and I really didn't think we were going to make it this time. For those of you who have been around for a while, and were unlucky enough to have to read through all of my frantic posts, I sincerely apologize for doing that to you. Yet, looking back... I honestly can't thank you all enough for your patience and understanding as I vented and screamed all over the TLP Message Board. All I can say now is "Thank You!" Thank you for being there to help me wade my way through the mess. Thank you for all of your telephone calls... cards... wonderful advice... and for all of your words of wisdom. I honestly don't think that I would have survived this third year without having all of you there to encourage me... and to keep reminding me that I was a good mom. You are an amazing group of people... and I feel very honored to have each and every one of you as my friend. This is a tough job... and we are definitely going to need to lean on each other as we raise these kids... especially through the turbulent teen years that are bound to be ahead of us.
Now that life is fairly calm and relaxed again... I find myself sitting over here shaking my head. For the life of me, I just can't figure out what went so wrong. I sometimes sit here going over and over and over all of this in my head as I try to reassure myself that it wasn't my fault that TLP fell over the edge again. That it wasn't something that I did wrong... that caused him to meltdown again. I worried so much about all of the role-playing that I did with him and wondered if I had possibly said or did something wrong. I blamed myself for possibly making him worse. For taking him on that drive past his bio-family's home, and for building that stupid time machine when he appeared to be wanting to go back and revisit his past. I wanted to kick myself for ever agreeing to let him watch that "Antwone Fisher" movie, that definitely triggered some really bad memories of sexual abuse for him. Then there was that day that I kept running off copy after copy of his drawing of "G," the abuser, and encouraged TLP to tear him up, stomp on him, spit on him, and take away all of his power. Yet, I knew in my heart that we HAD to kill "G" that day... because "G" was killing TLP... killing our entire family. We had to do it. We had to kill him... and stuff every piece of him into a bag... and take him outside in the yard and burn him to nothing. We had to get "G" out of our lives once and for all... before he destroyed us all. But I still couldn't help but wonder if I had taken a very sick child and made him even more sick, by giving him permission to kill and burn his abuser. : ( But the painful truth was... TLP was reliving the past abuse... and he was getting sicker and sicker... and I needed to find a way to help him. I've said it once.... and I have to say it again. Desperate people sometimes do need to do some very desperate things... and we were only doing what we felt we had to do at the moment... to survive.
Yes, we were definitely at war again this past year. Definitely in BIG trouble! Yet this time, it was a more violent war. This time, TLP was three years older... three years larger... and three years smarter. Smart enough to throw himself down a flight of stairs and call 911 to accuse me of physical abuse when he didn't get his own way. Yes, things were definitely escalating out of control as he again challenged every rule and FOUGHT us every step of the way. Except this time, we weren't just fighting TLP. Our entire family had begun fighting each other. Everyone was soooooooooooo tired. Everyone was soooooooooo discouraged. Everyone was starting to wonder why things had been getting better for a couple of years... and why everything seemed to be going so wrong again. It honestly felt as if life was playing a very cruel trick on all of us... and none of us wanted to go back to the very begining again.
As TLP's behavior's escalated out of control again, we were once again forced to physically restrain him... for his protection and for ours. As we fought to keep him safe, he did everything in his power to push us all away. The really sad part is that even though he was fighting us... I knew that in his mind... he was really fighting his past abusers. When TLP discovered that we were not going to let go... not going to stop loving him... he often resorted to urinating or soiling himself in an effort to push us all away. When that didn't work... he would sometimes even vomit on us. Yet, sometimes... I knew that the vomit wasn't about us at all. The vomit was TLP's way of purging all of that sexual abuse out of his body. But no matter how hard he fought... no matter what he did... we still managed to find a way to be there for him. We still managed to keep him safe... even when he was raging to the point that the entire family had to take him down and sit on him. We were family... and we loved him... and families who loved each other... needed to be there to do whatever had to be done to keep everyone safe.
