I never knew the hand that pushed me away, was abusing my child. Didn't believe her at first. No, my husband of 22 years would never hurt our child. Then I asked him in front of her and he admitted it. My world came crashing down with hers.
She and I clung together for a bit after he left. Her sister blamed my RAD, as he had never hurt her. Then they both began to blame me. I blamed me, too, until deciding that blaming myself was a form of self-pity. I still do sometimes, but it's become easier to let go of it.
Now my child is falling apart. Drugs, sex, lies, manipulations, all the old behaviors have returned. I love her, but I cannot let her destroy what's left of our family.
No one who has not experienced this can understand the shame, fear and pain that are part of the lives a perputrator leaves behind. The hollow feeling of losing one we love, for such a heinous reason.
I'm left to deal with the children alone. I see their pain. Not every day anymore, but so much of the time. I cannot get inside the head of someone who could hurt a child, especially one who was so hurt before she came to us. This is the same man who was a caring foster parent for twelve years, who won awards for fostering. They didn't know either.
The County has circled their wagons, fearing a law suit. The school where we were both parent members of the CSE/IEP Committee has done the same. My friends, who work at the school have told me they love me but can no longer meet me for lunch as their jobs are at risk.
I understand all this and I know others must protect themselves. Friends, who somehow feel deceived too, draw away after a few weeks of support.
I could never have survived these terrible nine months without prayers of others. My own prayers have become imploring and desperate. They have been heard.
I will continue to do this alone. Anger doesn't have to be a negative thing, it can motivate us to do that which we thought impossible. Faith has become my best friend, and I cling to it daily.
This web site and the people here are my lifeline, not just for RAD, but for living. I'm so grateful that Suz started this site and that I have friends whose names I don't even know, who know more about me than friends of years.
I thank God for all of you, and for TLP.
Anonymous
