Interesting Conversation
This is just a little conversation that I had today with TLP. I was writing as I was talking to him and I DID ask for his permission to share his thoughts with all of you parents at TLP.
I started out by asking him a few questions. They were just general questions… asking his advice about how all of you could help your children. I was amazed at his willingness to help… and share… and particularly amazed at the responses and conversation that followed each question.
Maybe it will help someone out there who is reading this, but maybe it will frustrate those of you who have tried and tried without success. : ( But… I’m going to share this with you anyway.
SUZ: What should a parent do when their child is being really naughty and stubborn and refusing to do what their parents tell them to do?
TLP: Make them do Strong Sitting so they can think about listening better.
SUZ: What if they refuse to do the strong sitting and start running around, getting out of line, and being inappropriate?
TLP: Hold them until they stop… or make them go to their room?
SUZ: What if the child refuses to go to his room?
TLP: Make him move the woodpile.
SUZ: Well… what if the child just stands there and refuses to move the woodpile or do anything that the parent asks him to do?
TLP: Send him to respite, like to Eagle Village; so they can learn to do what they’re told to do.
SUZ: What if the child comes home from Eagle Village and treats their family members really bad again and refuses to do what his parents tell him to do? (This answer took A LOT of extra thought)
TLP: Well… make him do a lot of chores until he figures it out, and put oils (essential oils) on him, and make him strong sit or move the woodpile.
SUZ: How does that help a child to make him move a big pile of wood?
TLP: To learn to get strong, and treat his mom and dad with respect, doing what he’s told to do so he can trust them.
SUZ: What if it doesn’t work? What if they child still doesn’t think he can trust his parents. What could a parent do to help him learn that he can really trust them?
TLP: Oh…. oh….. I know … I know what they can do!!!! They can put him in the car and drive him past scary places and tell him that he’s safe.
SUZ: Scary Places?????????
TLP: Yeah, like their birth dad’s house, or a bad neighborhood.
SUZ: Whoa…. wait a minute!!! Do you remember when I drove you past your birth dad’s old house???????? You were TERRIFIED!!!!! I had to HOLD YOU ALL NIGHT LONG and you had nightmares and I think that was a really STUPID thing that I did. I don’t think I would ever want you to tell anyone else to scare a kid like that.
TLP: I was scared but I didn’t get hurt.
SUZ: But you started having flashbacks from your past… and you were afraid of me… and I had to hold you… and it was really really scary… for you and for our family.
TLP: You kept me safe. I wasn’t scared of you.
Suz: But… you got confused and thought that I was hurting you.
TLP: You didn’t hurt me. You kept me safe. I faced my fears.
SUZ: So… it was a good thing that I did that… not a bad thing?
TLP: Kids have to face their fears. Like that time that you drove me through that bad neighborhood and I was scared. You kept me safe and I trusted you.
SUZ: So I should tell people to scare the heck out of their kids?
TLP: NO!!!! You should tell kids to face their fears and not to be inappropriate.
SUZ: What do you mean by inappropriate?
TLP: Sexual gestures, sexual noises and no saying, “Do you want to suck my penis” to their moms.
SUZ: Ahhhhhhhhhhh….. you remember saying that to me at Supercuts? That was really embarrassing. I was so angry at you for saying something so horrible to me in front of all of those people.
TLP: I wanted to leave. I was scared.
SUZ: Why didn’t you just say, “Mommy… I’m scared, or cry or something?”
TLP: I just wanted to leave.
SUZ: We’ll that certainly worked for you, didn’t it. : ( I guess I should have stayed and made you face your fears. I really screwed up by getting embarrassed and taking you home.
TLP: I’m sorry.
SUZ: Apology accepted.
SUZ: Hey, can you tell me anything else that I’ve done that’s scared you, but maybe it helped you face a fear because I didn’t give in?
TLP: You left me with Mr. Joe (THE KING/ Attachment Therapist) in his office with Dad.
SUZ: I felt so bad when I left you in there and walked away. You were so scared. You were screaming for me and I felt mean for leaving you there when you were scared. I wanted to stay.
TLP: I faced my fears and then I wasn’t scared. I didn’t get hurt.
SUZ: But, sometimes you still tell me that you’re afraid of Mr. Joe. Sometimes you tell me that you’re still not quite sure that he won’t hurt you…
TLP: I just face my fears. He never hurts me.
SUZ: But you’re still afraid that he MIGHT try to hurt you, after four years?????
TLP: Sometimes, but I just face my fears.
SUZ: Do you trust me?
TLP: Yes.
SUZ: How do you know that I won’t ever hurt you?
TLP: Because you always stay by me a lot and keep me safe.
SUZ: Do you believe that I love you?
TLP: Yes.
SUZ: What makes you finally believe that I love you?
TLP: Because you talk to me all the time about my birth family.
SUZ: Anything else?
TLP: You keep me safe.
SUZ: Anything else?
TLP: Not really, you just keep me safe a lot.
This conversation tells me that TLP knows. He knows that I love him. He knows that I’ve spent a lot of time trying to help him and keep him safe. In my heart, I believe that he knows what he needs to know to make it here in our home. I believe he knows where he’s made mistakes, knows what is and isn’t appropriate, and why he sometimes acts out (because he’s scared.) I believe that in these last 10 years, we have given this child EVERYTHING that he needs to learn, and grow. Now… whether he chooses to use these skills in his life is all up to him.
I hope that some of this conversation will help SOMEBODY out there. ; )
We’re doing pretty well over here right now. Home is going well most days, with just an occasional bump in the road. The BUMP being poor dad… who still needs to find a way to earn TLP’s love and trust. It’s coming… but very slowly. A couple of days ago… mom and dad were following each other home in different cars and TLP chose to ride with his dad. : ) So…. even that part is improving over time too. This summer, I plan to take TLP away with me for occasional weekends and leave him with his daddy on occasional weekends (like I did all last summer.) Those two might butt heads a lot more than I’d like them too… but I think that there’s a bit of trust growing between them finally… and we all know that LOVE can very easily follow trust.