As time moved on, I started to panic and worry that I was no longer qualified to be TLPs mother. I started to worry that we weren't really going to make it... or that I was just kidding myself by thinking that he was ever going to get better. I started second guessing myself... and everything that I was doing and saying to him. There were days when I was so afraid of what I was seeing... of what was happening to him... that I just wanted to run for cover. Yet, in between these days... there were some good days. Some very good days. Days that we were really connecting... days that I knew that I was still reaching him. Those were the days and weeks when my heart melted... and I knew that we had to find a way to help keep him moving forward. I thanked God for those days... and I knew that if we could just find a way to hang on really tight... that we could help him work through all of those flashbacks... and bad memories that had resurfaced for some reason. I knew that the day would eventually come that he would release all of that anger and sadness and come back to us again.
So we continued to fight the great fight... and when everyone finally collapsed from exhaustion and scattered away to various rooms in the house... I always put on that special CD that I made just for TLP and I... and I pulled him up into my arms and held him tight. As I held him... I slowly rocked him back and forth to the music as I fought back the tears. Tears for BABY TLP, the Little One who never deserved to be hurt by anyone... but also a few tears for myself... and for my entire family. As I held my twelve year old baby in my arms and rocked him, I always kissed him on his forehead and tried to reassure him that LOVE was a good thing... that love didn't have to hurt. I assured him that he was very safe here with all of us... that we all loved him very much... and that nobody would ever hurt him like that again.
Yet, as time moved on... TLP's behavior seemed to deteriorate more and more. The flashbacks became more and more frequent and TLP just couldn't seem to get himself back together again. Out of desperation, we began trying anything and everything that might improve his disposition and help him relax. THE KING started doing more and more Neurofeedback and EMDR, and he even met us at his office one Sunday afternoon for a six hour intensive session. At the advice of THE KING, I began taking TLP to an aroma-therapist, and began using some essential oils here in our home. Anything to try and give TLP and ourselves a little release from this emotional turmoil. We added and increased medications and when that didn't work... we even did a complete med wash to see if that might help. I started taking TLP back to the chiropractor three days a week, and the chiropractor suggested that we get him to a nutritionist. We totally changed TLP's diet... put him on tons of new vitamins... and fed him health shakes and protein bars every day. Every- thing new that we tried... appeared to work for a short time... but things would always start to fall apart a short time later.
We started to think very seriously about the possibility of putting TLP in a temporary residential placement. We didn't want to send him away, but we knew that we needed to quickly send TLP a message that this type of behavior would no longer be tolerated in our home. The problem was.... there were many days that we could see that something was really wrong... that this wasn't just a naughty child playing power games with us. This was a child who was definitely having some major flashbacks. He was clearly reliving some past abuse... and vomiting... and fighting off his attackers. On those days, we knew that he wasn't just trying to hurt us... and he wasn't just being manipulative and controlling. On those days... he was definitely fighting someone for his life.
Yes, this was definitely the most challenging year of all. I don't think that any book... or video... or any amount of training could have ever prepared us for what we were going to be dealing with over here this year. I don't know if this was all triggered by puberty or what... but somehow, we all managed to survive. We never did get TLP into a residential treatment facility, as it takes months and months to get state approval, but we did end up sending TLP away to a Therapeutic Respite Home for a month... just to give us all a little time to breathe. That month of respite appeared to be a really good move for all of us, and it gave my family a little time to relax and breathe.
I am hoping that the worst is over now... and I am so thankful for all of the support that we received from everyone. I honestly don't know how we ever would have survived this past year alone. TLP still might not be all that convinced that we love him... but there is absolutely no doubt in my mind that I really do love him. I have no intentions of giving up on this child... EVER... because I know in my heart that he's a true survivor. I know that he's going to make it. I know that we're all going to be okay in the end. We've come too far to turn back now... and we've just been through way too much to give up on him. We're going to make it. Right now... I'm not quite sure HOW we're going to make it.... but I know we will. I can feel it in my heart... and my heart has never lied to me before. ; )
