When I Knew I Was Home
by Reba (age 13)
1997- I cried because I wanted Madeleine, (my incubator) and she didn't
come. She didn't want me. I remember a skinny, pale, short haired women
with a short temper. She had no time for me. She only wanted her
cigarettes, movies , beer & drugs. Men came & went.
I was getting whipped by Mike on my back. He said he was my Dad. He was
scary. His voice was deep like the night. He was tall as an Oak tree.
His hands were huge like bear paws. I was thankful he wasn't home much.
He brought home the men.
1998- Another baby was born It was a boy. A brother! It was my job to
feed him, care for him, bathe him & love him, even though I didn't get
that whole "love" thing. And our birthdays were close! Soon after he was
born- I turned 3!! I was a proud big sister!
Madeleine would pick him up, but he would cry & cry. She would throw him
back in his crib & say "Stupid baby!" I wondered what his name was, but I
was too afraid to ask. So, I just called him "baby" . I really wanted to
call him Stupid baby, but I knew I'd get whipped.
1999 - One day, Madeleine & Mike just ran away. We were found by the
police after awhile, all hungry & scared. They brought us to our Aunt's
house. It was crowded. She already had 5 children of her own. Now she had
me & my baby. We lived there for 1 year. It was a happy time, with food,
movies, a jolly Aunt & friends to play with. But soon we had to leave. It
was too crowded with all of us there. It made me very sad.
Didn't she want us? I was finally happy.
2000 - In the basement, on the cold dark stairs, peeking out to see
light underneath the door. Seeing my brother being hugged & given candy
by our Nana & our Aunt who we lived with now.
Nana was a short, old, grouchy devil woman. (Cruella Deville comes to
mind) Actually, she looked a lot like Yoda. My Aunt had black teeth &
was very simple minded. Not even as smart as me.
Why don't they like me? Am I so different? Don't I deserve candy & hugs?
They must hate me. I'm not special enough. I am so confused. My teacher
says I'm special. That I'm one of a kind! I guess they don't see that.
I'm just so angry & confused!! White hot tears roll down my face.
2001~ I've had it! I'm done! Ouch! I couldn't do anything & if I did, I
would get spanked hard. I was sat in a yellow chair for hours. I would
sneak off to get any food. Lunch & dinner would go quickly by without any
food. If I snuck food, I was whipped. But it was worth it. My stomach hurt
so much!. Many times Nana would forget who we were, and throw us outside,
like strangers, yelling "Get out of my house or I'll call the police!!"
My brother , Michael, & I spent many cold nights sitting on the cold
steps, waiting for her to remember us, yelling "Nana! Nana!" and crying.
Then we'd fall asleep. After awhile she would come & say "Oh my, what are
you doing out here with the baby?". The dark scares me most of all.
2002 - Wait! Your'e giving us away too? Fine!! Be that way! No one loves
me anyway! You throw me in the dark basement, you treat me like an enemy &
my brother like an angel. I get ice bathes when I sneak food, And left at
the daycare Center. Half the time you don't even remember who we are! Fine
give us away!! Wait?! Who are those people?! And why is she smiling at me?
Wait- do you like me? " No, I don't like you " said the tall blonde woman.
.oh.Figures!!!.."I love you" WHAT?! You've got to be joking?! I've never
heard that in my life!! Michael! Look! "Hey! What's you'se guy's names?"
"Mommy & Daddy". I said those words out loud. They were new to me. I liked
the sound of them! "Am I allowed to have a hug?" "Of course you may" She
gave me he biggest , hugest, hug I've ever had ever in my whole life!!
THAT'S when I knew I was home.
2003 - 2009 I've turned & learned to be happy , but I'm not perfect., at
least not yet! I still go to therapy each week to help me with my fears,
but I see myself growing & healing & learning how to cope with them.
I still have my family who loves me & guides me & puts up with my
emotions, which sometimes stink! But, Hey! That's what are families for!
