TO MY FAMILY THAT DOESN’T UNDERSTAND
We have tried for almost 15 months to help you understand what we are going through with our daughter, but you continue to go against our protocol. You do not see what we see. You do not know our daughter at all. You have only been around her very little and you send me emails telling me that she is “So full of life.” Yes, she has come a long way, but you haven’t seen the bad times that we’ve been through. She is cute, and she can really put on a good act around everyone; even if she is 2 ½.years old.
We didn’t know about RAD when we adopted her at 16 months from an orphanage, and this year has been a trial for us. We asked everyone to stay away when we brought her home, to give us some time to bond. After one week, here comes the first visitor, and you wanted to hold our daughter the entire time you were here! Not good! Then you came over several times after that, not calling first. You were NOT welcome, and we really needed some time alone. HELLO! You got mad because I told you that you couldn’t take her to the park by yourself, stating that “she was old enough to go.” It didn’t matter! She had only been with us for 6 weeks and at that time, she wasn’t old enough to us!
A lot of time has passed since then, and a lot of rude comments have been made by people who wouldn’t even try to understand what we were going through. You tried to take her from me and I told you that she hadn’t been doing well for the past two weeks. You got mad and went and ran your mouth about it. Why couldn’t you just say, “I’m sorry that she’s not doing well… how can I help?” Yeah right! I would have passed out if you did that!
I went to Attachment Camp a month ago and you’ve yet to call to see how things went. We never hear from any of this side of the family now. Then you get mad when we visit the other side! They care what happens to our daughter and are trying to understand and support us in every way. They know that they can’t hold her, and they are just happy to see her. They don’t have to hold her to love her. As a matter of fact, to NOT hold her IS to love her. They understand, and they want her to bond with her mother! You said, “We want to bond with her, too!” You can’t bond with her until she learns to love and trust the people who love her the most.
I know that this is all new, but you don’t know what we’re going through. Until you’ve raised a RAD child yourself, you have no right to give any unasked for advice. You have no right to criticize, or cast your opinion on a situation you know nothing about! We love our daughter with all our heart! It took a little while for me to get there because it was a challenge to fall in love with a child who screamed in my face so much. Now, I can’t imagine life without her.
I’ve learned so much along the way. I’ve learned how to love a hurting child. I’ve learned to love the unlovable. I’ve learned to give more, without expecting anything in return. I’ve learned to hug a porcupine. I’ve learned to persevere when times get very tough. I’ve learned that God will never leave or forsake me, even when family and friends do. I have grown so much through this, and even as I write this letter I can see how very much I’ve grown.
I AM AN AWESOME MOM! God gave this child to us, so quit questioning everything that we do! HE doesn’t make mistakes! HE knew which parents to give to our daughter. Thank God it was us! I hate to think that she could have ended up with someone who wouldn’t have tried their hardest to help her.
You say that you don’t understand what we’re doing, and you think it’s crazy. How can it be crazy that I’m putting ALL of my energy into helping my hurting child? I want what is best for her, and I will do whatever I can to help her and to make a difference in her life. She means that much to me. She means so much to me that I am not afraid to say NO as many times as you ask to hold her. This is the way it is, and the way that it will be until further notice.
Please don’t ask to hold her! It just puts us both on the spot. She needs to be with her mom until she heals from the past trauma that caused her to be hurt. She is well on her way! It hasn’t come easily. It has been a fight, but that will make the victory even greater! If you can’t understand and support our choice of parenting for our daughter, then just pray for us. Pray for us, and we will contact you when we feel that she can start being introduced to her extended family.
I hope that this letter will open up your hearts and minds, and that you will decide to join the support team to help our daughter achieve success… and become all that she can be.
